Allegra Posts for Rose

October 2011

2011-10-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

Mom & Madeleine October, 2011

Present and Engaged

2011-04-19T02:06:00.001-07:00

Well, Spring is here and in the desert valley of Arizona that means temperatures ascending into the 90's during the day. Nights are still pleasant. I'll enjoy until July and then all you can do is go swimming or stay inside until September. The best thing to do is leave for those 2 months.

Madeleine is just about finished with 1st grade! A month to go or so and that is it. I'm seeing how fast childhood goes. I went to church for the first time in a couple of months this past Sunday and I was remembering when I first started going to the LDS Church - Madeleine was just 2 years old and soon she will be 7. In the same amount of time she has been on the earth she will be a teenager (aaaaahhhhh! - I'll deal with that when I get there).

As you can imagine - she is a different kid than she was when she started 1st grade. She is more outspoken, more interested in and aware of the outside world than I have ever seen her, more questioning of EVERYTHING. Her athletic prowess is blossoming as I knew it would and her ability to see how things are connected is growing as is her inquisitiveness about how things are connected is also growing.

I'm loving this age..truly...and at the same time as a single mom I worry that I can't fully be there with all that is happening.

Case in point: I came home yesterday exhausted. Madeleine was totally exuberant. I could not take her in. I wanted to, but it was as if we were on two different planets. I could not get out of myself, out of my doldrums and match her enthusiasm. I felt disappointed in myself. I felt disappointed that I'm wanting one thing with my daughter, but doing quite the opposite. I wanted to be engaged with her but I was anything but.

I must point out that I am nearly 50. In August I hit that half century mark. I'm not all that connected to the age but hey..it is a long time! And I feel old. My worry with Madeleine extends out to the fact that I am an older Mom as well as a single Mom. My body feels the wear and tear of my age. I keep saying "I need to get back to the gym"....I keep saying "I need to lose this extra weight"....both of which are desires which seem hard for me to achieve. I want to be a strong, in shape, healthy 50 year old so that I can at least try and keep up with this child who I love dearly and who needs me to be here, present and engaged. Dear Heavenly Father, please help me!

As a friend pointed out: we really have no choice...we either give up or move forward and giving up isn't an option. So keep moving forward!

November?

2010-11-02T13:12:00.000-07:00

Sad Face :(; Happy Face :)

Well, September and October have come and gone and we're working on November. I've been so busy trying to keep up with my work schedule and Madeleine that writing has become a thing of the past at the moment. We're doing well. I'm working on creating some goals for our future. And I guess I'm in a state of inner contemplation. For now, it's short and sweet.

Short update

2010-09-07T08:34:00.001-07:00

I'm a Great Aunt to Scarlet! Pictures to follow.

I think I want to go back to school. Graduate School.

I need to find a new job.

Madeleine is enjoying 1st Grade. Pictures to follow too. Miss her. We never have the same days off. This will change when I find a new job.

September again...

2010-09-01T22:58:00.000-07:00

Awaiting to be a Great Aunt. Madeleine is in 1st Grade. Not a lot of words these days..........................

Today is my Birthday

2010-08-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

Today is my 49th Birthday. Still feeling emotionally 20 something, but yes, I'm 49.

July 2010

2010-07-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning in total anxiety and fear about our life right now. How easily it is to forget. How easily to live a slippery slide existence not connected. I must overcome what it is I am going through. I must look past all that has happened recently and REMEMBER that we are both children of God - a God who loves both Madeleine and I. I need a new vision....a new vision.....and I must let go of this little mind that keeps me stifled and in pain. Must, must, must.

I Needed Some Green in my Life

2010-06-26T05:35:00.000-07:00

OK, so I changed my blog profile again. Madeleine is now 6...the pink was getting to me and GREEN seemed like the new pink. I'm missing the GREEN of summer in the northeast as my 4th HOT Arizona summer is upon us.

I miss watermelon in the backyard, summer storms, the beach, the pool after the beach, my Dad, Central Park, my family and friends left back east.........................but lately I'm missing a sea of green.

So I guess my new format reflects that.

Madeleine and Ellie and work..oh my! Madeleine and Ellie and work...oh my!

2010-06-15T08:45:00.002-07:00

Madeleine will be 6 next week! Whoa! We are adjusting to apartment life and work life. Madeleine is busy. She is staying with friends while I work and I think she is having a blast. It has never been so much fun for Mommy to be at work. She is swimming, playing, taking part in a variety show, having dinners with whole families, enjoying friends, watching movies and much, much more. What a life! I think it is good for her to see what it is like to be in a big family so it is awesome.

Today I walked Ellie. She is my 89 pound moose dog if you are not familiar with her. After leaving The Farm (this is how I'm choosing to refer to the beautiful place we lived for a little over a year) we have had a huge, huge adjustment with her having total freedom to run and roam to being confined to an apartment and led on a leash. Oh right...at the moment I am not leading Ellie, she is leading me. This much change. I can no longer get pulled down the street by her or I am going to lose my mind and my knees. I have to cut her some slack because she is still a puppy.

Well training began today for Ellie and me. No more pulling. A contained dog is a happy dog? I have to contain her so that I can keep my sanity. She did well. She is very smart and picks up on things quickly. I'm following a couple of examples of training on line and she IS responding! I actually managed to go for an almost 2 mile walk without getting my sockets pulled out of my shoulder. I found it to be challenge and focus which felt good. I didn't think of training her until a couple of days a go but that is where we are at.

Work is well...work. The only satisfaction really is if I get a sale...it is travel, but it is a call center so it's new to me really. I don't anticipate staying here forever but for now it is keeping us afloat. I like the people, its getting me back in the work world, but I feel like I'm back in the hotel business when I worked weird hours and could never get out of work on time. I do like being in a large environment where there are lots of people with whom to know and interact. Such a difference from my last job where I sat by myself in an office most of the time. The activity around me energizes me. Something to know about myself as I look for other work that will accommodate Madeleine and I when she goes back to school. I'd love to work on my own somehow but truly I think I have some limitations in that area because I haven't been able to make that happen.

My sister has moved from Arizona..another adjustment in our lives. We came here to be near her and her family and now she is gone. Perhaps this is just the way it is supposed to be. I had some deep, deep sadness about it and feel kind of unfocused without her here...I have always wanted family around and it has always alluded me. Perhaps one of the many reasons I joined the LDS Church. So much about family....family....family. I still have no desire or plan to leave Arizona at the moment. As much as I miss New York, I don't have any desire to move back there. I have a deep desire to visit there on a regular basis and see old friends, but moving doesn't feel like the right move for me.

I have off the next couple of days from work and I am so ready for it.

I've picked up on the "Glee" movement and rented the video with the first season. Its making me laugh and is a much needed diversion in my always stressful life these days. I don't have much planned for my days off just Glee, cleaning, naps and time with Madeleine and Ellie.

I've banned television from our home for the moment for financial reasons but also because I hate commercials and don't want them in the house (but they are OK for you on my blog...lol). I'm having a bit of withdrawal though since without even realizing it TV was a bigger part of my life then I'd like to admit. Mostly late at night when I'm up in the middle of the night - my criminal shows - "Law and Order - Criminal Intent" and the like. I miss channel surfing, CNN, Animal Planet and even commercial stations...but I also am glad that I have Madeleine's television and movie watching more contained and she is not getting bombarded by our commercial world.

That's a wrap! Until next time.

I Found God in an Advertising Agency?

