The Birds and The Bees

Well, I went back to work yesterday with some trepidation but except for the usual irritations \it was ok. I say that a lot "ok"....asi asi, comme ci comme ça. Yup....I can't say "I'M GREAT"!! but I also can't say "I'M HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY" so the alternative is somewhere in the middle. There is always something going on in my life - usually financially related that is pulling me down, but I do offset that with the beauty of the moment. That cannot be taken away from me.

Fortunately or unfortunately I have NEVER been the happiest person on the planet. I've had patches of time when I felt great and things were going wonderful but they were followed by times of pain or frustration or worry. I spent years reading self help books trying to alter that. It worked for a time, but pretty much I ended up back in the middle. My spiritual journey has definitely helped. Perhaps when I was younger I didn't notice the flowers, the singing birds, the morning glories growing on the side of our building in a sea of concrete when we lived in NYC...but today I focus on these things....I focus on the things that matter despite the underlying other stuff going on.

OK, that was not my plan to go there. I feel like crying this morning and I do not know why. This happens sometimes...oh what is the date?? Tomorrow is July 1st. That explains it! I'm almost due for my monthly period. That always happens near the beginning of the month and I, like so many other women, get melancholy. Phew now I can move on.

Last night the baby question came up. Madeleine asked me how a baby comes to be in a Mom's tummy. The daughter of the woman that watches Madeleine is pregnant and she is quite young and not married. I think this is where the curiosity comes from. Fortunately, we have new baby lab pups on the property and she has already learned which is a boy and which is a girl. She knows that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. So I explained the whole thing very matter of factly. Penis, vagina, sperm, egg, etc. I asked her if she understood. She shook her head no and got very quiet and laid down. 5 minutes later she jumps up and says "oh I get it - the boy puts his penis in the girls vagina, squirts something in there and the girl gets a baby from it" And voila! We finished our conversation about the birds and the bees!! She did me afterward if Claudio (she refers to her father by his name) put his penis in my vagina and I just said yes. She giggled and said oh and that was the end of it.

You see, when I was a child no one explained ANYTHING to me. The one and only conversation I had with my parents about babies or sex was when I was in 5th grade and going to one of those movies about having your period and my mother explaining what will happen when I have my period...basically reiterating what the movie already told me. I found out everything I knew from my friends, actions, or experience. My point being I'm not going to mince words with my daughter...I'm going to tell her everything like it is. I'll wait for her to ask the questions, but I'm going to tell her the truth because I believe that children can understand more than we think they can understand.

Hold on Madeleine wants to brush my hair and I certainly cannot forego that ..cause if I had my druthers I'd have someone brush my hair and touch my head for the majority of every day. She wants to play beauty parlor. :0) Am I lucky or what?

We're done and now, well it's time to get ready for our day....again.

How are you (or might you if you had children) dealing with the Birds and the Bees?

Madeleine at Five!

I haven't written all week. Madeleine and I spent the week together and I guess I just didn't feel like writing much. I was on vacation! She turned 5 a week a go and had a blast at her birthday party on the 20th as did all the kids that came. I at least wanted to post some pictures from the week even though I'm still not in writing mode.

Her Birthday Cake

All the kids want to see

Opening presents

Friends singing Happy Birthday

Happiness on her day

Sprinklers and pools

The new lab puppies

A tour of the police station (and in the back of a police car)

Her new suit and tan from our week outside

I'm definitely not a super woman

I have now been sick for 10 days. Longer than I've ever been sick. The original physician said I had a viral infection and there was pretty much nothing to do but to drink plenty of fluids and rest. He said I could take tamiflu which might shorten the length of the flu, but I chose not to do that. Yesterday after realizing that the weekend is almost here, I'm coughing up a storm, my throat is sore again, my voice is hardly recognizable I decided to go back to the doctor - finally. Unfortunately - or fortunately as the case would have it, my doctor was out of town and his assistant suggested urgent care. $15.00 for a regular visit vs. $50.00 for urgent care is quite a difference for someone like me who is in a persistent need of more money so I opted for calling another doctor.

I work in an office complex where there are 2 different doctors..but alas...neither of them were available either - they weren't in and wouldn't be in. What was up with that 3 doctors in a 1 mile radius not available on the same day..some kind of doctors convention? Anyway, finally I decided to call a doctors office where half the people I know go and wouldn't you know it ..THOSE doctors were out too!! Luckily THEY are smart enough to have a physician's assistant so I went to see her. She said it must be a bacterial infection and that I have mucous everywhere! Behind my ears, in my throat, in my chest..luckily my lungs are clear she says - no pneumonia. Good!

