Random Thoughts

I forget to eat....I am lacking energy to do what needs to do to clean up this mess.....what do I do with all of Madeleine's projects......I feel overwhelmed....do the dishes.....need to make Madeleine more responsible for her messes around the house......"no more mister nice guy".......I'm tired ....I want a nap....call Janet...call Pam....eat you are hungry.....God HELP!!!!......hard-boiled eggs.....darn tendinitis again...this time in my right elbow...can't pick up pot....................it HURTS.................Cindy brought in an egg..where did she get it? Under the shed next door no doubt....chickens must go under there and lay eggs....zucchini what am I going to do with that huge zucchini.....EAT ....need to make doctors appointment....where has Emily been???? I want to open that egg and see what's inside.....am I too predictable?? make deal with Linda....I drive ....she pays the $2.00 to get in the pool.....maybe I'm just plane lazy...want to take a nap....it's only 10:40am....ok, but you've been up since 8:00am.....take an action...take a nap... I FINISHED THE DISHES.....take a nap.....why are there pennies all over the floor? brush hair first.....on our way out...more later

Our Trip to San Diego

I really had hoped to write about San Diego much before today but I've been exhausted since we've been home and pretty much busy since the moment we got out of the car. I must say we had a nice time. It wasn't grand or stylish, we didn't do anything fantastic, but it was calm and relaxing and comfortable. It was really nice to see an old friend and it was really nice to see our girls hit it off so well. And I enjoyed getting to know Jen's husband a bit better.

The drive there was uneventful. I piled Madeleine, Cindy, Jack and myself in the car almost 2 1/2 hours after we were originally going to leave, but we made really good time and got there in 6 1/2 hours. Mark and Jen had our dinner ready so we had some steak and potatoes (mmm) and were off to bed pretty early. Madeleine and Nicky started playing almost the minute we walked in the door.

The first day we went to Cabrillo National Monument Tidepools and looked at the little creatures living in the various pools - mostly little crabs. The girls enjoyed it and I enjoyed the girls enjoying it and having us all together. My knees (and weight) are really not conducive at the moment to going up and down hills but I did it anyway - darn it...I'm not going to let this problem I'm having right now stop me from doing stuff..but that is another story.

Nicky and Madeleine - Tide Pools

Madeleine and Nicky going up the stairs from the Tidepools (I love this picture!!)

Mom and Madeleine at Tide Pools

Jen and Mark

We were all getting a little hungry and grumpy and Jen and Mark had planned for us to go eat in La Jolla. Parking was kind of difficult so Mark dropped us off atop the Children's Pool and we went down below to see the pool and the baby seals coming up on the shore.

Little did I know that there is a big controversy over the Children's Pool in San Diego - let the Pool be a haven for Seals or allow it to be what Ellen Browning Schripps had intended when she had the pool donated for the use of children.

The day we were there protesters using blow horns were yelling at people to "stay off the beach", "stay away from the seals". I certainly had a conflict of interest...while I understand where they are coming from, it was the first time that Madeleine experienced a beach and it was not against the law to go to the water's edge. I had to decide if I was going to listen to the protesters or let Madeleine go to the water's edge and feel the water. I chose to take Madeleine and Nicky to the shoreline. They had fun and they weren't going near the seals.

I did notice that there was absolutely no one on the beach until we went to the shoreline though - within 5 minutes of us going down there, there were 10's of other people on the beach. I am an animal lover and support environmental causes and oppose and inordinate amount of human activity, but this wasn't one of them. When you are dealing with a community that is already established and where tons of tourists come on a regular basis, and the pool was originally dedicated to children, and the seals seem to cohabitate with the people - you have to let things be what they are and a preserve is not one of them. Perhaps the best you can do in this situation is put into law not to come within a certain distance from the seals and to always treat the seals with kindness and respect. I heard of instances recently in Kauai, Hawaii where two Monk Seals (an endangered species) were killed while they were just laying on the beach...THIS I have a problem with. Observing them on the beach while frolicing in the water, with this I do not have a problem.