2010-06-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

I made it though my first weekend at work. I realized I'm really competitive. Well, I knew that but it only comes out in certain places and this is a place I'm feeling my competitive spirit. I want to win! I want to be the best sales person there. I want to be the best. And..well...I'm not. And I don't like it!! There is a woman I started with who is kicking butt. We had to make 30 bookings by the end of the month to make any commission at all. I did not. She did. I'm not happy. I say this all partially laughing at my attitude and partially really feeling frustrated inside. I'm ready to go out and buy every sales training book on the planet cause I want to be better than her. I haven't felt this way since my sports team days. I know it is the product of being the youngest in my family and never being able to win by the shear fact that I was smaller and in some ways it is a great thing but in other ways it can cause a lot of unnecessary frustration and grief.

She is also thin, beautiful, married and probably 10 years younger than I making me jealous and/or envious which is not a good quality. So I'm telling myself these are the reasons she is doing so well cause she has confidence and people love her and she is happy making it easier to sell. She says it is the luck of the draw...well then what's up with that I say ...why aren't I getting the lucky calls?

I'm very hard on myself. I use everything to beat myself up. And, none of it looks very pretty in the outside world.

I know some people will agree with me and some won't know what I'm talking about but there is a spiritual element to everything we do. This job is no exception. I know that if I was right with my Heavenly Father this situation might be different. So my job is not necessarily to read all the sales books I can get my hands on necessarily but to create a more right relationship with my Heavenly Father, God, The Universe...whichever way you want to look at it.

I think sometimes "I can NEVER get away with anything" ! I feel like some people get away with being less than or not knowing or cheating. Every time I do there is an almost immediate consequence. The Lord is always there to teach a new spiritual lesson - even at work. And sometimes The Lord has a sense of humor that I'm not always happy about either.

I don't know if these stories are related but I didn't know some information over the last couple of days that I should have known from training. I fumbled my way through a call, I learned all that I should have remembered from training and got off the phone feeling like an idiot. Well wouldn't you know that in both instances someone with the same issue called back 3 or 4 minutes later with the same issue for me to deal with again and since I just had the call a few minutes prior I got through the next call a little easier. Now, as I'm writing this I'm thinking perhaps these were shoppers hired by my company to test us newbies or Heavenly Father wanted to make sure I got it. Not sure which.

In any event, there was a time when I worked for an advertising company around the same time that I started 12-step programs way back in the early 90's. I remember thinking about wanting to write a book with the title "I found God in an Advertising Agency" cause my work was a practice field as far as my spiritual growth. I want to take that same attitude with me here and grow whether I'm here for a month or a year. There is food or thought and knowledge and growth here and I'm going to take it in that vain. There probably is more to this story I need to tell..but as always don't hold your breath.

The Beginning of Something

2010-05-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

Since I last wrote I managed to get all the boxes unpacked. Yahoo!! Unfortunately there is still work to do. Primarily in Madeleine's room. So much stuff, so little room. I thought I did a good job of purging before we moved but it looks like I didn't get rid of enough.

We're into our summer schedule now that Madeleine has finished her first year of school. We had a really nice day on her promotion day and now we are here in summer figuring out how to coordinate our time since I am working weird hours including weekends for the first time in about 10 years. We have some friends helping us. My sister is in the midst of packing and she and her family will be moving back to the east coast next week. I can't even go there. I came to the west coast to be near family - specifically my sister's family - and now they are leaving. A story for another time. Here is a picture of Mom and Madeleine on her promotion day:

Anyway, since my sister is moving she can't really help out with this new schedule so some friends offered to help. Of course I realize this can't go on forever but for now we're ok. Honestly I think my biggest problem is she is spending time with families with many more kids than at home and she is having a blast....makes it hard to come home to our little apartment and just Mom when you are at an age where all you want to do is play for the most part. When I tell her it is time to go home when I go to pick her up she often tries to delay it and will say "it just isn't fair" (a line I think she picked up from watching "7th Heaven"). Hurts me a little and I hope she doesn't feel like an outsider for the rest of her life since she always has to leave these bigger families and come home. I do though want her to have the experience of being in a larger family so she can know what it is like to have mother, father and sisters and brothers...so as I've picked up this saying lately - "it is what it is".

As far as Ellie, our moose dog, goes it has been somewhat of a challenge taking care of her. I spend far more time taking of her now than I did on the horse property. There I could just let her out. Here we are going on walks and going to the dog park and playing. I can't imagine what it is like for her being in this apartment all day. Since I feel extremely guilty so much of my free time is spent on getting her out of doors. Perhaps I am getting more exercise than I would normally but it does often take time away from other things I need to do. But if we going to keep her I see no other way.

I even bought her a kiddie pool and keep it on our patio where she can go out and wade in it during the day should she feel the need. We'll have to see how this all goes...but for now we are keeping her.

I miss our beautiful space on the horse property and it even pains me to look at the pictures but I believe we are where we are supposed to be and I believe this is the beginning of a new journey for us. I haven't put all the pieces together as to where we are going, but it is the first place we've lived in Arizona totally on our own. It is the beginning of something, I just don't know quite what yet.

Boxes, boxes everywhere......

2010-05-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

Well, now that we are on the other side I can breathe just a bit. We moved into our apartment a couple of weeks a go. I have to say that the members of my Ward were awesome in helping me get from point A to point B. Some women friends came over the night before I moved and helped me pack boxes. I had a few already packed from my own efforts and from help the previous weekend from my friend Nancy. I remembered someone telling me that the guys really like EVERYTHING in boxes so I did my best to make this happen.

The following morning (a Saturday) no less than 10 men were there to help us move. We made the move from the house to the apartment in under two hours. That is: loading boxes, unloading boxes and arranging large pieces of furniture. I think that is how life is supposed to be....people helping people and making the load much lighter than it might have been if the person did it on their own. Imagine what that process would have been like had I recruited a couple of friends and one truck. It would have taken the entire day. Instead it took less than two hours. What an incredible gift. These men obviously had done a few moves also..cause they worked like a well oiled machine.

One of the men whom I consider a friend, his son and a gentleman who is staying at their house for a bit stayed to help me with a couple of other things and they were on their way. I was left to unpack.

It has been nearly two weeks since we moved now. The move took place a week after I started my new job. Obviously I don't have much time to unpack. That first day I got the essentials out - kitchen stuff, our clothes, bathroom stuff. Since then I've had little time or have been too exhausted to do much else so we live among boxes....

I will have to write this story in pieces as I don't have much time. Today is Madeleine's promotion from Kindergarten! We are very excited. I have to get ready for her big day. I managed to get the day off from work so I can spend the time with her - although I realized that she is going to be at school most of the day after making that choice...but I could use the time off anyway. So this will have to be a "to be continued" story. Until then...................

But there is always this

2010-05-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

While the world rearranges itself around us, there is always this:

And all seems o.k.

I'm not sure...

2010-04-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure I have ever felt as utterly alone and family-less as I do these days..... But it is what it is, huh?

Our Ever Changing Lives

2010-04-21T04:29:00.001-07:00

I don't think any of us go through life without change of some sort or another on a regular basis. It seems the minute we get comfortable God lays out a new plan or us or at least that is how my life seems to go.

Finding out that we lost our living situation a few weeks a go put me on high alert and right into the fast lane by the shear panic I felt at the thought of ultimately living in our car or motel or some public housing facility that would put our lives in danger. Yet, the situations before us have not been particularly appealing and the one that felt right required us to move twice. First renting a room for a month in a friend's home and then into a shared housing situation in an area of town I'm neither particularly familiar with or particularly fond of for Madeleine or myself. Our stuff would be put in storage and our animals ...well who knows.

I have been spending a lot of time at the gym: swimming, moving on the elliptical machine (don't know what else to call it...you aren't running and you aren't walking so moving seems to be the only possible word in my limited vocabulary), walking on the tread mill. I used to be a runner when I actually could use my legs for that purpose. They no longer work in that way. I used running as a way to meditate and get my frustrations out and to stay even-keeled. These other gym activities and especially swimming have taken running's place now that I'm back at using my body physically.