She gives me a med pac, anti-biotics and a prescription grade cough medicine and suggests that I go home and rest. I did not go rest - I went back to work because I am trying desperately to hold out cause next week I'm pretending to be a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) so I can spend time with Madeleine for a week before she starts kindergarten next month.

Alas, after a day of meds, I feel remarkably better. My throat doesn't hurt, while my voice still is raspy and soft the cough seems to be a little better this morning. I'm not all better, but I am significantly better than I was yesterday. Hallelujah!! (I love that word.)

Tomorrow is Madeleine's Birthday Party. Yahoo!! We are no where near ready to have a bunch of people over..but I know it will work out somehow. Lots to do today. The house is a pit. Something I desperately need help with in the long run. I just need better organizational skills and probably just more time. I am definitely NOT a super woman.

Anyway...with that I've gotta go...cause she also needs cupcakes for her school this morning. Off we go.

The Writer's Workshop

Tell us about your blogline...how long have you been blogging, when did you start, what were/are your goals for your blog, etc.

I'm a single mom and I started blogging in March of 2005. My daughter was 9 months old. I was working for Weil, Gotshal & Manges in NYC - a VERY large law firm. Little did I know what the next few months and subsequently the next few years would bring us....enough turbulence to bring down a jumbo jet.

I was fascinated by the idea of being able to write on a free space with no limits really. I wanted to write about being a single mom and what that experience is like in the real world. Of course, I'm an older single mom to boot. I had my first and only child - Madeleine Rose - when I was 42. I really thought my chances of finding a committed partner and thus a child were over and I had pretty much come to terms with that. It was a total miracle really. The world was just set up in a way that I said YES!! to this little angel when the rest of the world was telling me NO!!

I fell upon blogging. At that time it wasn't really that big yet. There were certainly a lot of people blogging, but it hadn't exploded yet. I came across Dooce one night in the middle of the night ... I don't even know how! There this site was and she was funny. Really funny. She was writing about her daughter who was just a few short months older than Madeleine. I could so identify and just felt a mommy connection to this woman who lived in Salt Lake City a world away from New York City..but I was connected.

I then just started experimenting with writing. I went through a lot of different feelings. I wanted to share myself on line...but it was also really frightening because I had no idea who or what would come back at me.

As life would have it things got pretty topsy turvy pretty quickly. I was fired from my job in June of 2005 (they kept me on until September). My daughters father called me in August of 2005 and before I knew it we were packing up, selling things and getting rid of anything and everything I owned and accumulated for most of my adult life. I was convinced all would work out with Madeleine's Dad and I didn't need to look back. Oh was I wrong! So my writing while it continued was hiccuping. I would write and stop, write and stop, write and stop. Not a good way to maintain a base of readers I found out or maintain continuity with my inner life.

All of this time I was taking care of my growing girl as well. And, I was a lone for a large portion of the time...I could call it the "adventures of Michele and Madeleine" because we certainly were on an adventure.

Fast forward to a couple of months a go. After a few years of going back and forth with the writing I decided to just go for it and write every day. I knew I would be rusty and I knew it would take me a while to find my voice and figure out what my new goal was for writing.

For now, it is just to write, find support and grow in community with other bloggers. I continue to believe my first objective is to tell my story as a single mother and to write about my daughter with the ultimate goal of having my writing for my daughter and perhaps helping others to feel that they are not so alone in the single mother world.

I'm not a young mom and I don't consider myself a "single mother by choice" so I'm in the middle some place and haven't yet found my niche. But that's ok. While my life has been turned upside down by this mothering phase of my life and there have been a lot of struggles (see past posts) I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wouldn't trade being the mother to my daughter for anything.

I definitely can be a drama queen and the stress of my life has caused many in my life to disappear...but I know deep inside that I'm ok...that we're ok and that I have a strength that a lot of people don't have. I hope this will come across here and in my writing no matter how crazy it was, is and will be.

I hope to see you here again and trust that I will have something worth while to say.

Under the River

The R train leaves the station...underground, I look around
Standing I wait listening to sounds
Are we moving?
Relief, we are

We stop, one station, two station
We head for the river...we're headed for Manhattan under the river
We stop

No, no, no....
I panic
I can't breath
I look for the entrance.....I'm in the 3rd car....doors locked

No, no, no
Breathe, breathe, breathe

I look around again
All is calm...except me
close eyes...open eyes...pace....walk
walk..walk...pace...