Here are the girl's at the Children's Pool:

FINALLY, we went to lunch. Mark and Jen treated us which was really sweet...and necessary if we were all going to eat there cause I really had just enough money to get to San Diego and back (although I did buy some small items on Monday before we left to go back to Arizona). Mark met us at the Children's Pool and then we walked countless stairs to get up to the street from the Children's Pool and then walked up a loooong hill to get to the downtown area of La Jolla to find our restaurant...a new burger joint called "The Burger Lounge". I have to say that that was one of the best burgers I have ever had!! Go there if you like burgers. The place really was quite small for all of us to sit, but the food made up for it. Jen went for a salad which is what I probably should have done..but you know ...that burger was delicious.

After leaving there we headed back to a grassy area along the water in LaJolla -- really nice!! The girls ran on the grass and climbed on this tree:


Then we headed home...and relaxed. The kids played in the sprinkler, Jen and I talked and I think Mark watched a game - basketball...I think? Mark made a delicious barbecue chicken dish which we thoroughly enjoyed.

The next day Mark went and played golf and "the girls" went to Pacific Beach. This is actually where I visited Mark and Jen 13 years a go and the last time I had seen them. Pacific Beach is a nice sandy beach that is easily accessible from the street. Unfortunately, parking is difficult and we must have parked about a mile from the beach or there about. Once again I had to deal with my staggering body issues - this time my feet. My right foot was killing me from cracked heels that were infected a bit. I think they are better from a couple of days of wearing socks and sneakers but that day they were hurting. However, I just dealt with it because it was more important to enjoy the company of Jen and the girls then complain about my feet. The girls enjoyed the day and we all got tan. I spent a good 10 or 15 minutes down at the water just smelling the ocean air. I hadn't realized how much I missed the ocean, the sand, the sun.

I also was teary eyed a couple of times watching Madeleine run to and fro with the ebb and flow of the waves. I wanted so badly for her to see the ocean and for her to experience it and her joy just made my tears flow. I know I'm a sap....

I am not crazy about showing this picture of me on the beach. I am actually horrified by my weight and what is going on with my body. But I am where I am. I think I've gained about 40 pounds since I moved to Arizona. I was overweight when I moved to Arizona. I am a whopping 266 pounds!! But, I'm in a process about this and there is more to come about this, but I guess I just had to bring them up after adding this picture to my site. Ugh.

We had pizza for dinner. Mark and Jen are very particular about pizza and they were only open to two places. One was in the area where they live that just opened -- but happened to be closed for the Memorial Day w/e holiday and the other was at Pacific Beach. I was going to add the name here, but I don't remember it and can't find it. Another relaxing night at home.

The girls said for the 3rd time that they were going to sleep together. The 1st and 2nd nights that idea was over in about 2 minutes. The third night Madeleine actually fell asleep in Nicky's bedroom. I could see her from my bed and I kept waking up to make sure she was ok. She was and stayed there until early morning Monday. I'm not sure how long Nicky stuck around, but I think she was in her parents bed pretty quick. I guess our habits die hard. I have given up on the idea of Madeleine sleeping in her own bed anytime soon. If it happens - great! But I'm not going to push the issue. I get slack from some people...and then I start thinking I'm dong something wrong by letting her sleep with me..but then I come to my senses and realize that I as a parent don't have a problem with it and think it is a-ok.

Memorial Day we headed over to The Seaport Village in San Diego. We went through Old Town and Downtown before getting to the village. The girls went on the carousel, Jen bought the girls little toe rings for their fingers and I bought them key rings...and then we were off. Can you stand a couple of more pictures?


We headed back to Jen and Mark's after this - ate some hot dogs and got ready to leave.