Last Thursday afternoon I was swimming and in the middle of the swim I heard "you've just got to find a job ASAP and then find an apartment you can afford." It forced me up out of the water and into action.

First, I let go of all my pride and called the first boss I had in Arizona to see if he had any work available. He is not easy to get along with but I made it through the year I said I would stay with him unscathed and despite the difficulties I had getting along with him we've remained in friendly contact. He said he was overwhelmingly busy and would call me back. I didn't hold my breath.

I vowed to go a job expo that my church was holding that Saturday. I found someone to watch Madeleine and was on my way. Little did I know that a company that someone mentioned a week prior would be the first company I talked with when I walked in the conference room door where the expo was being held! I gave them my resume, spoke with the recruiter for a few minutes and she said "I'll give you a call on Monday".

On Monday morning I decided to go the gym but a series of events left me home and I got the call around 11:00am. I wouldn't have gotten that call had I gone to the gym. She scheduled me in for first thing Tuesday morning and after a "panel" interview (I thought it would be 5 people or so ..it was 2), 3 assessment tests and a drug test by Tuesday afternoon I had a job offer. I still have to pass a background check and given a go from that I start Monday morning. Yahoo!

Funny enough my old boss did call me back to talk to me about coming back Tuesday afternoon after I already accepted the offer from the other company. Funny how our Heavenly Father works, isn't it?

Not so fast though.....now that I have a job...a shift job (I could work anywhere between 5am and 9pm) I have a whole slew of new challenges to overcome. One day at a time as they say. I work the first 3 weeks from 7:30am until 4:00pm. During that time Madeleine will still be in school so I have it covered. A friend will take care of her for an hour in the morning and she will go to the after school program (I'm not happy about this) in the afternoon. Then what? who knows??

As far as the housing situation goes I went to a low income apartment complex immediately after all the work hoopla was over and before an MRI was scheduled for my knees. They just happened to have a 2 bedroom apartment available that day because someone who was supposed to move in couldn't because it was found out that they made more than the income threshold there allows. I'll be handing over a check tomorrow to hold the apartment and pass the application process and if all goes as planned we will be moving at the end of next week.

I've gotta keep the faith.

As far as the MRI goes - after waiting for an approval for almost 5 years - I finally got it. Being claustrophobic, I asked for an open MRI center. I went on to the open MRI machine .. they started rolling me into position and I screamed "I can't do it!". I'll go back ...on a calmer day and when I am mildly sedated. Given the new job I'm probably going to have to wait 6 months.

Keeping the faith.

Our Cowboy Life

2010-04-19T15:21:00.000-07:00

We went to a "foot" rodeo sponsored by our church this past weekend. Lots of food and games for the kids including running after calves and chickens (Madeleine and I were not too keen about this) and a three legged race. Here is Madeleine swinging on a tire swing and some other pictures as well.

Sweet Pea

2010-04-09T15:48:00.003-07:00

Madeleine Rose - 15 weeks
Originally uploaded by AllegrasRose

This is a picture of Madeleine when she was less than four months old. I had to hold her up cause she couldn't quite do it herself yet. Sweet girl.

RIP Jack Man - 4/6/2010

2010-04-06T12:09:00.001-07:00

Jack Man
Originally uploaded by AllegrasRose

RIP Jack. I had to put Jack to sleep today. I've been planning it for a while. He just hasn't been doing well and with the impending move it was something I had to do. This is how I want to remember him...alert ....ready to catch a ball. This is when he was the happiest.

We love you Jack and you will be missed.

Mama

What? What? What?

2010-04-06T05:44:00.000-07:00

What? Is going on here! First I lose my job and still have none and now I lose my home. So little time to act. The universe has a plan? What in the world is it?

My daughter..she doesn't get out of school until May 21..we've been asked to vacate by May 7. I've asked for two different move dates - June 7 and May 22...they have said no to both.

Our rent is paid..so this isn't the issue.

I guess...it is just time to move on?

My insides are screaming NO! NO! NO!

All I want to do is STAY STILL! The universe has other ideas.

Despite my protests...we have to accept this and move on.........................................

Phoenix Children's Museum Free First Friday

2010-03-06T08:14:00.001-07:00

Love One Another

2010-02-14T09:52:00.000-07:00

Love One Another

I will be back...

2010-02-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing or posting pictures here lately and I can only say that I'll be back. My thoughts and life seem so mundane.....what's to write about? It's a phase...another Michele phase....but we'll be back.

Madeleine is starting to read and it tickles me pink. I've been spending a lot more time guiding that process - it is awesome to watch and be a part of.

We went to a financial workshop with my sister and all of our kids tonight. While I didn't hear anything new really it was a great reminder to hear what I need to do get my financial house back in line. Of course, a job would help. Still looking. There are a couple more jobs on the horizon that I'm interested in so I just keep plugging away.

I start physical therapy tomorrow for my knees after finally getting to the radiologists about my knees. I also have an order so that I can go to an orthopedic to diagnose further what is going on. I am working out and not letting the pain and limitation stop me but as I think I've said before I'm 48, not 60 so it is kind of early for all this degeneration to be going on. Scares me a bit. But I've got to keep moving forward.

On another note I found out my sister is moving back east in May - Virginia. We have not been very close the past few months but I always knew she was there if I needed her. I am not happy that she is leaving town. I really wanted the kids to grow up together. I came her to be near family ..and while I still have a niece and cousin here it isn't my sister and it really sucks. Truly sucks. Perhaps something great will come out of all of this but my first response was fear and deep sadness.

I have to get Madeleine in her pajamas (she is VERY particular about her clothes and she is very adamant that one MUST wear pajamas to bed and NOT clothes). and get us both to bed.

Good night oh ye internet.

More later

xoxox

Have-I-Done-Any-Good-in-the-World-Today?

2010-01-31T11:05:00.000-07:00

Have-I-Done-Any-Good-in-the-World-Today?

My Baby Girl is looking SO grown up!

2010-01-26T06:26:00.000-07:00

a grown up smile

telling a serious story in the car

in motion

trying acrobatics

After the Rain

2010-01-24T06:32:00.000-07:00

This is what it looks like at the end of my street....a few 100 feet away. This is what it looked like yesterday after 5 days of on and off rain. The best part about it is the Valley smog clears away and you can see for miles and miles. You can make it out if you open the picture, but those are the Superstition Mountains in the background enveloped in the clouds left from this last storm.

Late-January update

2010-01-22T16:52:00.002-07:00

I'm about to go pick up Madeleine from a play date but I thought I would update the blog world about our week. I set up the play date for Madeleine mid-week with one of her classmates and she has been sooo excited! I love to see her that way. She needed a note from me for her teacher so that she could go in her friend's Mom's car and not on the bus and she must have asked me 20 times for that note! She had all kinds of plans for what they would do this afternoon and I will find out shortly what they ended up doing.

I said last time that I've been meandering this week and that hasn't changed much. I did fill out a couple of on-line applications and have some ideas of consolidating all of my information...addresses of companies I've worked for, exact dates I worked, etc. into one generic form that I have next to me every time I fill out an application so I don't have to remember and/or look for this information each and every time. It was suggested by my churches employment services office and I just haven't gotten to it. This is a goal for next week.

On another topic, Madeleine had her stitches removed on Monday and she is doing just fine. It is always amazing to me how quickly she bounces back from things and this was no exception. She's back to normal except for a little hobbling off and on her foot, but the doctor was so cognizant because she made a point of telling me that this would happen, that I shouldn't worry about it or stop her and that it will get better over time.

