Thursday, November 05, 2009
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
The begininng of the "Play Date" and other MAD news
Well, lets see.......
I got another babysitting gig and can thus add gas to my car and by some cat food. Yippeee! That was the extent of my excitement for yesterday.
No, not really. Madeleine had a play date at our house yesterday. This was her first real "playdate". The 2 girls have been talking about it since last Friday when her DFM (dear friend's mom) and I decided to do this. The school is doing a program called "character counts" and everyday one of the things I see on a chart is Madeleine's behavior. There are four colors for behavior: green, yellow, orange and red. Madeleine was a consistent "green girl" until about a month a go and SUDDENLY all those beautiful greens started turning YELLOW. I bumped into the teacher and said "Madeleine must be coming out of her shell, huh?" and she said "oh yeah"! and giggled.
I don't consider yellow bad so I'm not all that concerned BUT evidently she has turned into quite the chatter box. Madeleine's DF (dear friend) had never gotten a yellow in school until yesterday when Madeleine and she were talking incessantly about their play date and what they were going to do (mind you they had ideas that were not going to come to fruition). When DFM came to pick up DF she began telling me how Madeleine might be a good influence on her shy daughter. And then...I told her about the yellow and I said "maybe not". Her mom said she had told the teacher on more than one occasion that DF would eventually come out of her shell and no longer be a constant green queen so DFM was not too concerned.
The two had a really nice time and next week Madeleine gets to go to DF's house for another play date. They road the bus together here and were very excited about that independence. They will do the same next week.
On another MAD note, and maybe I've said this before, Madeleine is each day convincing me more and more that she is a future clothes designer that will be ready to design her own clothes line before she leaves high school. As of late she has been creating shirts out of paper (or patterns perhaps?) and most recently has begun cutting clothes..YES cutting CLOTHES. First it was a pair of pajamas and I was ok with that but now she has managed to cut up two shirts. The pajamas were turned into a matching top and skirt. The shirts are being cut up and rearranged. One shirt was turned into a pair of shorts - that need to be sewed up, of course. What's a mother to do? I am hopefully going to get her a sewing machine for kids at xMas with the new job Ihaven't found yet. :)
I better check up on her right now. She is in her room with the door shut and not answering my shouts. She is, I'm sure in the midst of another design. Time to put those scissors away.
I got another babysitting gig and can thus add gas to my car and by some cat food. Yippeee! That was the extent of my excitement for yesterday.
No, not really. Madeleine had a play date at our house yesterday. This was her first real "playdate". The 2 girls have been talking about it since last Friday when her DFM (dear friend's mom) and I decided to do this. The school is doing a program called "character counts" and everyday one of the things I see on a chart is Madeleine's behavior. There are four colors for behavior: green, yellow, orange and red. Madeleine was a consistent "green girl" until about a month a go and SUDDENLY all those beautiful greens started turning YELLOW. I bumped into the teacher and said "Madeleine must be coming out of her shell, huh?" and she said "oh yeah"! and giggled.
I don't consider yellow bad so I'm not all that concerned BUT evidently she has turned into quite the chatter box. Madeleine's DF (dear friend) had never gotten a yellow in school until yesterday when Madeleine and she were talking incessantly about their play date and what they were going to do (mind you they had ideas that were not going to come to fruition). When DFM came to pick up DF she began telling me how Madeleine might be a good influence on her shy daughter. And then...I told her about the yellow and I said "maybe not". Her mom said she had told the teacher on more than one occasion that DF would eventually come out of her shell and no longer be a constant green queen so DFM was not too concerned.
The two had a really nice time and next week Madeleine gets to go to DF's house for another play date. They road the bus together here and were very excited about that independence. They will do the same next week.