The train moves
slowly...then faster and faster
we enter a station..we're in Manhattan
all is well....

I can breathe....we're safe....

I made it under the river one more day

Birthday party: 4 days and counting

I'm having a birthday party for Madeleine this coming Saturday. Her birthday is not until Sunday, but given that it is Father's Day and our church day I decided that Saturday would be the better day. OK, if you haven't already gathered, I'm not much of a planner. In fact, I went to Europe 10 years a go or so and had a ticket to London and had to figure out the next 5 weeks. It was a lesson in trusting the universe and we never slept on the side of the road, in a camp ground or on a beach the entire trip. There you have my idea of planning.

I did plan Madeleine's party a bit. As with most things, I didn't really fret over it, I just let the idea come to me. Madeleine wanted to have her party at home and living in Arizona the only possibility is water or air-conditioning on a nice hot June day. Last year we had the party at the community pool and I think Madeleine had a great time. This year we don't have a community pool, so we're having a sprinkler/watermelon party. It's supposed to be in the 100's that day. At the time of the party it will be climbing into the 90's. I figure if people get hot they have options: sprinkler, kitty pool or go inside in the a/c.

We'll probably have about 10 kids or so and some parents. I figure we'll play pin the tail on the donkey and perhaps I'll get a piñata and the rest of the time the kids will run through the sprinkler and eat - watermelon, cake, pizza. I'm not worried about all of the stuff I need to do and I think perhaps I should be. But, I can't do much until Friday anyway because I have no money. OK, so Friday and Saturday morning I'm going to be stressed out of my gord, running around like a maniac or maybe I have everything covered and so that is why I'm not worried.

Madeleine has been a little obnoxious about her birthday party. Cheyenne - one of her closest friends has been banned from attending more than once. Madeleline proclaims "Cheyenne was mean to me yesterday, she isn't coming to my party and if she tries to come to my party, I'm going to kick her out"........or I asked her if one of the boys who she seems to get a long with at her church class should be invited and she said "no! only kids from my old church can come because I don't want them to know I have new friends at my new church". Oh, ok.....she has gone so far to tell me that I'm not invited if I in any way have crossed her over the last couple of weeks. I pretty much ignore her when she gets like this ...or suggest to her that she might not feel that way the day of the party and as is usually the case when she gets off her high horse she is just excited to be having a party.

I pretty much can remember every one of her birthday's which I'm happy about. This will be our third party in her five short years. We had a party at my apartment in NYC the first year, she danced in her birthday suit to her friend Javier's drum playing at my friend Julie's the second year, we had a small family gathering at Tony's house the 3rd year...party at the pool last year and voilà!

I've been bad about getting her baby book and such together and at least I have pictures of every one of her birthdays. Perhaps this will be the year I'll get it all together.

I'll keep you posted about the party. The planning part ....well that's pretty much done...its just implementing the plan which I can't do much about until Friday.

Sunrise in Arizona

Tip: Sponges

Did you know that sponges can be your most germ infested product in your home? Well, I haven't thought about it in a while - since an old roommate refused to use sponges for this very reason. Anyway as I was looking for info on colds and flu I came across a recommendation that I thought I would pass a long:

1. Always squeeze out and let your sponges dry out (the little guys can't live in a dry sponge).
2. Place you sponge on a plate of water and throw it in the microwave - and put it on for 1 or 2 minutes (If you are anti-microwave, I guess you could throw them in a big pot and boil).
3. Clean in a combo of 10%bleach/water combo
4. Soak in lemon juice

Probably most of you already know this..but I thought I'd pass it along for those who might not or don't think about it like me.

Lessons

I'm not sure why I called this post "lessons" but that is what came to mind so I'm going with it.

This has been a horrid week. Tuesday I started getting sick and I have not been the same since. I went to the doctor Wednesday morning and I'm sorry to say but I don't think he took my sickness very seriously - "a common cold" or "a slight flu" - buddy I had a 102 temp the night before - I don't think its the common cold. I know what it feels like to have the common cold - and this ain't it!! Swine Flu? Maybe...I didn't go and get the test, but it is going around. I'm on the same wavelength as those who feel it is just another flu - at least here in the U.S. - so I'm not worried YET that it will kill me.