As for other Madeleine news, I was speaking with a friend about some math school work that was in Madeleine's folder with a lot of mistakes in addition and subtraction. When I first started this school year I was so worried about Madeleine's progress. Now? I honestly don't want to make a big deal about the mistakes in her addition and subtraction. I don't even remember doing addition and subtraction in Kindergarten except for perhaps adding up toothpicks. I believe it is a developmental skill that will come to her naturally and while a part of me wants to worry about it, the other part says "she is in Kindergarten for goodness sakes!" I'm going to let her be a kid. She'll get it when she is ready!

It's been raining all week in Arizona on and off. Last night we had a wind storm with the advisory of a tornado warning to boot! We lost electricity, a tree fell down and a friend of mine's dog ran away in fear of the monster storm. It looks like it's going to rain again any minute after a day with sunshine. All of the weather is supposed to move out by tomorrow. While I liked it, I'm looking forward to desert like conditions returning. Weather will be warming in the next month and light will be returning in the morning and that will make life even better.

Have a great weekend. :)

Meandering

2010-01-21T02:59:00.000-07:00

I told a friend today that I've been meandering the last couple of days and not getting a lot done. She agreed that this was a great descriptive word for how she was spending her time lately as well "meandering". A definition of the word? "To move aimlessly and idly without fixed direction." [according to the Free Dictionary by Farlex]

This is definitely how I've been feeling. I don't know if it's the unusual weather we've been having here in Arizona this week (rain) or the after effects of Madeleine's trauma of last week or getting rejected by another company or spending a lot of time thinking about Haiti or getting back to the gym but supposedly I'm looking for a job and instead I'm meandering.

I have to go back to sleep for at least a little while. I here the pitter patter of yet more rain outside. It is supposed to rain all day and all night until tomorrow morning. I'll sleep to the pitter patter for a couple of hours until I have to get up and start another day. First with kids (I'm taking care of the girls again in the morning only) and then meandering.

Prayer

2010-01-17T01:25:00.000-07:00

Prayer

What if Everyone Everywhere (who can) Donated $5.00 to the Haitian Relief Effort?

2010-01-16T00:01:00.001-07:00

The link is to a Facebook page offering information for where to donate?

God Bless Haiti and all the people suffering there. Please guide the relief supplies to where it is needed.

An Eventful Day....ugh....

2010-01-15T11:36:00.004-07:00

Well, we had another eventful day here in our neck of the woods. On Wednesday I had an interview at a very large company. The process was quite quick. I submitted my resume on Monday and by Wednesday I was asked at 11:00 a.m. to come in for an interview at 3:00 p.m. the same day. I scrambled to fill out all of the on-line paper work they requested which included all of my addresses for the last 10 years and specifics about my jobs both beginnings and endings which were complicated because on 3 of my past jobs I started out as a consultant and was hired later on. I also had to get dressed, find someone to watch Madeleine and drive an hour to the interview. Perhaps I should have requested an interview for the next day?

The interview was over in about 35 minutes. I didn't feel good about it as we ended our talk. Was I too casual? I didn't talk about selling enough. I don't know anything about mortgages, I thought. While I didn't get the e-mail until I got home much later in the night, the company had posted the rejection e-mail by 4:00 p.m. They were pretty clear I wasn't the candidate for them, I suppose.

I drive home from the interview first stopping to get a couple of grocery items and then stopping to get Madeleine at our friend's home. My friend has a gate at the end of the driveway coming up to the house. I punch in the numbers for the gate, drive my car into "the compound", park and wait to speak with and thank my friend for watching Madeleine while she is speaking on the phone. Kids are everywhere as she has 6 and Madeleine made 7. They were doing all kinds of things...riding scooters, swinging on tree swings and jumping on the trampoline. My friend was on an important phone call so I waited patiently to speak with her. I gathered kids who needed to get off the trampoline, made sure others didn't put their feet in water. I kept thinking..this is great! Kids able to be kids....barefoot, safe, free, happy and having fun...I loved it and was enjoying that feeling.

Then it happened. The eventful part of the day. Madeleine and one of my friend's kids got off the trampoline and headed toward a motorized bicycle in the driveway. Madeleine just learned how to ride a bicycle a couple of weeks a go. I didn't think much of them going towards this motorized bike unfortunately I've seen Madeleine and her friend on this motorized bicycle before --- together. We're in the "compound"....so I'm not thinking much about cars or kids getting hurt...we're in an enclosed area and they have always been cautious on this bike. I see Madeleine's friend helping Madeleine get on the motorized bike. I make a quick assumption based on the calmness of the situation that Madeleine had done this earlier in the day and that she was already taught how to stop this thing. NOT.

I watch Madeleine ride. She looks good actually. She is balanced, strait and riding like a pro. I see her going down the drive. I say "slow down Madeleine". I see her getting closer to the gate and she is actually going faster. I scream out "STOP MADELEINE , STOP". She doesn't stop. She doesn't know how to stop. I realize she has never been on this thing alone. I watch...horrified. She slams into the gate. She slams into the gate going I don't know ...15 or 20 mph? I'm not sure.

I run. I can't really run. My knees. But I'm running. I'm running as fast as I can. My baby. I can't believe this is happening really. I just came to pick up my daughter. I'm standing around waiting to speak with my friend who is on the phone and now I'm looking at a tragedy of proportions I'm not clear about yet.. I want to go back in time and say "Madeleine do you know how to ride that?"...but I can't go back. There is blood everywhere. I pick her up off the ground. She is conscious, crying and scared. I run back to the house which seems like it is miles away.. As I run I remember that my friend is a nurse. She'll be able to determine the situation.

We put her on a chair in the kitchen. We realize there is a rather deep gash on her head right near the hairline - the cause of the profuse blood. Her foot hurts. We're not clear what else is going on. My friend cleans up the gash and puts some dressing on it. She hit her head. Obviously her whole body needs to be checked out.

My friend has 6 kids. She isn't going anywhere. I bring Madeleine to the car...she is crying but has calmed down significantly. I buckle her in her booster, close the door and I get in the car .....and we make our way to the emergency room. Madeleine just keeps crying "I don't want any needles in my head", "I don't want any needles in my head". I kind of know there are going to be needles, but I tell her it is all going to be ok and the doctor is going to take good care of her.

She wants to go to sleep. I yell back "don't go to sleep Madeleine"..."you CAN'T go to sleep baby until you see the doctor". She asks me "Why, Mommy". I tell her: "We need the doctor to check your head first". I keep talking to her to keep her up. She stays awake.

We get to the emergency room. This emergency room is great. They're quick. We get in a room right away. A doctor comes to see her and determines pretty fast what they need to do. Stitches, Cat scan on the head, xRay on the foot, check of whole body to see if there are other injuries. We're breathing, we're ok. She needs stitches for sure. The xRay determines there are no broken bones in her foot The Cat scan determines there is no damage internally to the brain or skull. A sigh of relief.

She gets 6 stitches to the gash in her head...two inside and four on the outer layer. She has a swollen bridge area above her nose between her eyebrows and she is beginning to to have dark circles under her eyes. She has a bruise on her lower abdomen and a bruises/sprained foot. Yes, she is injured...but..but it could have been so much worse.

So many people feel bad. My friend feels bad because she wishes she wasn't on the phone. I feel bad because I wish had assessed the situation and intervened before Madeleine got on that thing. My friend's daughter is horrified, regretful, frightened that Madeleine is hurt beyond repair. I feel as horrible for her as I do for Madeleine. It was a mistake, it was an error and it was absolutely NOT her fault.

I think again....it could have been a whole lot worse. There are so many ways this could have been so much worse. We are blessed. We are blessed that this was the outcome and not something else. Not something worse. We were.