The dogs were great. Jack got a little constipated - couldn't poop, but he was ok. You know how people sometimes get constipated when they go on trips? I think Jack got a little of this on this trip. I took them on a walk each morning with the girls, by myself or with Jen:

Cindy was crazy as usual, chasing people and cars if she got a chance ...but overall they were pretty good. Mark was like "The Dog Whisperer" - he seemed to have a knack with them and they listened. Cindy was particularly afraid of him and one time when she got out I asked him to help get her...he yelled in such a way that she was back in the house in less than a minute - something she would never do with me. She was afraid of Jen too, but that one we never figured out.

I did not take any pictures at the house which is a shame. Mark and Jen did a wonderful job with their house and remodeling. The house has a very homey feel and I love how Jen decorated. They have a wonderful deck out back, lots of grass still too and an old shed to store stuff. The house is in the area of Clairemont - a northern area of San Diego built in the early 50's. The area which is about 5 miles from the beach felt a little like a beach community. Older but homey.

Our trip home was as uneventful as the trip there, and quicker. We were home in 6 hours. It was hard to believe but it really isn't that far. There's a stretch of road just after you get out of San Diego that is a long downhill - that, of course, is all uphill going towards San Diego and I think this is why there it took 6 1/2 hours and on the way back in only took 6 hours. Its funny cause as your winding around this road you keep going in and out of San Diego and Imperial Counties. You'll make a turn and you'll see "now entering Imperial County" and you'll go down another sideback and then you'll see "now entering San Diego County" and enter another sideback and then "now entering Imperial County" back and forth a couple of times until you are in one or the other depending on what side of the mountain you are on.

The trip made me realize that I want to be able to do that more often. Not only to San Diego but to other places as well. I like to travel!! I have some things brewing which I'll write about in my next segment (lol).

San Diego here we come!!

Yes, Madeleine, Jack, Cindy and I are going to visit a friend of mine who I grew up with - Jen, her husband Mark and their daughter Nicole in San Diego and we leave in a few short hours.

I had very mixed feelings about going because of my continuing financial strain, but I'm pretty sure that it doesn't matter because if we go today or September or next year some time we will still be financially strained unless a miracle happens (i.e., somehow my blog gets really popular and I start bringing in advertising dollars?). But, needless to say, I need a change of scenery and we're going.

Madeleine is SO excited. She wants to meet Nicole (she knows her name but she has never SEEN her!!) She is wondering WHEN we will get to the beach?

I'm excited to see Jen and meet Nicole and go to the beach and see Madeleine's reaction to the ocean. She was there as a baby, but she, of course, doesn't remember.

I purchased a small PINK toiletry bag for our trip to San Diego from WalMart. Wouldn't you know that that bag was "ours" for about a minute. It is now Madeleine's bag for her bathing suit, pajamas and important sparkly nail polish. I'm now left to find another bag for MY stuff!! I should have known better when I purchased PINK. I specifically bought PINK because I knew she would like it, but hey I thought we could share it!! (not. :( ). I obviously wasn't thinking clearly.

I'll post pictures either in California or when we get back. Have a safe and fun Memorial Day weekend.

Ch-ch-changes

I've made changes to the site. If you have comments (good or bad), please feel free to add them below. I'm not sure how I feel about my own updates....:)

Dear Tony

Dear Tony,.

It's been weird here in Arizona and on planet Earth without you. It's so quiet!! I didn't think I'd say this because I was always complaining about them..but I miss your 5 calls a day. At least the phone rang. You added a spark to my life that is no longer there. I know you weren't happy here..but hey we miss you. I so wish we all could have helped you Tony find the answer to your healing.

I so wish we could have found the answer to what you were going through. I so wish that just one of those times that we brought you to the hospital that someone would have realized that you needed help beyond the alcohol and kept you there...kept you there until they found out what was wrong!! I sure won't recommend Gastric by-pass surgery to anyone because I'm pretty sure that that was the beginning of the end. I'm pretty sure that that was your demise. So many people were there to help you..so many..and no matter how much help we seemed to have it didn't seem to matter. You were going down a road of destruction and there was a part of you that just wasn't interested in anything else...you had given up on some level and you were never the same.