On another MAD note, and maybe I've said this before, Madeleine is each day convincing me more and more that she is a future clothes designer that will be ready to design her own clothes line before she leaves high school. As of late she has been creating shirts out of paper (or patterns perhaps?) and most recently has begun cutting clothes..YES cutting CLOTHES. First it was a pair of pajamas and I was ok with that but now she has managed to cut up two shirts. The pajamas were turned into a matching top and skirt. The shirts are being cut up and rearranged. One shirt was turned into a pair of shorts - that need to be sewed up, of course. What's a mother to do? I am hopefully going to get her a sewing machine for kids at xMas with the new job Ihaven't found yet. :)
I better check up on her right now. She is in her room with the door shut and not answering my shouts. She is, I'm sure in the midst of another design. Time to put those scissors away.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
The new do
For someone who is technically inclined, sometimes I just don't think!! I realized all I have to do is take the memory card out of the camera and put it in the computer and voilà I can load the pictures. Duh!
Anyway here is Madeleine's new do...which I love.
Anyway here is Madeleine's new do...which I love.
Transparency
I had a family member send me an e-mail yesterday with her concerns no only about what is going on in my life but also about the transparency of my posts on this site. I took my last post down overnight so that I could think about and perhaps regroup about what this site was originally about and decide whether or not I should make some changes not only to my most current post, but also to many of the posts on this website.
I decided to re-post my October 30th post and write a post about transparency and this site's goal. There is no doubt that I am going through a tough time right now and have gone through a lot of "trials and tribulations" since becoming a single mother in 2004. At the time of the birth of Madeleine, I had a very good job making a very good salary. I was able to support us in ways that I can only dream of now. Had I known about the coming trials over the next few years I think I would have shuddered in my boots.
I am not writing these posts so that my family and friends will worry and "feel sorry for me" and perhaps I have to look at the tone of them and/or carve out a new direction from her. I am writing these posts to tell the truth about what it is like being a single mom from my vantage point. My hope and belief is that I will rise like the Phoenix from the ashes and flourish as a single mom OR a married mom. Little did I know what the culmination of these past 5 years would look like in writing and it is not pretty.
My hope is that someone (another single mom) will see that despite how hard this journey can sometimes be, there is always joy, love, happiness to be had. As hard as this journey has been, I would not trade having Madeleine for the world. I love her, I love how she has changed me, I love how she teaches me, I love being her mom.
I also want people to see that GOD never gives us more than we can handle and will always make sure we are taken care of. We have always been taken care of. I have found that despite everything, Madeleine and I have always had food on the table. Madeleine has never gone without. She always has enough clothes, enough food and despite my circumstances she is always my number one priority in the day-to-day operations of my life.
I see from this experience however, that being a single mom is not a good idea unless you have the finances and support to prop you up because a lot of people cannot handle the trials and a lot of people cannot handle how different your life is and a lot of people will leave you.
I have focused my life more on being a Mom and less on being a provider. I know that as a single mom I've put myself in a position of having to deal with this dichotomy. Perhaps I could/should have made the decision to put Madeleine up for adoption so that she could be raised in a proper 2 parent home to grow up in. But I didn't. Perhaps if I really thought that her father wasn't going to be around and I had listened to the words he was saying and the clear actions he was taking I would have taken a different path. But, I convinced myself that he would come around. I trusted that my job would last. And, he did come around - or so I thought and I gave up everything in my world and went to Florida to believe in the crazy dream that her father and I would become a couple and Madeleine would have a mother and a father. Reality slapped me in the face and we had to move on.
So here I sit in the remnants of all that has happened trying to carve out a clear, right, consistent, happy, spiritual, loving home for my daughter and struggling to be both mother and father which I cannot do well. I could focus on the financial and career aspect and my mothering will suffer or/and I can focus on the mothering and the financial and the fathering will suffer. It is my conclusion that it is almost impossible to be a single mother alone. You must have a dedicated support system. You must have a spiritual basis for your life. I still do not have the total support system I need, but I am a survivor and I've created what I can given the circumstances I've lived in and am living in.
What is happening now will change. My hope is that eventually I will figure this all out and we will be thriving and all of the trials of Madeleine's early life will be but a distant memory and someone will look at this site and say ...wow ....things can get better!! Look at what this person has been through and look at where she is now. My hope. I've always been pretty transparent and I don't intend to change now.