The day is over. Madeleine actually went to school the next day. She wanted to go to school the next day. Perhaps to show her war wounds? She didn't want to go school today and we have a 3 day weekend in addition to today. I let her stay home. She'll rest. Her foot will get better. The swelling will go down on her face and we will get the stitches out early next week.

She has a lot of war stories to tell for a 5 year old. Far more than I ever had as a child. Knock on wood, I haven't broken a bone yet. I fell off my bicycle a lot, bruised up my knees a lot...but I still too have never been to the emergency room for anything about me...other people yes..me no? Hopefully this is not a sign of things to come.

Ugh...

Late Afternoon on "The Ranch"

2010-01-11T21:59:00.003-07:00

Madeleine loves these puppies! And Dancer..the Mom (also the Mom of Ellie..our six month old moose).

The World

2010-01-11T03:54:00.003-07:00

In my attempt to become more social as a blogger I've been reading a lot of blogs lately. Not that I hadn't been reading blogs, but I'm taking a block of time everyday to do it lately. I'm searching, seeking, looking, learning, getting inspired and realizing how much I love THE WORLD!! I just love people. I love their stories, their backgrounds, how they are different than me and how we are all a like.

One of the reasons I loved living in NYC (I could probably go through my blog and find this statement numerous times) was because on one block, on one subway car, on one street I could run into people from every continent on the globe. Perhaps it is because geography was important in my family growing up, perhaps it is just in my blood but people..learning about people is what excites me, moves me, attracts me. What I wanted to be when I grew up was one of two things related or unrelated I'm not sure because both have to do with the world one with the natural world and one with the human world: a meteorologist ....I'm fascinated with the weather (and my friend Shana gets a big kick out of this) and/or a research/photo journalist.

I wanted to start my career in the world as a Peace Corp volunteer. I wanted to travel down the Amazon, hike the Himalayas, live in Africa, India and move to Australia for good. I wanted to be a mediator, help cultures understand one another, find a way to get the entire world to cooperate.

Now I'm a single Mom. 48 and a single Mom of a 5 year old. I've been thinking of getting Madeleine her passport recently. It keeps coming into my vision. Get her Passport. I don't know why. It just keeps coming up. Are we going somewhere?

My passport is still good. I don't think it is good for much longer. I got a new passport in 2002. I went to the Yucatan...Tulum the February after 9/11. I went by myself. I stayed in a hut on the beach at a Yoga place down a dirt road from town. I met a woman from Arizona who was friends with one of my doctors back in NY. A coincidence? A foreshadowing? I met a couple with 2 small children traveling around the world...this was just one stop. I met another woman from Vermont and we rode bicycles into town and out into the jungles a bit together. I meet people...we always say we are going to keep in touch. We rarely do for too long.

Why am I writing this? I guess because I'm meeting people now through blogging. I've met a man named Matt whose wife died 27 hours after childbirth and he started blogging because he had no idea how he was going to raise an infant by himself and he needed help. I've met a woman who loved the city but met a rancher and moved to the middle of nowhere to be with him and raise their family, I've met a woman from the States who moved to Brazil with her husband after retirement, I've met a couple who live in Alaska, and another who has a special needs daughter, I've met a woman from Australia who lives on a ranch there and they are building a home on their property, another husband and wife team who moved from Australia to live in India and I've even met a couple of Peace Corps volunteers ....one in Tonga, one in Jamaica.

People's stories amaze and inspire me. If there is one other thing I am attempting to do by blogging is communicate across international lines. Unfortunately, I only speak English. At least I can connect with the English speaking portion of the world for the moment around the world. While I speak a small amount of French it is doubtful that I will speak another language fluently in my lifetime (never say never, I guess). I always wanted to do that and my attempts at speaking French fluently were vast (including a stint living in Paris) but I never did get the hang of it. And for now I live on a horse property in Arizona so French and not even Spanish are in my near future.

I know there was a lot of fear that held me back in my life and honoring my dreams...but still the person we are is the person we are and it never really leaves us. I was fascinated by the world at 10, at 20, at 30, at 40 and now as I approach my 50's with a 5 year daughter. Perhaps it is the free spirit in me that will always be a wanderer whether I do it on the computer or find the next plane to catch and reading these blogs is giving me a new found connection with that part of me that loves life, loves people's stories and loves the world we live in despite the medias propensity to show the world in a negative light. There is so much good in the world. Probably more good than bad. This search is giving me a new found desire to see that and bring it to light.

Diets, Dogs and Ice Cream Parties

2010-01-08T12:38:00.003-07:00

I'm off to an ice cream party at Madeleine's school so I don't have a lot of time to write, but I wanted to share a couple of things:

First I did it. I made it through yesterday pretty successfully eating wise. Mostly protein and veggies. Evenings are the hardest. That is when I want to eat and I'm pretty ferocious about it. I've got to keep my emotions in check because that is what will hurt me. I did eat popcorn last night...with butter. :( But, as days go it was pretty successful

This morning I rode my bicycle about 6 miles altogether and walked about a mile. The 6 miles came in two sessions: one with Ellie - the moose dog and one by myself. The first bicycle ride was riding over to the high school to walk around the track. Ellie runs next to me while I ride and then as I'm walking around the track I throw a ball for her to catch. After the walk she was pretty tired so I brought her home and went riding by myself.

It breaks my heart to show this picture of Ellie and Cindy, but it shows how much Ellie's grown since we got her in August (Cindy was my love...my absolute love). The picture on the left is August next to 8lb Cindy. The picture on the right is from today - 5 months later:

She is the sweetest dog to me, but she needs to learn some manners. She jumps on people (getting better at this), unknowingly hurts kids when they are running because she thinks they are playing with her and she tends to think part of playing is biting..so she does what she does with the other dogs and bites ...ever so gently to her but not so gently to them. I took her to the dog park last week and she seriously thought every dog was her enemy - hair up, barking and the tail stops wagging. Can you say Dog Whisperer?

It's hard because we live on a farm and all the animals here are her friend and I suppose she considers them her "pack". Once we get off the property we're in territory she doesn't understand and with dogs that are not a part of her pack. She doesn't get out much past her fellow playmates here. I'm not sure we will be here forever and so we really do need to get her socialized. We've become pretty close buddies lately. I still consider her a "dog's dog" as opposed to a "people's dog" but she's growing on me.

I intend NOT to eat any ice cream at the ice cream party. I'll have a 40 calorie fudge bar before I leave the house.

Thoughts for the day

2010-01-07T11:03:00.001-07:00

Its taken me a long time to wrap my mind around the idea that if I'm going to lose my weight, it isn't going to be a short journey. I've gone through a lot of frustration about this idea. My usual endurance for such things last about 6 months....i.e. getting into an intense workout, for instance. I usually don't last much longer than that before I start slacking.

I've decide that my 50th birthday is a good milestone for me to lose the weight I'm carrying. That is 120 pounds extra weight I'm carrying around. August, 2012 would be the month that happens. It hasn't always been that way ...and it has creeped up on me slowly.

For a long time I hovered around 190 - 200 pounds and I went to a nutritionist to lose weight. I went to her every week. We talked about what I did right, what I did wrong and how I could improve for the next week. I religiously went to the gym 5 times a week, 45 minutes each day. Usually alternating between swimming, the elliptical machine and the treadmill. At the time I lived in the city and I could see my gym from a window in the hallway as I was going down the stairs from my apartment. I walked a block and I was at the gym. I started with her in July of 2002. I continued on this journey until my Dad died in March of 2003 and then kind of lost it after that.

In that time I lost between 2 and 4 pounds a week. Sometimes a little less, never more. The diet was strict but I never felt hungry. It was a high protein, low carb eating plan that required me to eat 5 - 6 meals a day. I lost about 40 pounds and got myself down to a size 12. I have not really tried to lose weight since then and I have slowly gained more and more weight. Living in NY helped me keep more weight at bay. I walked up 4 flights of stairs to my apartment (until, of course, I moved to the first floor after getting pregnant), I walked up and down subway stairs everyday and walked pretty much everywhere I went.