I'm sorry that I moved out..but I had to Tony. I couldn't let my daughter and I get taken down that road you were on. It was so unhealthy for Madeleine to be there and I had to protect her. Perhaps you'd still be here had I not moved out..I don't know. I must admit that finding you the way that I did was my biggest fear for Madeleine when I was living there. I was afraid that she would find you dead one day and I couldn't let that happen.

We had a lot of good times and did a lot together. I find myself mentioning you all the time because someone will say "have you ever been to Rawhide" ...and I'll say oh yeah, I went there for 4th of July last year with Tony, Mackenzy and Madeleine. "Have you ever been to Tempe Town Lake"? - "oh yes I went there with Tony, Mackenzy and Madeleine last summer." "Have you ever gone to the merry-go-round at Superstition Springs Mall" - "yes, I used to go there often with Tony, Mackenzy and Madeleine". It is hard for me to think of something that I did over the last 2 years that didn't include you and Mackenzy. Before you were really sick we did a lot together. I were never a full fledged couple - if you know what I mean. In so many ways we were though and when the girls were together we acted like a family. We were a family when the four of us were together. Madeleine considered you her family.

I think I have been trying to deny how much your passing has effected me. I can't seem to move very much. I can't get the dishes done, I can't keep the house clean, I feel stressed in a way that I sometimes feel I can't handle one more day. I had a sense of belonging when you were around. I had a sense that I wasn't totally alone. Of course, then you got sick and all that changed...but before that despite all of my complaints we were good friends. You were like a brother to me. We got a long, we fought, we made up and moved on. And all this on a whim. All this because you answered my ad from Craigslist that I needed a roommate and I trusted you enough to move Madeleine and I into your house.

I've seen Mackenzy a few times. She seems quieter to me Tony. She doesn't say anything, but I know she misses you. How can she not? I must say that I miss her too. We just don't see her as much and when we do she is with her mother and thus I feel she is editing herself because she isn't used to the set up of her mother and I being in the same room with her. There was so much conflict between you and her mother and I was always supporting you so it must seem weird to her to have her mother and me in the same room together. How else though will I ever see Mackenzy if I don't keep things civil with her mother? I want to keep up with her life for my sake and Madeleine's -- so I must.

Her birthday is coming up very soon. Do you remember last year? We had a great big birthday party for Mackenzy and Madeleine at the pool. Madeleine is talking about wanting a pool party again...I guess she had a good time. I'd be willing to do it, I think ...but it would be hard because you were so much a part of that party. You helped get everything together....I'm not sure I want to do it alone..it will just bring back memories of last year and last year you were here.

You know, one of the reasons I ended up joining the Mormon Church was going through the Visitors Center at the Temple. One of the videos talked about how families can be together eternally. My hope is that all th people who have passed before me - My mother, father, my grandmother and grandfather, my cousin Andy and my Aunt Sue, my Aunt Helen and Suzanne Birney, Laura Rockefeller, Julie Puretz and you will all be there when I pass. That it isn't just family but friends too that we will see when we make that step passed the vail.

I miss you Tony, I really do. I can only hope that you are in a better place. That you are happy again. Life keeps rolling forward and I must too...because I'm still here. But you will always be a part of that tapestry of my life..one of those moments of many. If you are out there, keep watch over us please...keep watch especially over Mackenzy and over Madeleine. Be there guardian angel..keep them safe, help guide them in the right direction, nudge them if they're falling off the path. I'm sorry that I yelled at you so much and I hope you will forgive me. Remember that Burritto shop on Ocotillo that you said you always wanted to go to and I snapped back and said "that isn't a Burrito shop" ..well, YOU WERE RIGHT and Madeleine and I (and perhaps Mackenzy too!) will go there in your honor.

Thanks Tony...thanks for having been a part of my life. It was short ...but full. I love you and miss you and I'll see you when I get there..whenever that is....Be good!! Bye for now.