I decided to re-post my October 30th post and write a post about transparency and this site's goal. There is no doubt that I am going through a tough time right now and have gone through a lot of "trials and tribulations" since becoming a single mother in 2004. At the time of the birth of Madeleine, I had a very good job making a very good salary. I was able to support us in ways that I can only dream of now. Had I known about the coming trials over the next few years I think I would have shuddered in my boots.
I am not writing these posts so that my family and friends will worry and "feel sorry for me" and perhaps I have to look at the tone of them and/or carve out a new direction from her. I am writing these posts to tell the truth about what it is like being a single mom from my vantage point. My hope and belief is that I will rise like the Phoenix from the ashes and flourish as a single mom OR a married mom. Little did I know what the culmination of these past 5 years would look like in writing and it is not pretty.
My hope is that someone (another single mom) will see that despite how hard this journey can sometimes be, there is always joy, love, happiness to be had. As hard as this journey has been, I would not trade having Madeleine for the world. I love her, I love how she has changed me, I love how she teaches me, I love being her mom.
I also want people to see that GOD never gives us more than we can handle and will always make sure we are taken care of. We have always been taken care of. I have found that despite everything, Madeleine and I have always had food on the table. Madeleine has never gone without. She always has enough clothes, enough food and despite my circumstances she is always my number one priority in the day-to-day operations of my life.
I see from this experience however, that being a single mom is not a good idea unless you have the finances and support to prop you up because a lot of people cannot handle the trials and a lot of people cannot handle how different your life is and a lot of people will leave you.
I have focused my life more on being a Mom and less on being a provider. I know that as a single mom I've put myself in a position of having to deal with this dichotomy. Perhaps I could/should have made the decision to put Madeleine up for adoption so that she could be raised in a proper 2 parent home to grow up in. But I didn't. Perhaps if I really thought that her father wasn't going to be around and I had listened to the words he was saying and the clear actions he was taking I would have taken a different path. But, I convinced myself that he would come around. I trusted that my job would last. And, he did come around - or so I thought and I gave up everything in my world and went to Florida to believe in the crazy dream that her father and I would become a couple and Madeleine would have a mother and a father. Reality slapped me in the face and we had to move on.
So here I sit in the remnants of all that has happened trying to carve out a clear, right, consistent, happy, spiritual, loving home for my daughter and struggling to be both mother and father which I cannot do well. I could focus on the financial and career aspect and my mothering will suffer or/and I can focus on the mothering and the financial and the fathering will suffer. It is my conclusion that it is almost impossible to be a single mother alone. You must have a dedicated support system. You must have a spiritual basis for your life. I still do not have the total support system I need, but I am a survivor and I've created what I can given the circumstances I've lived in and am living in.
What is happening now will change. My hope is that eventually I will figure this all out and we will be thriving and all of the trials of Madeleine's early life will be but a distant memory and someone will look at this site and say ...wow ....things can get better!! Look at what this person has been through and look at where she is now. My hope. I've always been pretty transparent and I don't intend to change now.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Waking Up
Sometimes getting to a place of health - body, mind and spirit requires one to go through and heal all of the feelings that have been bottled up inside once we wake up and SEE what has happened over a period of time. Then we can let go and move forward. I'm waking up and feeling.......and it ain't pretty at the moment.
Friday, October 30, 2009
October 2009
Another month, another post.
Well, this month has been eventful in perhaps a different way than September but still eventful. I don't have a lot of time to write either because I'm going to Madeleine's school for their Halloween party. I baked cookies - no candy to be had.
