Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Dentist
Madeleine had her 2nd visit to the dentist in her life. She has been complaining about a tooth hurting, but alas....no cavities!! It does sound like she will probably need braces because the doctor said her adult teeth are very close together. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it!
Friday, March 27, 2009
A broken heart.....
Yesterday morning I so wanted to take a walk...with the dogs ...a long walk. I knew it would be impossible to take Madeleine with me because she would putter out after about 1,000 feet. She was watching "Little Einstein" and I thought that that was my chance. I told her I was going for a walk and that I'd be back in a few minutes. I rationalized that I was only walking around the block and everything would be fine.
I got 1/2 way around the block which happens to also be the other side of our property and I thought of jumping over the fence and running back to the house, but I REALLY wanted to keep walking...so I did. It was a lovely walk really. Jack and Cindy were sniffing away. We would lose Cindy every once in a while and then she'd come running down the street a million miles an hour to catch up to us. Jack...loyal Jack stayed by my side most of the time. It was the first time I had every taken a walk "around the block" in my new neighborhood. Everyone there has at least 5 acres of land and everyone has a dog behind their gate ready to come and rip you to pieces if you try to come into their domain...but we ignored them for the most part.
I didn't realize that going around the block was 2 miles until I looked it up on google maps when I got to work..but I knew it was taking longer that I would have liked. As we were coming around to Coyote Road again Cindy decided she wanted to go run in the farm across the street. She didn't realize that there was an irrigation stream between her and the field and she went flying into that water. It was hysterical really and I wish I was rolling a video because her face just showed utter shock. I had to get down on my belly and pull her out because the stream is surrounded by cement and she just couldn't pull herself up over the edge. As you can imagine, this extended our little walk. As soon as I got Cindy out of there she was tearing down the street in a full sprint and then in circles..as dogs will do when they get wet.
I finally got home to Madeleine who told me her ordeal with tears streaming down her face while I was gone -- "I walked outside and you weren't there, I looked in the garden and your weren't there, I screamed and yelled and you didn't come, I walked over to Boni Le and Robert's house and they didn't answer..and I though to myself I am REALLY alone and my mommy is never coming back.....DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN" I felt soooo guilty. :(....bad Mommy. I hugged her and hugged her and hugged her and hugged her again. I told her I wasn't going anywhere...and that I wouldn't do that again.
After calming down a bit she said "Mommy if you do that again, you will break my heart....you will break my heart on the top (she points), on the bottom (she points again) on the sides (she points again) and all the way around (she makes a circle around her heart). I don't ever want you to do that again." She melted my heart when she did this it was just too cute for words. I will never do that again. I told her we would go to some garage sales and find her a wagon so she can come with me and she can go in the wagon when she gets tired. Phew...what a morning of excitement.
I got 1/2 way around the block which happens to also be the other side of our property and I thought of jumping over the fence and running back to the house, but I REALLY wanted to keep walking...so I did. It was a lovely walk really. Jack and Cindy were sniffing away. We would lose Cindy every once in a while and then she'd come running down the street a million miles an hour to catch up to us. Jack...loyal Jack stayed by my side most of the time. It was the first time I had every taken a walk "around the block" in my new neighborhood. Everyone there has at least 5 acres of land and everyone has a dog behind their gate ready to come and rip you to pieces if you try to come into their domain...but we ignored them for the most part.
I didn't realize that going around the block was 2 miles until I looked it up on google maps when I got to work..but I knew it was taking longer that I would have liked. As we were coming around to Coyote Road again Cindy decided she wanted to go run in the farm across the street. She didn't realize that there was an irrigation stream between her and the field and she went flying into that water. It was hysterical really and I wish I was rolling a video because her face just showed utter shock. I had to get down on my belly and pull her out because the stream is surrounded by cement and she just couldn't pull herself up over the edge. As you can imagine, this extended our little walk. As soon as I got Cindy out of there she was tearing down the street in a full sprint and then in circles..as dogs will do when they get wet.
I finally got home to Madeleine who told me her ordeal with tears streaming down her face while I was gone -- "I walked outside and you weren't there, I looked in the garden and your weren't there, I screamed and yelled and you didn't come, I walked over to Boni Le and Robert's house and they didn't answer..and I though to myself I am REALLY alone and my mommy is never coming back.....DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN" I felt soooo guilty. :(....bad Mommy. I hugged her and hugged her and hugged her and hugged her again. I told her I wasn't going anywhere...and that I wouldn't do that again.