Kindergarten is upon us

Today we go to Madeleine's new school for an Open House. I can't believe that what felt like a very long time is upon us....Madeleine's transition into elementary school. I know it's just a part of that mother's love, but I'm so excited for her!! I'm excited for this transition because I think she is going to do great and I think she is ready. Her pre-school teacher - Miss Montyne - prepared her well.

In Arizona, many of the charter schools have what is referred to as a modified full year program. So, Madeleine starts school at the end of July, but she has many breaks along the way. At this particular school parents are required to participate and volunteer 80 hours a year. With everything else I'm doing it will be interesting to see how I fit this in. Of course, because I work full-time I won't be able to participate at the school very often, but I'll be able to grade papers and make phone calls to parents, etc for events.

I've made it a bit difficult for myself by choosing a charter school over the local public school, but I feel adamant about Madeleine getting a great education that is geared toward her abilities. I went to the open house of the local public school and I was not impressed. Arizona has the distinction of having the worst public schools in the country. The local school district is not at the top of the list of great schools in Arizona so I'm not sure it has a lot of promise. OK, I know, "it's just kindergarten"....but still, I want her to start out with a love of learning and I think she has a better shot at the charter school than the local public school.

I'm not sure how I am going to handle work and school as there is a conflict there. I work with a bunch of men who have the mentality of men. If I worked with a bunch of women my work life, I think, would be more flexible. I'm going to have to make some changes and perhaps explore new sources of income....but we will cross that bridge when we get there. While my work is important to me, being there for Madeleine in the capacity of a Mom is more important.

I guess this Kindergarten thing is a new adventure for Madeleine and for me...and I'm looking forward to what it may bring to both of our journeys.

Madeleine, Family and Friends

I so cherish when Madeleine can spend time with friends because for so much time its just the two of us. Not that that is a bad thing, but I imagine - and I don't know because I wasn't - but I imagine being an only child can be lonely at times and even more so when its just two.

Madeleine is very social too...so even when she is alone she is creating friends out of her animals or lately making things to give to her friends and family the next time she sees them. My sister and nephews came and surprised us Mother's Day morning and my sister brought a beautiful bouquet of a dozen pink roses. I only have about eight left though cause Madeleine keeps giving them to people - her teacher at church, her teacher at pre-school, our friend Sonia who came with her girls last night. She is also making jewelry these days out of thread and any old bead she can find and each piece is for someone she knows.

I invited Sonia over last night with her girls Sadie and Macie for dinner and we were supposed to have a "Family Home Evening". We had dinner - spaghetti, mac and cheese, salad and a wonderful whipped cream and chocolate dessert that Sonia made. The girls played...but we never did get to the Family Home Evening because by the time we thought of it, it was time for Sonia and the girls to go home and for Madeleine to get ready for bed. But Madeleine did say the prayer at dinner, Sonia and I got to catch up and the girls had fun and got to be silly together.

We also had Mackenzy and her Mom, Jen, over Saturday night...Madeleine and Mackenzy are still kooky together and I hope that we can continue seeing her and Madeleine and Mackenzy's sisterly relationship will last into the future.

I want to create a home for her where we have people over often and our life is filled with fun and laughter and friends and family. One thing though....I will have to learn to get the dishes done and get the house clean more often.

Happy Mother's Day

To all the Mothers out there in couple and single...I celebrate you today!!

Happy Mother's Day.

Bursts and One Great Moment

I am writing..but then Madeleine wakes up and of course I need to STOP what I am doing and get her settled in her morning routine....I feel resentful. I was just about to start writing and guess what? Maggie goes on a stroll somewhere and I'm worried so I get up and go to find her. I am just about to write and Jack drops his ball at my feet and pants heavily, I feel guilty. Madeleine says she loves me...something she has taken to doing when she senses that I am not present with her, or that I am angry, or sad, or anything but fully attentive to her oh gosh and then I feel like the worst mother in the world. I look around the house....a full sink of dishes and a dishwasher that is broken..and I think, why am I writing? I should be doing these dishes? Hair on the floor from Maggie that Cindy has pulled out of a garbage bag because she decided it would be a good thing to chew on. Oh and now I'm supposed to go and give blood...so this writing session is about to end because I've got to get dressed. Exciting, huh?

