It's been a shocking, sad, contemplative and life altering month. Sigh.
From a total change in my view of Madeleine's father after some revealing insight to learning that my sister may be moving out of state after I moved here to be near family, to the passing of Tony I'm at a crossroad...or am I?
Madeleine and I are doing fine. We both like where we live and we have a plan for our lives at the moment. I have no plans at the moment of moving or leaving Arizona or changing anything in our lives.
Tony was a big part of our lives even after I moved out a couple of months a go. Just a couple of weeks a go we were on the west side of town at Tony's Mom's house. Madeleine stayed there overnight to spend time with Mackenzy. I brought Tony here to our house just a week or so before he died because I just thought he needed a change of scenery. He was only here a couple of times but I think he loved it here.
We were friends...I couldn't stand the alcohol, but I loved Tony. He had a heart of gold and I think part of the reason he had such a hard time in life was because he was very sensitive and couldn't really deal with the challenges he was confronted with towards the end. He would tell me how much he hated his life. I tried to change his mind about life, but he just couldn't find the positive side of life. Once the alcohol became a part of his daily life and it took over he lost his hope.
For the last three weeks of his life...he kept saying "I want to go home". He also had given up his fight for Mackenzy. He was passionate about his love for his daughter and he was adamant that Mackenzy's Mom was never going to take her away from him. I respected him so much for that because there are so many men in the world who don't have that take on their children and abandon them as easily as they would abandon a stranger - and this includes Madeleine's father. It was refreshing and
When I would ask him "what about Mackenzy" during those last three weeks he would say "sometimes you have to give things up" or "maybe Mackenzy is better off without me" I knew something had truly changed and I knew his life was in danger. He did not and would not commit suicide even with the negativity about his life, but it was almost as if he knew he was going home..home to God...not home to Iowa. Well now his home with God and his body is back in Iowa...so I guess he kind of got what he was asking for.
Tonight I was so incredibly sad about Tony. Madeleine and I just got back from a friends house and I was talking about going to the Easter Pageant at the Mesa Temple. I didn't want to go with just Madeleine and I ...last year we went with Tony and Mackenzy. I suddenly became aware of the fact that before Tony got sick he always got me out of the house. I have a tendency to be mopey and at times lazy...I don't want to go out and won't go out unless I'm pushed to go...and Tony always got me out of the house. He was always willing to check things out...do new things, etc. and I always complained "oh there will be too many people", "we won't find a place to park", blah, blah, blah. Tony on the other hand didn't care about those things and always wanted to bring Mackenzy out and about.
The world has changed for me: doors have closed and new ones are and will open. This chapter of my life ends and a new one begins. It's sad to say goodbye and I'm still here and moving on is what I must do. I'm still sad in my heart off and on and I will be for some time. I'm going to remember the good things about Tony and what he gave me and how he cared about me and I cared about him...the rest doesn't really matter.
As for Claudio and my sister moving, well, I just have to take those things one day at a time and trust that Madeleine and I will be ok and always have love in our lives.....I want to create this new chapter and make it a great one for both of us.
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