Living in Arizona where you pretty much drive everywhere you go I've gained a lot of weight. I'm now a whopping 270! I don't want to feel shame about it anymore. That is just what it is. I know that that is not healthy and I'm ready to take the plunge...dive in...climb....whatever whey you want to go with it. I'm gonna do this. 120 pounds by August of 2012. That is 19 months. I'm starting here, starting today.

I started out the day well. I had 2 hard boiled eggs and blueberries for breakfast. I walked 1 mile, rode my bicycle another 2 miles and did the slightest bit of yoga (really, it was stretching). I'm going to work with the plan I got from the nutritionist I worked with back in NY. For now I'm going to do a little walking, a little biking and some yoga. I truly believe that most of it is changing food habits as opposed to the exercise..BUT this is about health...so the exercise is important. I can't unfreeze my gym membership yet, but when I do, I'll be back swimming again.

I will post my progress here and/or my other site about my weight loss journey...but we're starting today.

On another note, money. I'm looking for work again after the holiday blitz has ended. I don't know how this is going to happen, but I want to be self supporting through my own contributions and fully pay my own bills (I have gotten help here and there to make ends meet) for February.

I'm hopeful today that I can get back on my own two feet. Can you tell?

I'll let you know tomorrow how I do.

Obedience

2010-01-04T09:09:00.003-07:00

The earth is still at 5:30 in the morning. I love this time of day. At this time of year in this part of the country it is still dark now. The roosters are crowing, Madeleine is still sleeping and the only other noise I hear is the whir of the fridge. I'm thinking about my day: it is the first weekday of 2010. I'm thinking about having seen a shooting star on the way home last night. I'm thinking about how to make 2010 better than 2009. I'm thinking about writing and what it means to me. I'm thinking about how I can be a better Mom. I'm thinking about the word obedience.

I'm hearing the word obedience a lot lately. A friend on Facebook has a quote on her page "You do not necessarily have to agree with everything your faith tells you but you should obey it!" I go back and look at it and ponder the thought. "Obedience".

My first thoughts about obedience are "obedience training" for dogs, obedience as in military life..obedience as in expectations of husbands who want to control their wives (abuse) and children. Obedience = stifled, restricted, closed-up, imprisoned. Why would anyone want to be obedient if this is what one feels?

I'm trying to let go of this view of obedience and believe in my Heavenly Father and the principles that go along with that.

Here are some synonyms for the word obedience: compliance, yielding, submission, respect, conformity, reverence, deference, observance, subservience, submissiveness, docility, complaisance, tractability, dutifulness, conformability.

Here are some antonyms: defiance, disobedience, stubbornness, obstinate, insubordination, recalcitrance, willfulness.

I definitely have a history of being the opposite of obedient: obstinate, willful, stubborn, defiant. Defiant being the optimum word. I'm changing but my nature is to question everything. And I do mean everything.

Every spiritual discipline requires obedience. Most spiritual disciplines come down to the same ideas. I keep thinking of something the Bishop of our church shared from a speech by Gordon B. Hinckley and transcribed in an article entitled "Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts Unceasingly" in the Ensign Magazine: "Now I offer you a very simple recipe which, if observed, will assure your happiness." It is a simple four-point program. It is as follows: (1) pray, (2) study, (3) pay your tithing, and (4) attend your meetings.

There always seems to be a word that ends up being a theme in my life and this seems to be the word right now. Obedience.

The four-point program lined out by President Hinckley is simple. I do all four. I just don't do them as regularly as suggested. As far as tithing goes I'm planning on being a full tithe payer this year. I almost always attend my meetings. I need to pick up the frequency of prayer and studying and this will always be a challenge. I can only do this one day at a time and my intention is to pray and study every day.

The last challenge I have is the "Word of Wisdom". I don't drink alcohol and haven't taken one sip since I joined the church, I don't smoke - I quit on October 14, 1990...but coffee? I'm back. Yes, I'm back drinking coffee. Coffee, coffee, coffee. I love it! I love it, I love it, I love it!! OK, I'll try...I'll TRY AGAIN. OK...I'LL TRY AGAIN!! Do I want to? NO!!! It's my last vice. It's my last rebellion. It's my last defiance. I don't WANT to let it go.

Alas, that saying comes back to my mind: "You do not necessarily have to agree with everything your faith tells you but you should obey it!"

I'd love to hear your thoughts on obedience.

Madeleine is an official bike rider

2010-01-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

Madeleine rode a 2 wheeler for the first time today!! A family (2 parents, 6 kids, a dog and a cat) from our Church invited us over for lunch. I mentioned that I really couldn't keep up with Madeleine to get her going on the bicycle and Scott - the husband of the couple offered to help her. Madeleine was up and riding in less than 5 minutes!

I'm on this independence kick lately...but it is...one more step to independence.

Blogging 2010

2010-01-02T06:36:00.004-07:00

You know, back in March 2005 when I started this blogging I was so excited to have a venue of my own from which to write. I was also so excited to have something to write about: my life as a single Mom and to talk about my growing baby.

While Madeleine is still the focal point of my life and my blog, it's different writing about Madeleine as a child than as a baby

The blog world has changed and I've changed a bit too. In the last year I've written more than I ever have, I've tried to become more interactive socially with other mommy bloggers and I've actually put advertisements on my blog to see if I could bring in some extra cash. I don't know if those were official "goals" but this was the outcome of the last year.

I say that I want to be more publicly appealing, have a bigger audience and become more focused and "professional" about my blogging on the one hand and I shake in my boots at the thought of it on the other hand. I'm probably one of the most insecure people on the planet and I have to get over that! It is what keeps me back more than anything else in the world, I think.

I'd like to do the following for 2010 and see where it takes me:

1. Write every day (that was my goal last year too..I fell short, but I wrote more last year than before)
2. Add a weekly feature (i.e., "Grateful Thursday" or "Picture Monday" or something like that) by February
3. Make a more concerted effort at becoming interactive with other mommy bloggers
4. Double my audience
5. Get a check in the mail for my writing by the end of the year

We'll see how it goes!

Dear 2010

2010-01-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

Dear 2010,

This is a new day, a new year, a new decade. I like you. I like the sound of you, the look of you, the newness of you. You bring me hope.

Let's Dance!! And make it a great year and the beginning of a great decade. I will be almost 60 when you end. Madeleine will be 15. 15!! I was just about 40 when the past decade started. Madeleine was not yet here. 2000 decade..I'm glad you're over. Sianara.

I have decided that Madeleine will not date until she is 18. So she will still be not dating in your decade 2010. I have so many people tell me how beautiful she is and how much trouble I am going to have when she is a teenager....I know this will not be the case and that she will be a wonderful teenager who will listen to my every last word and I will be able to control every last boy that tries to come into her world. Can you tell I have just a little anxiety about this? I will need to take this one day...one year at a time.

Last night Madeleine and I were at my sister's home with her family and some our cousins and the adults were all sitting around a fire pit in her driveway talking when Madeleine came up to me desperately trying to tell me something while I was talking to my cousin - "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!!......" I wanted her to be patient until my cousin and I stopped talking. My cousin said to me jokingly "it's all about Madeleine" and then she said "she is so innocent".....as a parent you try to teach your kids manners and I guess I'm trying to teach Madeleine that it isn't all about Madeleine. BUT, maybe it's ok if, for the moment...when she still has her innocence that she still thinks it's still all about Madeleine. I'll keep trying to guide her towards a less ego-centric manner..but she is still innocent and she is still learning and being. I guess I bring this up because 2010...I'm afraid the egocentric attitude will not do her good as an adult....I'm a little like that and it hasn't done me any good. So 2010 we'll you'll have to help me with that in your decade.

