Dear Tony

Dear Tony,.

It's been weird here in Arizona and on planet Earth without you. It's so quiet!! I didn't think I'd say this because I was always complaining about them..but I miss your 5 calls a day. At least the phone rang. You added a spark to my life that is no longer there. I know you weren't happy here..but hey we miss you. I so wish we all could have helped you Tony find the answer to your healing.

I so wish we could have found the answer to what you were going through. I so wish that just one of those times that we brought you to the hospital that someone would have realized that you needed help beyond the alcohol and kept you there...kept you there until they found out what was wrong!! I sure won't recommend Gastric by-pass surgery to anyone because I'm pretty sure that that was the beginning of the end. I'm pretty sure that that was your demise. So many people were there to help you..so many..and no matter how much help we seemed to have it didn't seem to matter. You were going down a road of destruction and there was a part of you that just wasn't interested in anything else...you had given up on some level and you were never the same.

I'm sorry that I moved out..but I had to Tony. I couldn't let my daughter and I get taken down that road you were on. It was so unhealthy for Madeleine to be there and I had to protect her. Perhaps you'd still be here had I not moved out..I don't know. I must admit that finding you the way that I did was my biggest fear for Madeleine when I was living there. I was afraid that she would find you dead one day and I couldn't let that happen.

We had a lot of good times and did a lot together. I find myself mentioning you all the time because someone will say "have you ever been to Rawhide" ...and I'll say oh yeah, I went there for 4th of July last year with Tony, Mackenzy and Madeleine. "Have you ever been to Tempe Town Lake"? - "oh yes I went there with Tony, Mackenzy and Madeleine last summer." "Have you ever gone to the merry-go-round at Superstition Springs Mall" - "yes, I used to go there often with Tony, Mackenzy and Madeleine". It is hard for me to think of something that I did over the last 2 years that didn't include you and Mackenzy. Before you were really sick we did a lot together. I were never a full fledged couple - if you know what I mean. In so many ways we were though and when the girls were together we acted like a family. We were a family when the four of us were together. Madeleine considered you her family.

I think I have been trying to deny how much your passing has effected me. I can't seem to move very much. I can't get the dishes done, I can't keep the house clean, I feel stressed in a way that I sometimes feel I can't handle one more day. I had a sense of belonging when you were around. I had a sense that I wasn't totally alone. Of course, then you got sick and all that changed...but before that despite all of my complaints we were good friends. You were like a brother to me. We got a long, we fought, we made up and moved on. And all this on a whim. All this because you answered my ad from Craigslist that I needed a roommate and I trusted you enough to move Madeleine and I into your house.

I've seen Mackenzy a few times. She seems quieter to me Tony. She doesn't say anything, but I know she misses you. How can she not? I must say that I miss her too. We just don't see her as much and when we do she is with her mother and thus I feel she is editing herself because she isn't used to the set up of her mother and I being in the same room with her. There was so much conflict between you and her mother and I was always supporting you so it must seem weird to her to have her mother and me in the same room together. How else though will I ever see Mackenzy if I don't keep things civil with her mother? I want to keep up with her life for my sake and Madeleine's -- so I must.

Her birthday is coming up very soon. Do you remember last year? We had a great big birthday party for Mackenzy and Madeleine at the pool. Madeleine is talking about wanting a pool party again...I guess she had a good time. I'd be willing to do it, I think ...but it would be hard because you were so much a part of that party. You helped get everything together....I'm not sure I want to do it alone..it will just bring back memories of last year and last year you were here.

You know, one of the reasons I ended up joining the Mormon Church was going through the Visitors Center at the Temple. One of the videos talked about how families can be together eternally. My hope is that all th people who have passed before me - My mother, father, my grandmother and grandfather, my cousin Andy and my Aunt Sue, my Aunt Helen and Suzanne Birney, Laura Rockefeller, Julie Puretz and you will all be there when I pass. That it isn't just family but friends too that we will see when we make that step passed the vail.

I miss you Tony, I really do. I can only hope that you are in a better place. That you are happy again. Life keeps rolling forward and I must too...because I'm still here. But you will always be a part of that tapestry of my life..one of those moments of many. If you are out there, keep watch over us please...keep watch especially over Mackenzy and over Madeleine. Be there guardian angel..keep them safe, help guide them in the right direction, nudge them if they're falling off the path. I'm sorry that I yelled at you so much and I hope you will forgive me. Remember that Burritto shop on Ocotillo that you said you always wanted to go to and I snapped back and said "that isn't a Burrito shop" ..well, YOU WERE RIGHT and Madeleine and I (and perhaps Mackenzy too!) will go there in your honor.

Thanks Tony...thanks for having been a part of my life. It was short ...but full. I love you and miss you and I'll see you when I get there..whenever that is....Be good!! Bye for now.