Anyway ... October. I did not find a job. I thought that I might be working for Madeleine's old pre-school teacher but as quickly as her assistant (her daughter) said she was leaving she was back. It did tide me through one week for gas. We've managed this month due to a gift from a friend - a gift that I was very grateful for because otherwise I'm not sure what we would have done. We're back to nothing, but we're ok. My medical and food assistance has kicked in and unemployment should kick in in about 2 weeks so we'll have something to keep us going. I'm kind of bound to the house at the moment with no gas - but hey we'll be ok. A friend is taking me grocery shopping this weekend and I'm sure I can get a ride to church on Sunday. Thank goodness Madeleine's school is just over a 1/2 mile away. 11/2/09 UPDATE: I babysat for a friend on Friday night which gave us some gas money. :) I was able to drive to church and get myself to the grocery store ****
With that though, I didn't even know it, but she is on the bus route so to make things easier I had her start taking the bus yesterday which she is thrilled about! A little more independence and there are two kids in her class that take the same bus. The best part about it is it picks her up at the end of the driveway...how lucky is she!! I will go by foot today to her party and a friend will drive us home. We'll make it through this part of our trial like we've made it through everything else.
Madeleine also finally got her cast off. At first she was afraid she would never be able to move her arm again having been stuck in one place for 6 weeks but after a day she forgot she ever had a cast on and she is on to bigger and better things.
We also got her class pictures back and you can just see a tinge of her cast in the picture. Note that her hair is up. Well, just a few a go we got her very long hair cut...short. She LOVES it and so do I. Unfortunately, I don't have pictures to share because Ellie (you know, the puppy) chew threw the wire I use(d) to upload pictures to the computer. I will be able to get this back in order shortly, but not today.
Speaking of Ellie, she has stopped growing so fast. She has also turned into the sweetest and softest dog I've ever known. I have let her out of the kennel at night and she has now decided the bed is HER bed. Now, with Cindy this was not an issue, but Ellie, well, she takes up the entire bottom half of the bed and Madeleine ends up with her feet sprawled over my body. I wake up in the middle of the night and have to rearrange everyone so that I can sleep! We were going to give her away, but I decided to keep her and we are glad I did. Here is Madeleine and Ellie having a moment:
I do need to find a way to bring an income in. Some new things have happened here. I have been going to the churches employment center and they have a weekly seminar on resume writing. I already knew I needed to updated my resume, but I clearly need to make some serious changes so that it will make it through all of these companies scanning systems. It turns out that one's resume might not ever make it to anyone's desk if the resume doesn't have the right wording in it. It will be spit out by a computer and never seen by anyone. I've had a lot of anxiety about changing it..but I must.
I truly loved working with the pre-schoolers at Madeleine's old school. I adore them actually. I also volunteered again at Madeleine's school this week and love being around the little ones there as well. My dilemma? I want to make good money - really good money so I never have to go through this SHIT again. I also do not want to be at anyone's beck and call again. Quite frankly - it sucks! I'm a hard worker and I know that but it also takes the right set of circumstances to really make me shine. My last job did NOT help me shine. The situation was not right for me.
As hard as it sometimes was to work at Wachtell - the one and only place I ever lasted as long as I did (and I didn't want to go there initially)...something about it helped me shine. While there was a high expectation of producing good work, there was also a subtle and underlying commeraderie and trust - I had proved myself early on to the attorneys and that never went away and they in turn let me experiment, grow, stumble, learn and prosper.......I know it was difficult there and perhaps I'm able to color it rosy now that so much time has gone by.....but something in the mix was right for me and I want to be able to shine again in whatever I do. I want what I do to matter to the people I'm doing it for.
One of my older sisters has consistently suggested the government. I think about it and then think a bureaucracy might not be good for me. BUT, there are other things I need consider in all of this: Madeleine. She will be 18 and going away to college when I'm 61. Not only does that totally make me want to puke, I want to buckle over because of the fear of that thought. I need to make sure we have some kind of safety net. Insurance, savings, a pension. I am thinking of these things and it is scaring the living crap out of me. Which leads to another on-going thought and issue:
My weight. If I don't get this weight off and do something about my knees and arthritis I may very well be in wheel chair at 61. Seriously. I'm absolutely serious about this. I must, must, must light a fire under my butt and get the show on the road in this area of my life!! I am in so much pain and I hate it. I took the dogs for a walk and my hips started hurting and I couldn't believe it. I love walking and that was hurting. I figure the weight is a big factor in all of my physical issues - carrying around 130 EXTRA pounds is a lot of extra weight. This I need God's help with because I'm obviously not able to do anything about it left to my own devices.