After calming down a bit she said "Mommy if you do that again, you will break my heart....you will break my heart on the top (she points), on the bottom (she points again) on the sides (she points again) and all the way around (she makes a circle around her heart). I don't ever want you to do that again." She melted my heart when she did this it was just too cute for words. I will never do that again. I told her we would go to some garage sales and find her a wagon so she can come with me and she can go in the wagon when she gets tired. Phew...what a morning of excitement.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Thoughts for March
I've been sitting in the bath tub for almost an hour. This is a luxury for me.
Madeleine is at her pseudo-Grandmother's house until later today and stayed over night last night. The last time I had this much time to myself was over a year a go. I've hardly said a word. The silence is so incredibly blissful. The sounds around me where I'm living are enough. Birds, horses, an occasional baaaah from one of the lambs. There is a breeze in the air that is just perfect and I could probably do this for another couple of days.
Alas, it will all end in about an hour when I need to leave the house and get to my niece's wedding shower at my sister's house. There will be lots of activity and I am very much looking forward to it..BUT...I will need to leave my present state.
One of the things I was thinking about in the tub was a conversation that came up yesterday with a friend of mine - Sharon. She works for a lab that does testing for paternity and every time I see her she points out to me that I MUST get Madeleine's Dad to send child support. About a month or two a go I was persuaded enough that I sent Claudio a note that I was going to start paternity testing. It wasn't a week later that I got a note from him that he was now living in Brazil for good.I have reason to believe otherwise I have reason to believe that this is in fact true which would make the paternity testing and forcing of child support impossible anyway, but this isn't the point. The point is I don't have any desire to go through the process of "forcing" Claudio to pay child support and have come to the conclusion that this just isn't a route I'm going to go.
This is my viewpoint: When I got pregnant I decided the day I found out that I was going to have the baby with or without Claudio. I just left a job where the prior year I had made $102,000.00. I was sure I would find a similar job and that I could afford to care for her on my own. I did find a similar job 5 months into my pregnancy and it carried me through past Madeleine's first birthday. I was laid off and that is another story all together, but I did tell Claudio "I'm having this baby and you need to decide what you want to do".
I must say that I was prayer full and hopeful that Claudio would stay involved..I really did want that, and he has obviously made a decision that that is not what he wants. I once told Claudio I adored him ...and that I always would and the truth of the matter is that I still do. Madeleine and I pray for him often. I don't mince words with Madeleine. She knows that Claudio lives elsewhere (she still thinks he lives in "Florida" - although I'm not even sure that she knows what that means really). She asks often if we can call him and I tell her not right now. I've told her often that her father is a good person, but he isn't able to be her father right now but that he loves her and that the reason that he is not here is not her fault. She still wants to know who he is.
Ironically, Madeleine not only looks like Claudio, but she also does these idiosyncratic things that remind me of Claudio and it is kind of interesting to watch when she does them. I don't say much about them to her..but I just watch them and kind of smile.
Our last encounter with Claudio was the 4 day stint we were in Florida again after leaving New York. I was willing to try again, but he obviously decided it wasn't going to work and he asked us to leave his apartment. We left for Arizona and I've been here every since.
The reason I say all of this is that Claudio knows what the right thing is to do. He isn't stupid and he does have a conscience. I have always sent him my address and my phone number and will continue to do that. He knows where I am. He may one day decide to do the right thing, but I don't think that time is now. I do not want to live a life of contention, anger or looking back in frustration. He will live with the issues that come with not doing the right thing.
It is true that I struggle financially. I'm only making $35,000.00 a year now...a far cry from the $102,000.0 I made a few years a go. But I believe that I will make more money again..and in the meantime and especially in this economy $35,000.00 is okay and money isn't everything. It really doesn't matter either whether I make $5,000.00, $35,000, or $100,000 I made the decision to have Madeleine and he was never involved from the beginning. So perhaps one day he will be inour Madeleine's lives life, perhaps one day he will supplement my income to raise Madeleine, but I will never force him because that isn't the right thing to do for me. He has a will, he has agency and he knows what is right. It is his choice. That is where I stand on this issue. I am a spiritual being living a human existence as is everyone else on this planet - including Claudio and that is the way I choose to live my life. It's not up to me what he chooses to do with his life...it is only up to me to do what I choose to do with my life. I believe that God takes care of the rest.
I rest my case on this.
Madeleine is at her pseudo-Grandmother's house until later today and stayed over night last night. The last time I had this much time to myself was over a year a go. I've hardly said a word. The silence is so incredibly blissful. The sounds around me where I'm living are enough. Birds, horses, an occasional baaaah from one of the lambs. There is a breeze in the air that is just perfect and I could probably do this for another couple of days.