The good news? I spent a short amount of time in the cool morning air watering plants and enjoying the smells and sounds and views from our yard...and then I saw the most beautiful moon reflecting back at me as it set on the opposite horizon from the rising sun. It was a moment of awesome wonder. Then I realized it was going to turn to a sizzling 102 today and that moment popped and I went on to do the things I had to do before hustle and bustle begins again.

p.s ....Tony's parents are coming to town today. In a couple of days Maggie will leave us and go with his parents to live. I feel enormously sad and incredibly relieved at the same time.

Prayer - God give me strength, patience and a shot of your spirit so I can walk graciously through this day with love.

Reserved Seating -- by Busrah

I couldn't help but post this picture...I love it!!

photo by Busrah

Madeleine Speak

Today Madeleine and I were searching for "Maggie the Wanderer" and went out to the horse stalls to look for her because she eats horse poop. We were discussing whether each of the 3 horses was a girl or a boy and leaving the horse stalls Madeleine - staring at one of the horses said "oh THAT's a boy"...we walked a few more steps and she turned around again and said "you know Mom..it looks like a battery".

May 6th.............................................

$5,000.00 in dental work to be done

I just found out this morning that I have $5,000.00 worth of dental work to be done. Yikes!! I have two baby teeth still lingering that are loose..they need to be removed and replaced with implants. I have to have some heavy duty cleaning done. Three crowns and a possible root canal.
I'm very excited!! (not). I'll go for the heavy duty cleaning which will cost me $126.50 for a quarter of my teeth. That is $506.00.

I suppose I could forego our trip to San Diego, but I think we need the trip as much as I need all this dental work. We'll figure it out.

Oh..that $506.00 for that special heavy duty cleaning is only my portion of the bill. Believe it or not I have dental insurance. They pay $436. Perhaps I need a second opinion?

May arrives!!

Aaaah....we will be swimming soon. The HOT summers of Arizona begin in May but the unbearable part doesn't really come until July when the heat doesn't let up day or night. This time of year here is perfect for me...hot during the day and cool at night. Spring lasted forever here and now the 90 degree temps are here and the 100 degree temps will be here soon and they will stay until September. We don't have a pool at our disposal the way we did at Cortina but my plan is to go there most days after school and swim before we come home. We'll see how that goes.

April was long....and sad....and I feel hope for the month of May. I decided yesterday that despite our low funds that Madeleine and I need a vacation so we are going to San Diego and staying with a friend I grew up with for Memorial Day weekend. She has a daughter that is a few months older than Madeleine and they will meet for the first time. Since Jennifer (my friend) and I are the same age and didn't have a child until later in our lives it will be great to commiserate at the joys and difficulties of beginning motherhood in the 40's.

I told Madeleine we were going to the beach soon and she is thrilled!! She did go to the beach in New York when she was a baby - a few times - but she was too young to remember that. Oh ..and we did go to the beach in Florida when were there...once. We visited a friend who lived on Miami Beach on the beach but she doesn't remember that either. She will remember San Diego though and I am trusting it will be a fun, relaxing and memorable trip for the both of us.

I'm also in the midst of looking at houses to buy. Yes...let me repeat that...I am looking at houses to buy. Someone is going to buy the house for me and they will basically be my lender. I will pay them towards buying the house -- a lease to own kind of deal. They will keep the deed and after I've paid some of the mortgage off the deed will be transferred to my name. Interest is minimal...I'm excited. It will be sad to leave this beautiful place we've been for these few short months but the idea that I will own something and that my monthly payments will be cut down more than 1/2 is too good to pass up. I am very grateful. I feel like I've come upon a guardian angel who is looking out for Madeleine and I and making our lives easier than they might have been otherwise.