I had a slight reprieve from my parenting duties for 24 hours. Madeleine went and stayed with Mackenzy and her mom. They have both been wanting a sleep over for quite some time and we were going to all get together for a play date this weekend so I suggested to Jen that this would be a great weekend for the sleep over and she agreed. Out of the 24 hours to myself I think I slept for 18 of them. That was all I felt like doing - sleeping.

Remember a while back I wrote about coffee - that I was done? Maybe I should call this confessions - I started up again a while back and in fact bought a coffee maker because I was sick of going to purchase a cup of coffee for 1, 2, 3, 4 dollars when it probably costs less than 5 cents a cup when I make it at home. At the time I figured if I was going to give in to my vice, I might as well do it cheaply. The reason I'm telling you this is because along with my flu or whatever it is I have had no money..not a penny..for the last 5 or 6 days. This is nothing unusual, but I make sure that I have milk and this time I didn't. I can't drink coffee without milk or 1/2 and 1/2 so I thought - I'll just give it up again! The timing couldn't have been worse. For the last 2 days and particularly yesterday when I had to pick up Madeleine my head was pounding...I mean migraine, migraine, migraine. If you have ever given up coffee you know what this headache is..and it comes with a nice bout of nausea as well. I borrowed some money yesterday and got some milk and I'm drinking a cup of coffee as we speak. One more day of this pounding and I think I might turn in the towel.

Why I continue to drink coffee when the result of taking off one day is beyond me. I'm questioning my affiliation and and my conversion to mormonism lately but I must say they have a lot of things right - including the "Word of Wisdom" which is a doctrine that states that alcohol, tobacco and drinks such as coffee are not good for the body....and we should refrain from them. In the Word of Wisdom it also states what foods and drinks are good for us. One that I find interesting is that meat should be used sparingly and only in winter. It seems to me that that particular line doesn't get much weight and I wonder why? I've never heard anyone even talk about that part.

I've wanted to give up coffee since I quit smoking at 29. I've given it up many times only to go back to it again. The countless times I have dealt with this headache is beyond me because each time it is so painful and I want to die. Perhaps the lesson is give it up girl - for good! Perhaps I am a masochist.

Have you given up coffee? Have you dealt with this excruciating pain? If you did give it up, did you do it for good? And if so what did you do when that craving..that craving for the pulse of life that comes through you when you take that sip?

Anyway back to being sick. I now have laryngitis. Madeleine has been so worried whether or not I will still be able to take care of her when I'm sick. And now with my voice spiraling on the verge of extinction - for the moment - it has further convinced her that I will not be able to take care of her. Truthfully, I want someone to take care of me and I don't want to take care of her right now...but take care of her I will.

And with that I need to make Madeleine her breakfast and put a smile on my face and try to convince her that I will always to the best of my ability take care of her no matter what.

Dear Other Half

Dear Other Half,

Get A Maid!!

With much love,

Lazy me

Dear Lazy Me

Dear Lazy Me,

You've been in charge around the house almost since we moved in here. What's the deal girl? The dishes are piled to the ceiling and with the dish washer broken its going to take us 2 hours to clean those suckers.

There is laundry everywhere!! The living room, our room, bathrooms, Madeleine's room. I can't even tell whether it is clean or dirty!!

The litter box needed to be changed days a go,
the floor needs to be mopped,
the poop needs to be picked up in the yard,
pictures and other decor need be hung.
We haven't been able to eat on our kitchen table almost since we got it
There is desert dust everywhere because you haven't dusted in weeks.

Please, get it together and put some fuel under that bum of yours.

Kindly,

Your other half

Ugh - sick

Being sick has to be the worst part of being a single Mom cause there is no one there to take care of you and there is no break.......

American Female Journalists doing 12 years hard labor in North Korea

American Female Journalists doing 12 years hard labor in North Korea. Please sign petition.

The Incredible Journey

Madeleine and I watched Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey tonight. I have to admit it was on Disney - the channel I just complained about yesterday.

Anyway, Madeleine was beside herself each and every time the animals got separated or one of them got hurt --- I mean hysterical. I've never seen her quite like this while watching a movie...but I saw a very, very sensitive side to my little angel. All I could do was hold her and answer her questions and let her know that all the animals were going to be o.k. and were going to make it back home all together and all in one piece. She wasn't convinced so we had to watch the whole thing so she knew they were going to be ok.