Alas, it will all end in about an hour when I need to leave the house and get to my niece's wedding shower at my sister's house. There will be lots of activity and I am very much looking forward to it..BUT...I will need to leave my present state.
One of the things I was thinking about in the tub was a conversation that came up yesterday with a friend of mine - Sharon. She works for a lab that does testing for paternity and every time I see her she points out to me that I MUST get Madeleine's Dad to send child support. About a month or two a go I was persuaded enough that I sent Claudio a note that I was going to start paternity testing. It wasn't a week later that I got a note from him that he was now living in Brazil for good.
This is my viewpoint: When I got pregnant I decided the day I found out that I was going to have the baby with or without Claudio. I just left a job where the prior year I had made $102,000.00. I was sure I would find a similar job and that I could afford to care for her on my own. I did find a similar job 5 months into my pregnancy and it carried me through past Madeleine's first birthday. I was laid off and that is another story all together, but I did tell Claudio "I'm having this baby and you need to decide what you want to do".
I must say that I was prayer full and hopeful that Claudio would stay involved..I really did want that, and he has obviously made a decision that that is not what he wants. I once told Claudio I adored him ...and that I always would and the truth of the matter is that I still do. Madeleine and I pray for him often. I don't mince words with Madeleine. She knows that Claudio lives elsewhere (she still thinks he lives in "Florida" - although I'm not even sure that she knows what that means really). She asks often if we can call him and I tell her not right now. I've told her often that her father is a good person, but he isn't able to be her father right now but that he loves her and that the reason that he is not here is not her fault. She still wants to know who he is.
Ironically, Madeleine not only looks like Claudio, but she also does these idiosyncratic things that remind me of Claudio and it is kind of interesting to watch when she does them. I don't say much about them to her..but I just watch them and kind of smile.
Our last encounter with Claudio was the 4 day stint we were in Florida again after leaving New York. I was willing to try again, but he obviously decided it wasn't going to work and he asked us to leave his apartment. We left for Arizona and I've been here every since.
The reason I say all of this is that Claudio knows what the right thing is to do. He isn't stupid and he does have a conscience. I have always sent him my address and my phone number and will continue to do that. He knows where I am. He may one day decide to do the right thing, but I don't think that time is now. I do not want to live a life of contention, anger or looking back in frustration. He will live with the issues that come with not doing the right thing.
It is true that I struggle financially. I'm only making $35,000.00 a year now...a far cry from the $102,000.0 I made a few years a go. But I believe that I will make more money again..and in the meantime and especially in this economy $35,000.00 is okay and money isn't everything. It really doesn't matter either whether I make $5,000.00, $35,000, or $100,000 I made the decision to have Madeleine and he was never involved from the beginning. So perhaps one day he will be in
I rest my case on this.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Madeleine Speak
Madeleine: How old is Gigi (my friend Linda's daughter)
Me: 8
Madeleine: How do you know Mom?
Me: Linda told me
Madeleine: When did Linda tell you Mom?
Me: I don't know ...some conversation we've had over the time we've known each other
Madeleine: You mean at the playground?
Me: Something like that, yes Madeleine. You know, Linda knows your age too.
Madeleine: Yes, I'm 4....Mom am I 4?
Me: Well, Madeleine, you are actually 4 and 3/4.
Madeleine: No, Mom I'm I want to be 4 in a line.
Me: What do you mean 4 in a line?
Madeleine: Yes, Mom, I want to be 4 1/2 and 4 in a line?
Me: OK, you are 4 1/2 and 4 in a line.
Madeleine: I don't want to be 4 in a line anymore.
Me: OK, you are only 4 1/2.
Madeleine: Yes, Mom, I am only 4 1/2.
Me: 8
Madeleine: How do you know Mom?
Me: Linda told me
Madeleine: When did Linda tell you Mom?
Me: I don't know ...some conversation we've had over the time we've known each other
Madeleine: You mean at the playground?
Me: Something like that, yes Madeleine. You know, Linda knows your age too.
Madeleine: Yes, I'm 4....Mom am I 4?
Me: Well, Madeleine, you are actually 4 and 3/4.
Madeleine: No, Mom I'm I want to be 4 in a line.
Me: What do you mean 4 in a line?
Madeleine: Yes, Mom, I want to be 4 1/2 and 4 in a line?
Me: OK, you are 4 1/2 and 4 in a line.
Madeleine: I don't want to be 4 in a line anymore.
Me: OK, you are only 4 1/2.
Madeleine: Yes, Mom, I am only 4 1/2.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
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