Circa 1978.....if only

MichaelMichele1978
Originally uploaded by mallegrac

This is me with my high school boyfriend getting ready to go to the High School prom on Long Beach, NY. As you can see I was SKINNY. Perhaps 110 pounds and about as tall as I am now. Farah Fawcett hair do.

I showed this to a friend a couple of weeks a go and she said "THAT'S YOU!!" and I said "YES THAT'S ME!!". She said it like it couldn't possibly be me. Mind you this is almost 30 years a go.

While I know I can't possibly get to this size, I'd like to get close and this is going to take a VERY long time. How did I get so big? What happened to that athletic girl who couldn't go a day without running or biking or swimming or SOMETHING.

I think the first key is acceptance...acceptance of how I am now...scars, weight, and declining muscle mass.

I think the second key is finding the motivation. While I have a lot of ideas of what I need to do there is either too much stress or too much good food around or perhaps I'm just incorrigible?

What does it matter really? I want to be healthy, but the goal shouldn't be skinny, it should be health. I want to be healthy so I can be around for Madeleine. I want to be healthy because this is what I want in a partner so this is what I need to be myself.

But, I have it in my mind somewhere that "if you are BIG, you are unlovable and don't deserve to have anyone in your life" and I'm living as if this statement is true - because I believe this about other people too...I don't want a partner who is big..I want a partner who is healthy. But you see this statement is false and therein lies my dilemma and if this is the premise with which I live from I certainly am not going to me anyone.

I hear this from thin people all the time "you have to accept yourself the way you are". Nice to hear from someone who knows nothing of my problem. Or "just do it" as if they know how to do it when in fact they only ever had to lose 10 or 20 pounds.

The "Biggest Loser" is coming to town...it might even be this or next weekend. Since I don't have a job for the next while perhaps I should give it a shot?

I need to know...how do you deal with your weight (or food) issues? how do you motivate yourself? what is the key?

I do know that diets don't work. It is a change of life style. Food choices have to be planned and prepared every day. Exercise - cardio, strength, stretching. I have the cardio down - I falter in the area of strength and stretching. Its been proven to me though over and over again that as you get older while exercise is important - the only way to lose the weight is to change the food choices.

I think the other element to all of this is finding the emotional component that doesn't want the change. There is a part of me, I think, that doesn't want people to come too close and I think this exists for a lot of people who are overweight. Some kind of safety mechanism has been triggered - usually from some sort of abuse - that causes us to use this method to protect ourselves. I don't want this protection anymore!!

I can go one day eating well. Tonight I have a rehearsal dinner to go to and tomorrow my beautiful niece (also Michele) is getting married. Perhaps I can make a commitment to myself to eat well all day and not too much and then allow a little extra at dinner both today and tomorrow. We'll see. I haven't committed to starting the process of losing weight quite yes...just willing to explore this issue here and hear feedback from others dealing with the same issue. So comment away ...I'm open to what you have to say ......