After the movie ended she was suddenly and without warning crying profusly again and through all of her tears she said "I MISS MAGGIE!!". She was like this for at least a 1/2 hour. For those who don't know who Maggie is, she is my old roommate Tony's dog and we took her in after Tony passed away and took care of her until his parents came down to Arizona from Iowa to retrieve her among other things.

While I miss Maggie too, I think she is missing everything that Maggie represented too. She misses the little family we had before Tony got sick. I do too. She must have had all kinds of feelings about this today because long before the movie tonight, she mentioned that she wished we could move back to Tony's house....and then suddenly she said she wants to move back to New York where her other cousins and her grandmother live. Unfortunately she has a lot of fantasies about what a grandmother is and my step-mother can't offer her the things she has lodged in her mind about a grandmother. This all came out in the car coming home from school yesterday.

As a mother I don't want her to have any pain or disappointment or have her fantasy bubble burst. But alas, this is a part of life, isnt' it? We've already had enough change in her 5 year old life...much more than many other 5 year olds. But then, there is God:

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart,and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

She will be ok, I will be ok....I just have to keep my mind focused on the right things and guide her in this direction so that she will reach out to God and find strength there when pain and disappointment come into her life. Because it will and there is nothing I can do about that. I'm reminded of poem I love by Kalil Gibran:

"your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable."

This is the incredible journey of each and every parent - to be the bow so the arrow can fly. Although in many ways we haven't had a stable bow..I've been a stable bow and as a single mom, I think I'm doing a pretty good darn job even though sometimes it doesn't feel like I am.

My soon to be 5 year old

I took these pictures this evening for my friend Shana who lives in NY. She was a part of Madeleine's life when she was younger and we lived in NY. We were talking on the phone and she asked me to send pictures...so I did. I have always loved her love of Madeleine. Shana I think makes every child feel special..but she makes me feel like Madeleine is special and I love it.

Madeleine will be 5 on Father's Day. I'm not happy that her birthday is on Father's Day because her father is no where to be found, but I am happy that her birthday is on the official first day of Summer and that my little girl is going to be another year older...and how lucky am I that hse is my daughter?? I am so blessed to have this little girl in my life. Anyway I've decide we are going to have a small party at the house for her - a "Watermelon and Sprinkler" party. Madeleine said she wanted her party at home and so we are. She really is growing up too.

I was thinking of how all the Noggin shows no longer appeal to her. Instead she wants to watch things like Scooby Doo, Growing up Creepy and a show called 29 Down which is on the Discovery Kids Channel. I don't mind her watching that show and honestly I would rather her watch those shows than Hannah Montana. I don't know why...but I just have a hard time with all of those Disney shows...they just don't work for me.

Today - our church day - she was watching regular T.V. and I ended up turning it off and telling her she could watch a church D.V.D. but I wasn't going to let her watch regular T.V. today. She griped at first, but then she seemd perfectly ok with it and said she wanted to watch more when she got home from church. I was pleasantly surprised. On that note she griped again about going to church, but she always seems so happy when we get out...so it can't be all that bad.

I saw the Bishop this week. He said some things that stuck with me. One of them was about Madeleine and prayer. We go back and forth, back and forth about prayer. The Bishop asked me what our morning routine was and I told him and never did I mention prayer. He gave me a challenge - add prayer to our morning routine and our lives will change. Darn.. I need to be reminded all of the time. Well, wouldn't you guess, she griped about that too, but when I do it, she wants to say the prayer. If I say the prayer she wants to add to the prayer. She wants to pray!! I need to hear that and I need to make more of an effort for the both of us to do it every day.

I hadn't been to church in two weeks. The first w/e we were in San Diego and last w/e we needed to chill. But like the salt water that I wanted to smell forever when we went to San Diego, I wanted to take in church.. I wanted to drink and savor and eat what it gave me. I listened intently to every person, every child, every teacher. I love church!! I need church!! I need to be filled spiritually, however that looks. Today seemed to be all about the Holy Ghost.. my favorite subject because I get the Holy Ghost. I really do. I understand what that means and have for a very long time I understand what that feeling is inside and I hear its voice when I choose to listen.

Madeleine and I also spent time feeding the chickens lettuce, the cows and horses carrots and we spent time with the 9 new puppies that are about 3 weeks old. They aren't walking yet, but Bonnie Lee said that her peace is about up. They are starting to walk and get around and the trouble is about to begin. We are so lucky to have all of these animals around.

