Notes.....

October 2011

Mom & Madeleine October, 2011

Present and Engaged

Well, Spring is here and in the desert valley of Arizona that means temperatures ascending into the 90's during the day.  Nights are still pleasant.  I'll enjoy until July and then all you can do is go swimming or stay inside until September.  The best thing to do is leave for those 2 months.

Madeleine is just about finished with 1st grade!  A month to go or so and that is it.   I'm seeing how fast childhood goes.  I went to church for the first time in a couple of months this past Sunday and I was remembering when I first started going to the LDS Church - Madeleine was just 2 years old and soon she will be 7.  In the same amount of time she has been on the earth she will be a teenager (aaaaahhhhh! - I'll deal with that when I get there).

As you can imagine - she is a different kid than she was when she started 1st grade.  She is more outspoken, more interested in and aware of the outside world than I have ever seen her, more questioning of EVERYTHING.  Her athletic prowess is blossoming as I knew it would and her ability to see how things are connected is growing as is her inquisitiveness about how things are connected is also growing.

I'm loving this age..truly...and at the same time as a single mom I worry that I can't fully be there with all that is happening.

Case in point:  I came home yesterday exhausted.  Madeleine was totally exuberant.  I could not take her in.   I wanted to, but it was as if we were on two different planets.  I could not get out of myself, out of my doldrums and match her enthusiasm.  I felt disappointed in myself.  I felt disappointed that I'm wanting one thing with my daughter, but doing quite the opposite.  I wanted to be engaged with her but I was anything but.

I must point out that I am nearly 50.  In August I hit that half century mark.  I'm not all that connected to the age but hey..it is a long time!  And I feel old.  My worry with Madeleine extends out to the fact that I am an older Mom as well as a single Mom.  My body feels the wear and tear of my age.  I keep saying "I need to get back to the gym"....I  keep saying "I need to lose this extra weight"....both of which are desires which seem hard for me to achieve.  I want to be a strong, in shape, healthy 50 year old so that I can at least try and keep up with this child who I love dearly and who needs me to be here, present and engaged.  Dear Heavenly  Father, please help me!

As a friend pointed out: we really have no choice...we either give up or move forward and giving up isn't an option.  So keep moving forward!

November?

Sad Face :(; Happy Face :)

Well, September and October have come and gone and we're working on November.  I've been so busy trying to keep up with my work schedule and Madeleine that writing has become a thing of the past at the moment.  We're doing well.  I'm working on creating some goals for our future.  And I guess I'm in a state of inner contemplation.   For now, it's short and sweet.

Short update

I'm a Great Aunt to Scarlet!  Pictures to follow.

I think I want to go back to school.  Graduate School.

I need to find a new job.

Madeleine is enjoying 1st Grade.  Pictures to follow too.  Miss her.  We never have the same days off.  This will change when I find a new job.