Anyway 2010...that's what's on my mind at the moment. Mostly Madeleine and the future with Madeleine. There is only one thing for sure..Madeleine will continue in her ascent towards independence and I will continue my regression back to being a single person whose focus while still on Madeleine will shift back towards other things as well.

Here's to us...all of us...and this brand new decade. Let it be what it is. Here we go!

Good Bye December ....Good Bye 2009

2009-12-31T05:55:00.001-07:00

2009 had a lot of ups and downs and I'm glad we're about to usher in a New Year - artificial barrier or not.

Highlights of 2009:

January: Found a new place to live
February: Moved to our new place - a definite gift from God.
March: Adjusted to and thoroughly enjoyed our new place to live
April: Tony died (ugh) - this changed the outlook for 2009 totally - still haunts me today - can't get the image out of my head
May: Went to San Diego for Memorial Day weekend to see a friend from my childhood and have our daughters meet for the first time - it felt so good to get away and have a mini vacation
June: Madeleine's 5th Birthday - birthday bash at the house - fun!
July: Ended my last month of work at the online travel company I worked for for 21 months
August: Madeleine started Kindergarten, Madeleine broke her wrist, Ellie comes in our lives; relationship with my sister deteriorates
September: Cindy died (ugh) (our beloved Chihuahua) - this changed the outlook for the rest of 2009 - sucked!
October: Got my first calling at my new Church Ward (Chorister); Decided to go off Cymbalta and am happy I did
November: Became disillusioned with Facebook and the idea of being in contact with everyone from past and present. Wrote a letter to Madeleine's paternal Grandparents to let them know they have a grand-daughter - outcome still unknown - I just hope I've made an opening for Madeleine - that is all I want.
December: Picked up a pink Christmas tree for Christmas, watched a friend of mine's kids for the month and thought I was going to lose my mind and Santa Claus was incredibly generous to Madeleine this year with no help from me. Learned how to spell Chihuahua.

What about 2010?

Pray more
Find a job, find a livlihood
Live more healthfully, start losing the weight I want to lose by my 50th Birthday (120 lbs / 20 = 6lbs per month)
Be truer to myself, find my self-esteem again and bring back my confidence
Be a better Mom
Nurture new friendships for me and for Madeleine
Stay in our little house on the farm
Visit New York - at least once (preferably when it is warm)

Happy New Year to all!

Christmas Morning

2009-12-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Cousins and Cookies

2009-12-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas to all!

Here are a couple of pictures of Madeleine making cookies (today) and of she and her cousins last Sunday.

We're on our way to my sister's house with presents and cookies and that's our Christmas Eve Story. :)

December update

2009-12-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

I've been quite busy the last couple of weeks. As you can see from my last post I'm watching a friend of mine's kids before and after school and it is really exhausting! They come to the house early in the morning and stay until the bus comes. They come back after school on the bus and stay until their mother gets here from work. I don't know if it would be so bad if I wasn't constantly breaking up fights. 3 IS a crowd. Take that with battling sisters who have habits and ideals different than your own and it makes for exhaustion.

On top of this my back went out suddenly this past weekend. Sunday my back starting going into spasms like crazy and I couldn't stop it. I have had back problems since I was a teenager when I wanted to pretend to be as strong as all the boys I worked with in "Foodtown" in the produce section and I lifted 100 lb bags of potatoes. Bad move. My still growing body and extra vertebrae didn't like it and especially in my teens and 20's and into my 30's until I found the chiropractor of all chiropractors to alleviate my chronic back problems. If you have a back problem and live in NYC I highly recommend her: Ellen Bialo, DC...West 77th Street.

Anyway, the spasm issue appears to be unrelated to my back issues of yore but it could be related to the fact that I fell flat on my back on a bowling alley Thanksgiving Day? The other possibility is the fact that the night before my back went out Madeleine and I were at a holiday party at our church and I was picking up Madeleine and flipping her upside down? Obviously I need to strengthen my arms.

I could hardly move without my back going into a spasm on Sunday. I called my sister to take Madeleine for the day and then I went to Urgent Care nearly getting into an accident a couple of times when my back starting going into spasms while I was driving. I knew they wouldn't be able to do much ...except I knew I needed muscle relaxers to stop the spasms. I was right. It helped. After all that work my back was doing during the spasm attacks, my back was sore and still is. Today is much better than yesterday and so on and so on. Hopefully by this weekend I will be back to normal. At least my normal.

Needless to say it was difficult to take care of 2 rambunctious girls and my daughter (the angel??) this week. We couldn't go anywhere the first couple of days because I couldn't move very much. We managed. I did tell my friend that this wasn't going to work and that I would not be doing this after the end of the month.

I think Madeleine will have mixed feelings when this ends. On the one hand I think it has been hard for her to have them here all of the time. On the other hand she has often wanted kids here all of the time because she gets bored. Gianna, my friends older daughter has created various games for the girls to play and Madeleine has loved that element of the girls being here. She and Cheyenne, my friend's younger daughter went ot pre-school together for 2 years before going to kindergarten together (although they are in different classes) and aren't really congruent. Cheyenne is moody and it gets on Madeleine's nerves and it also causes problems between the 3 of them.

I can only imagine because I wasn't one, but it must be really hard being an only child and especially hard when you are an only child with a single parent. I've probably said that already here. I try really hard to set up play dates and the like for Madeleine but I can't always do that so the built in play date has in some ways been nice for her...even though she complains and wants them to go home sometimes. We all feel that way about our brothers and sisters too, don't we?

Christmas is around the corner and I've very little to prepare except get our little pink Christmas tree. We've had a couple of blessings from people which has taken a large burden off of me to find money that I don't have for presents in the form of gifts. I feel a little strange accepting all of this and at the same time we really do need the help this year. Madeleine will have enough under the Christmas tree this year and that makes me happy. Next year I will have a job and things will be different.

That's my update. I'm off to write Christmas cards and go to Madeleine's Christmas party at her school.

Pink Christmas

2009-12-12T07:04:00.000-07:00

It's going to be a pink Christmas here on Ranch. I planned on going out and getting a real tree, but when I saw this tree at Walmart I said to Madeleine "hey a pink tree"! and she said "I want that tree!" And so we have our little pink tree on top of a table waiting for presents to be placed underneath. (I haven't wrapped any yet.).

On a green note, I saved a green tree? Or maybe not.

Other People's Kids

2009-12-11T20:45:00.000-07:00

I've been watching my girlfriends kids since November 30 before and after school. Please note that during this time I have written very little. My friend just started a new job and she decided to ask me to watch her kids to help me and her out and I said yes because, well, I needed the extra money it would bring in.

Conclusion: watching other people's kids before and after school is not my thing.

I'm not sure if it is her kids or kids in general but the amount of stress it has brought into my life is stress I can do without. Fighting, inappropriate behavior, mood swings and other happenings have made it clear to me that I prefer to work with adults. I lack the patience to deal with it and I'm really too old to change this about myself.

Enough said. Moving forward.

Shellfish to Paradise

2009-12-05T21:48:00.003-07:00

Today Madeleine was invited to the home of my niece's mother-in-law Donna to decorate gingerbread houses with a bunch of other kids including her cousins Ben and Ryan. Donna is quite the giver and does this and also has a Christmas party for kids every year.

Donna lives in the same neighborhood as my sister. It is a man-made tropical oasis in the middle of the Phoenix area desert. There are canals, boats and palm trees and Donna and her husband live on the water here. If you go out in their back yard and sit by the water you get the feeling you're in Florida along the inter-coastal waterway as opposed to being smack in the middle of the Arizona desert - except those mountains in the distance.