We also ran in the sprinkler this morning, washed Jack and I made spaghetti sauce. It didn't feel like a busy day, but it certainly sounds like a busy day.

Madeleine has fallen asleep and I'm ready to fall asleep..so that's it for today. I probably wouldn't have writeen anything, except for my mission to write once a day.

Later....

Unexpected Gifts

Over the last couple of days I have received two unexpected gifts from friends. I spoke of my very cracked and dry heals on my blog post about San Diego and Donna sent me some intensive skin cream that is wonderful!! Smells great, goes on easy, and makes my skin "smooth as silk"...lol. In any case if you are looking for some great intensive cream that is for healing really bad dry skin you might want to try it: "Renew, Intensive Skin Therapy" by a company called Melaleuca. I've only been using a few days and while my cracked heals are not completely restored, the dry skin on my calves is healed. Thank you Donna, I will be getting more.

Donna is a friend from the Pathwork. My first memory of Donna is in the dining room at the Pathwork Center in Phoenicia, New York. Her beautiful photos were displayed on the walls there and my only thought was that she was an awesome photographer. I came to know Donna through my many years there. Because of the intensity of the work and the vulnerability you share with the people at the Pathwork, you become like family. I could probably call anyone in the Pathwork that I knew from those years of my life and feel a sense of belonging and knowing.

Donna is also a wise soul. I remember a lecture presentation she gave at the center in the City about meditation. She just was so eloquent and meditation became something I decided should be easier than I made them. The jist was ...just do it...1/2 hour everyday. Don't think about it...just do it.

Donna has kept up with me since I've moved to Arizona. I feel a sisterly caring from her and I am grateful.

The second gift was from Timothy. I've known Timothy for almost 20 years. We met on the Upper West Side. He was a doctoral engineering student at Columbia University, I was a part-time political science student at CUNY - Hunter College. We met through mutual friends and hit if off. At the time, I was getting over the break-up of my relationship with Joe -- my live-in boyfriend at the time.

Timothy left New York many years a go and now lives in Bangalore, India with his wife - Loreli. Loreli happens to be from the same town my real mother grew up in - Bowling Green, Ohio. We discovered this when one day I went to her apartment and she had a jewelry box that was exactly the same jewelry box I had gotten from my grandmother's house after she died. We started talking about where we got the boxes from and voilà we discovered the Bowling Green connection.

Timothy works for Dell and has some incredibly important position as a senior engineer. He comes to the States about once a year to have meetings with and work with the Dell people here. He was in Austin a couple of weeks a go and we spoke on the phone a couple of times. Weirdly it was familiar and felt calming to speak with him and we haven't spoken on the phone since my daughter was born.

The memories I have of Timothy are rich. I feel like he's been a guardian angel and he's shown up at times when I needed a friend the most

Some of my memories just off the top of my head: on the day of the first World Trade Center bombing Timothy helped me move 100th and Columbus to W. 79th Street. My specific memory is of him driving the U-Haul with my cat - Mr. Beau Jangles. Perhaps because he was responsible for that cat in my life!

With a lot of fear of being responsible for an animal, but with a desire in my heart..I wanted a cat! Timothy had two and loved them dearly. With a lot of support from him I finally got Beau Jangles. I've got to say -- I loved Beau Jangles..but that cat was the most needy animal I could ever have taken care of. Beau Jangles was found by a technician in a plastic bag in Riverside Park in the middle of a tropical storm with all of his litter mates. They were only 2 weeks old and had to be nursed to health. I believe many of Beau's problems were due to his being taken from his mother so young. In the last 4 years of his life he had diabetes..and I was giving him shots of insulin 2x a day. Alas he lived for 14 years....and I could write an entire post about Beau Jangles.

One of my most favorite memories is a night that we were on Fire Island with a bunch of people, including my niece Michele - who then was only about 11. We were staying in Fair Harbour but we had all gone to Ocean Beach for dinner. I really needed to get Michele back to the house and Timothy wanted to go back also. We decided to walk the the 2 miles down the beach. What I remember is the laughter from Michele. I don't even remember the conversation but Timothy pretty much had Michele giggling all the way back to the house.

Timothy was also responsible for my reading The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe..not yet a movie and brought me back in touch with Pooh. He said I reminded him of Tigger...bouncy, I guess. I never understood quite why, but Timothy got a kick out of me. Since I had a hard time getting a kick out of myself it was curious and intriguing to me.