My last thought cause I've got to go to Madeleine's party is I've been given a "calling" at my church: Chorister in Relief Society. I did this for a few weeks while someone went away and enjoyed it. I'm nervous it but I'm happy to have a calling. It makes me feel better and it helps me to feel like I'm contributing something to someone...I just need to make sure I study before the big day every week. I need to study the song, the tempo, etc. Today would be a good day to start practicing. After the party.
Perhaps I will write more this month, perhaps not but these are my goals for November (note: I was only successful in one of my goals for October and I had nothing to do with it except get Madeleine to the doctor so they could get the cast off)
Goals for November:
Be one step closer to having a job- FINISH working on my resume
Write everyday - everyday, everyday, everyday
Pray 2x's per day - and one time with Madeleine
Read Scriptures everyday
BE aware of everything I'm grateful for
Consciously and unknowingly do 29 things for other people by the end of the month
Write a letter to my step-mother (I haven't spoken to her or written her since Mother's Day)
Keep the house clean
Love
Well, this month has been eventful in perhaps a different way than September but still eventful. I don't have a lot of time to write either because I'm going to Madeleine's school for their Halloween party. I baked cookies - no candy to be had.
Anyway ... October. I did not find a job. I thought that I might be working for Madeleine's old pre-school teacher but as quickly as her assistant (her daughter) said she was leaving she was back. It did tide me through one week for gas. We've managed this month due to a gift from a friend - a gift that I was very grateful for because otherwise I'm not sure what we would have done. We're back to nothing, but we're ok. My medical and food assistance has kicked in and unemployment should kick in in about 2 weeks so we'll have something to keep us going. I'm kind of bound to the house at the moment with no gas - but hey we'll be ok. A friend is taking me grocery shopping this weekend and I'm sure I can get a ride to church on Sunday. Thank goodness Madeleine's school is just over a 1/2 mile away. 11/2/09 UPDATE: I babysat for a friend on Friday night which gave us some gas money. :) I was able to drive to church and get myself to the grocery store ****
With that though, I didn't even know it, but she is on the bus route so to make things easier I had her start taking the bus yesterday which she is thrilled about! A little more independence and there are two kids in her class that take the same bus. The best part about it is it picks her up at the end of the driveway...how lucky is she!! I will go by foot today to her party and a friend will drive us home. We'll make it through this part of our trial like we've made it through everything else.
Madeleine also finally got her cast off. At first she was afraid she would never be able to move her arm again having been stuck in one place for 6 weeks but after a day she forgot she ever had a cast on and she is on to bigger and better things.
Speaking of Ellie, she has stopped growing so fast. She has also turned into the sweetest and softest dog I've ever known. I have let her out of the kennel at night and she has now decided the bed is HER bed. Now, with Cindy this was not an issue, but Ellie, well, she takes up the entire bottom half of the bed and Madeleine ends up with her feet sprawled over my body. I wake up in the middle of the night and have to rearrange everyone so that I can sleep! We were going to give her away, but I decided to keep her and we are glad I did. Here is Madeleine and Ellie having a moment:
Have I mentioned lately how much I love that little girl. I really, really do!!
In other news I finally when off Cymbalta and as of now have decided I will NEVER go on an anti-depressant again in my life. For nearly two weeks I felt like I had the flu. My brain felt and still feels detached from my skull and I realize that it has done more harm than good. If your depressed on an anti-depressant and it takes away your motivation, I can't think that is a good thing. I spoke of my anger back in June when off anti-depressants and while I have had a couple of anger spots this month it isn't as bad as I imagined. Perhaps because I'm not working and don't have as much time pressure. I decided that I should do it while I wasn't working because I could go through this bad period without that pressure.