I have other memories of Timothy too - he once soldered together an incredible geometric shape that looked like a star with tiny pieces of metal. I was so impressed by that and kept it until just a couple of months a go when it was destroyed in our move.

Timothy had a knack for always calling when I needed to talk with someone. He would call and in his slightly Indian accented English would say "how are you Michele" and many times when he called I needed to hear that. The last call I had with him before his stint in Austin was, as I said earlier, right after Madeleine's birth. In fact, I was in the car with a mutual friend Wendy who had picked me up from the hospital to bring me home. Now, Timothy knew I was having a baby..but he didn't know exactly when, he didn't know exactly where and he certainly didn't know when I was going home and he certainly didn't know that Wendy was taking me home from the hospital! But lo and behold we are in the car going back to my apartment and the phone rings....and it is Timothy - all the way from Bangalore!! When I say we had a soul connection, I actually mean that Timothy has been one of my guardian angels in life. I have no other way to explain how Timothy's presence in my life. Have you had these types of people in your life? Please tell.

When Timothy and I were speaking while he was in Austin, he asked for my address and I thought he wanted to put it in his address book (or send me a million dollars?). Alas...last night I came home to a package at my front door. The package contained the most beautiful silk scarf!! Timothy must have remembered that when I lived in New York I wore a lot of scarves. In fact, the scarves defined my style in some way because I wore them so often.

In the end though, the gifts are not the tangible things that I received in the mail, but the memories of those people who gave me those gifts. I have a lot of those...a lot of memories of beautiful people in my life who I've interacted with in one way or another over the years. So when I receive something from someone that's what comes up for me...the unexpected gift of remembering the beauty and richness of my relationships over the years and all of that is embedded in the gift and I am forever grateful.

Cymbalta and me

A while back (about a year a go) I wrote about going off Lexapro. I'm not sure I ever finished that story, but I've pretty much been on antidepressants of one form or another since I had a major breakdown at my friend Patience home and couldn't stop crying a couple of weeks after coming back from Florida and realizing that Madeleine father would not be a part of lives as my fantasy would have had it. I've struggled with the idea of antidepressants for a long time. I've felt like they have been a necessary evil in my life to keep me on an even keel since "our lives fell a part". It hasn't been all bad and so saying that our "lives fell a part isnt' necessarily how I want to look at the last almost 3 1/2 years because there have been so many wonderful moments over the last few years.

BUT....I've experienced a lot of stress in ways that I've found hard to handle without the equalizing effects of an antidepressant. But God, World, Universe, people, I want off these dang things!! Cymbalta in particular has been a little scarey for me. I think it has done wonders for me in many ways but, as Lexapro did as well, it takes away my creativity and leaves me almost too balanced. I also think that they are a big part of my weight and my inability to get it off. Maybe that is an excuse but that is how it seems when I look back on my history of antidepressants.

Maybe I shouldn't be thinking of coming off of them now, but I don't like them. My problem always comes back to the anger. Antidepressants seems to subdue that part of myself that is filled with anger and it comes out like a vengance when I try to go off the antidepressants. I wish I had an answer to that. I can pray, pray, pray. I can ask for repentence. When it is happening I hate myself for it. I turn on a dime and and go from being angry to normal and back in seconds. I don't want to do that to Madeleine and I know she has already been effected by it.

This all comes up today because I forgot to take my medication for 2 days. Always on the third day I start feeling woozy, dizzy and downright weird. More so than coming off of Lexpro or Prozac or Celexa (the other three I've been on over the years). It scares me and I don't like it. I almost feel like I'm "hooked" on them. I of course took my medicine as prescribed today because I can't really function when I feel that way.

I like myself better when I'm off of them...life excites me more....senses are more vibrant and alive..but the anger thing...I've gotta get help with that cause it isn't pretty.

For the moment, Cindy is standing outside the back door playing with my slipper like its her toy, Madeleine is making another project, Jack is wandering around the house trying to figure out what to do with himself and April is off out someplace - sniffing.

I'm off here to go take a shower and get us out of the house early to take Madeleine out to breakfast...a treat we can't always afford.

I don't know where I'm going right now...but this is where I am.

Three Questions

Go to Mama Kat's Losin It to see the other questions

1.) If you could cut back on something in your life that takes up your time what would it be? And what would you prefer to spend that time doing?

If I could cut back on something in my life that takes up my time it would be working at my day job. If I had it my way I'd work 2 days a week and spend more time having fun with Madeleine. I'd also like to spend less time watching television and especially my proclivity to watch crime shows like Law & Order, Cold Case and Without a Trace. I would also use the time gardening, reading scriptures and getting closer to God.

3.) Describe a memorable gift. Why was it important to you?

Madeleine - need I say more?

4.) If you could change career paths now and be anything you wanted to be...what would you be and why? If I could change career paths now I would be one of the following:

A nurse: giving service, doing something for others. I know also that this would transform into other things because I can't help but go to mutate. Ultimately I'd be a successful healer.

A foreign diplomat: I'm forever curious about other nations, other faiths, people with different backgrounds who I can learn from

A research and photojournalist: I'd be thrilled to be sent all over the world with a subject that requires research and insight and come back with the truth. I'd also love to be a Barbara Walters....or Diane Sawyer

A meteorologist: what can I say, I love the weather? It's unpredictable and it is untamable, filled with mystery that we still don't understand.

A landscape architect: when I lived in New York City my favorite place was Central Park...a genius design!!

A hair designer: I can't say I have any skill or artistry in this area, but I love to cut hair!!

Living within our Means

A couple of weeks a go I was sitting in church listening to one of the Stake's High Counselors talk about people "living within their means". He was talking from personal experience about a house that he and his wife had decided to build. Within a couple of months of moving in they realized that they had made a mistake and they couldn't afford to live there. With great disappointment they sold the house and moved elsewhere.

At the time I moved to my beautiful little house on the ranch it seemed perfect. I was living in a 10x10 room in a house with a roommate who had become a full fledged alcoholic and who refused to leave the living room and thus I just was ready for our own space and one that had enough room for Madeleine, myself our 2 dogs and grumpy old cat. I really didn't stop to think about the consequences of paying almost $425.00 more in rent and utilities....I was just going to make it work.

Alas 4 months later I'm finding myself struggling beyond what I thought possible. My next check is coming in and after paying rent and daycare there is no money for anything else. No money for gas and no money for food and no money for anything else. I have borrowed money over the last 4 months, asked friends and family to help me with gas and took advantage of the Bishop's Storehouse for food. I'm not making ends meet and I'm certainly not living within my means.

There really are only two choices here: increase my income or lower my expenses. I'm looking for ways to increase my income but I can only, at this point, lower my expenses. This requir6es two choices: get a roommate or move to a less expensive living space.

I have put it out there that I'm looking for a roommate, and I'm looking at other places to live. To my surprise my credit must not be as bad as I thought because I was approved for an apartment after filling out an application there. I only have to give a 1/2 months rent deposit should I decide to move in there.

I've also been speaking with Mackenzy's Mom. There's a 2 bedroom apartment there for rent that is $200.00 less a month. The good news is that Madeleine would have a friend close. The complex is small and older. It has a nice pool and courtyard and the people that live there seem nice enough. The other thing is that while it is unlikely that I could put Madeleine in Eduprize in Queen Creek, the elementary school there (there is Mesa) is more established and offers a better education than the public school here in Pinal County meaning that I would also save $540.00 in daycare expense.

$740.00 extra dollars in my life would certainly help me.

My other thoughts about this are personal rather than financial. I have been living in an area that is pretty much couples. I've thought about what it would be like to live in an area where the population isn't so homogenous. The people who live in this apartment complex are single, divorced, separated and married. There are single parents and people who have come back from the brink (like me). I'm thinking that this might be a better environment for us. I need community. I'm thinking maybe we will feel more a part of rather than feeling like an outsider and somehow defective.

ALSO, we will be closer to civilization. Closer to museums, closer to events in Tempe, Scottsdale and Phoenix, closer ............................

The commute? My commute will increase from a 15 minute commute to about a 30-40 minute commute. Really not all that bad.

Yes, yes, yes...we've loved it here. But maybe it is time to move on. Maybe it is time to try a different part of this town.

I guess staying here will give Madeleine stability....but you know the only sure thing in life is change...

I need to apologize to Mama's Losin It. I'm number 7 on a list of people who she asked to share about their bachelorette stories so that she could have her faith restored in the show. I thought she was asking who would participate in her weekly essay requests. I don't watch the bachelorette and so I can't offer anything. If someone else can and put it in the comments that would be great cause then I won't feel like such a fraud.

1 new calf and 9 new puppies...

There are 10 new babies at the farm! One calf - born last Sunday and 9 new puppies - born a couple of weeks a go!! This is one of many fun episodes of living here.