I have a lot on my plate, I really do but I can only go through this one day at a time. It could be better and it could be worse....so "it is what it is" as someone reminded me of a while back.
My sister-in-law asked me if I've thought of coming back ot New York. Yes, I have. At least for today, it just doesn't feel right. I wanted to move away from there for so long that I think going back is not the answer. My 5 year old designer daughter who is already asking for a sewing machine may disagree...but I'm not ready to move back to the northeast or New York. This may change but for now that is my story and I'm sticking to it.
I do need to find a way to bring an income in. Some new things have happened here. I have been going to the churches employment center and they have a weekly seminar on resume writing. I already knew I needed to updated my resume, but I clearly need to make some serious changes so that it will make it through all of these companies scanning systems. It turns out that one's resume might not ever make it to anyone's desk if the resume doesn't have the right wording in it. It will be spit out by a computer and never seen by anyone. I've had a lot of anxiety about changing it..but I must.
I truly loved working with the pre-schoolers at Madeleine's old school. I adore them actually. I also volunteered again at Madeleine's school this week and love being around the little ones there as well. My dilemma? I want to make good money - really good money so I never have to go through this SHIT again. I also do not want to be at anyone's beck and call again. Quite frankly - it sucks! I'm a hard worker and I know that but it also takes the right set of circumstances to really make me shine. My last job did NOT help me shine. The situation was not right for me.
As hard as it sometimes was to work at Wachtell - the one and only place I ever lasted as long as I did (and I didn't want to go there initially)...something about it helped me shine. While there was a high expectation of producing good work, there was also a subtle and underlying commeraderie and trust - I had proved myself early on to the attorneys and that never went away and they in turn let me experiment, grow, stumble, learn and prosper.......I know it was difficult there and perhaps I'm able to color it rosy now that so much time has gone by.....but something in the mix was right for me and I want to be able to shine again in whatever I do. I want what I do to matter to the people I'm doing it for.
One of my older sisters has consistently suggested the government. I think about it and then think a bureaucracy might not be good for me. BUT, there are other things I need consider in all of this: Madeleine. She will be 18 and going away to college when I'm 61. Not only does that totally make me want to puke, I want to buckle over because of the fear of that thought. I need to make sure we have some kind of safety net. Insurance, savings, a pension. I am thinking of these things and it is scaring the living crap out of me. Which leads to another on-going thought and issue:
My weight. If I don't get this weight off and do something about my knees and arthritis I may very well be in wheel chair at 61. Seriously. I'm absolutely serious about this. I must, must, must light a fire under my butt and get the show on the road in this area of my life!! I am in so much pain and I hate it. I took the dogs for a walk and my hips started hurting and I couldn't believe it. I love walking and that was hurting. I figure the weight is a big factor in all of my physical issues - carrying around 130 EXTRA pounds is a lot of extra weight. This I need God's help with because I'm obviously not able to do anything about it left to my own devices.
My last thought cause I've got to go to Madeleine's party is I've been given a "calling" at my church: Chorister in Relief Society. I did this for a few weeks while someone went away and enjoyed it. I'm nervous it but I'm happy to have a calling. It makes me feel better and it helps me to feel like I'm contributing something to someone...I just need to make sure I study before the big day every week. I need to study the song, the tempo, etc. Today would be a good day to start practicing. After the party.
Perhaps I will write more this month, perhaps not but these are my goals for November (note: I was only successful in one of my goals for October and I had nothing to do with it except get Madeleine to the doctor so they could get the cast off)
Goals for November:
Be one step closer to having a job- FINISH working on my resume
Write everyday - everyday, everyday, everyday
Pray 2x's per day - and one time with Madeleine
Read Scriptures everyday
BE aware of everything I'm grateful for
Consciously and unknowingly do 29 things for other people by the end of the month
Write a letter to my step-mother (I haven't spoken to her or written her since Mother's Day)
Keep the house clean
Love
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