I got a chuckle as I made my way through the neighborhood to their home...Shellfish to Paradise. It could be another Jimmy Buffet song or perhaps that of a country crooner living in the desert wishing he was by the sea.

I don't have a picture of the oasis in the desert, but I do have a picture of Madeleine and her finished gingerbread house...sitting at the table at my sister's home off Bayshore.

Mommy and Madeleine

2009-12-05T07:07:00.002-07:00

Mommy & Madeleine
Originally uploaded by AllegrasRose

I haven't seen this in a while ...love this picture of us.

Gorgeous

2009-12-04T21:29:00.003-07:00

By Optimus at Pixdaus

Mama Kats Writers Workshop: Everything I Own....By Bread

2009-12-03T23:59:00.005-07:00

OK, I have not participated in "Mama Kats" Writer's Workshop in quite some time but two things prompted me to write. First, I went to my e-mail at 1 in the morning as I often do as a bona fide insomniac to find that Mama Kat is following me on Twitter. I'm honored. I mean she takes this blog stuff to the next level and does such a great job..me? I'm still finding my way.

Well, after finding this I linked to Mama Kats site for the first time in a very long time to check out the Writer's Worskhop to discover that when I read the lines: "verse by verse, dissect a favorite song you had in 7th grade" three things popped into my head: Bread (the group), Gigi, crying in my closet. OK, not only crying in my closet..but TRYING to CRY in MY CLOSET. Taking turns to CRY IN MY CLOSET to "Everything I Own" by Bread. And I think Maggie (then Margaret) was also partaking in this activity as well if my visual memory holds correct.

This confession is definitely aging me a bit, but it's true. Bread, "Everything I Own" circa 1970? I had it on a "Best of Bread" album, one of my first..and crying in the closet well, we're probably talking 1973. If you don't know the song, if you want to HEAR the song...go to my Playlist at the bottom of my blog...it is the first song. It has a catchy tune. I'm not sure I want to listen to it over and over again, but I do still like the song.

I started looking at the words and I couldn't stop laughing. I mean we're talking about two junior high school girls who have hardly started their lives. Gigi will probably kill me for admitting that her crush was on a teacher..."Mr Kamoosee" I'm not even sure the spelling is correct. My crush was on a boy named Jack Kovic - the brother of Ron Kovic - the man who wrote the book "Born on the Fourth of July". Little did I know what he must of been experiencing at home. I'm not sure I was ever in his house, but I remember the ramp going to the front door and didn't think much of it until "Born on the Fourth of July" became a movie and I realized that ramp was for his brother...his much older brother.

Jack was in a band. Man did I like boys in bands. I wrote him notes, he ran from me and still my fantasies of Jack continued for most of 7th and 8th grade. I may have kissed him..I'm not sure if it is real or a dream...spin the bottle...in the sand dunes at the beach...first peck...me and a bunch of other kids who rode bicycles to the beach during a "bicycle jubilee" a once or twice a year event for Long Islanders to ride to Jones Beach on the Wantagh Causeway before they built the actual bike path.

Jack - I remember him on the school field, in class and at our "Battle of the Bands" Saturday night dances where no one danced. Someone was always interested in me but I was only interested in Jack..the unattainable guitar player in one of the many bands from my town (one also forming at that same time was "The Stray Cats"....you know "The Stray Cats" - there's another story in that..but that's for 9th Grade memories).

So here goes:

Everything I Own

You sheltered me from harm
Kept me warm, Kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, Set me free
The finest years I ever knew,
We're all the years I had with you
(WE MUST HAVE BEEN DILLUSIONAL!)

And I will give everything I own,
I'll give my life, my heart, my home
I will give everything I own
Just to have you back again.
(WE NEVER "HAD" THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE!)

You taught me how to love,
What its all, all above
You never said too much
But still you showed the way
In my new, I'm watching you
Nobody else will ever know
The part of me that can't let go
(IF HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO LOVE, WELL IT PROBABLY EXPLAINS WHY I HAVEN'T MARRIED)

I will give anything I own
I'll give up my life, my heart, my home
I will give everything I own
Just to have you back again
(I GUESS THIS EXPLAINS WHY I WAS WILLING TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF OF MY PARENTS HOUSE AT 16 AND RUN AWAY WITH MY HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND....WE MADE IT TO THE VERRAZANO-NARROWS BRIDGE ..I WAS READY TO GO ALL THE WAY TO CALIFORNIA...BUT HE GOT SCARED - WE GOT BACK TO MATZO-PIZZA AT 2 IN THE MORNING AND HIS MOTHER LAUGHED AND TOLD HIM TO TAKE ME HOME - I GOT BACK IN THE HOUSE THE SAME WAY I GOT OUT...THE ROOF - CLIMBED BACK IN MY BEDROOM WINDOW, WENT TO SLEEP AND NO ONE EVER KNEW - EXCEPT ME, HIM AND HIS MOM)

Is there someone you know
You're loving them so
But taking them all for-granted
You may lose them one day
Someone takes them away
And they don't hear the words you long to say
(I'M NOT EVEN SURE I KNEW WHAT IT MEANT "TAKING THEM ALL FOR GRANTED" AND LOSING THEM? I NEVER HAD THEM! BUT THIS HOOK WAS THE MOST MEANINGFUL AND TEAR-INVOKING PART OF THE SONG!)

I would give anything I own,
I'll give up my life, my heart, my home,
I will give everything I own
Just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again
(BLAH, BLAH, BLAH)

I'm not sure what we were thinking at 13 and 14, but let me tell you - looking back gave me a great big laugh!

Hello December!

2009-12-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

Hello December! How are you this year? The Christmas season is upon us and with your arrival my darling Madeleine is so excited to see you! She wrote a list for Santa and is awaiting Christmas Day. There will be Christmas parties and Gingerbread House building and lights, lights, lights.

Let it be a merry, berry season filled with delight!

Yesterday, Church

2009-11-30T09:19:00.000-07:00

As some people know but not many, we go to church for 3 hours every Sunday in the L.D.S church. The first hour is dedicated to the sacrament..so just like the Catholic Church we dedicate this hour to the atonement, prayer, remission of our sins for the week. The big differences? Two that I observe: 1) We don't go to the altar at the front of the church. We sit in our seats and the Aaronic Priesthood passes the sacrament to us. 2) The representation of the blood of Christ is water and not wine.

One of the things that I love is that families stay together in this hour. It is a bit chaotic. There are many families with 4, 5, 6 and even 7 kids. So it is loud and distracting. I find it refreshing. One of the things that happens in this setting is that you remember to bring snacks and projects. I never leave the house without a snack for Madeleine and something for her to read or paper and pencil with which to draw.

I think that adults and children alike learn to focus over the distraction. I learn to listen to the Bishopric over the distractions. There is a big push in the LDS church for REVERENCE. You see lots of kids walking to go to the bathroom and back with there heads down, arms crossed, walking silently ahead. I guess if there wasn't this ideal of REVERENCE it would even be louder, but why is it that we all think being REVERENT means DON'T SMILE? I believe that God wants us to smile and there is nothing wrong with smiling even when we are worshiping in church.

The second and third hours are hours of lessons and a time when the kids go to "Primary". The second hour - for adults - "Sunday School" - anchors on different subjects each year. This year the focus has been on the history of the church ...so this has been really interesting for me. Within this topic other ideas become apparent.

"Primary" for the kids in the second hour depends on whether they are in the older or younger group. Madeleine is in the younger group so she goes with all of the kids from 4 - 7 in a large room especially for kids. Basically they are practicing for their adult roles. They say a prayer, have a reading and/or lesson from scripture, sing songs and usually there is a game of some sort that they play.

The third hour for adults splits the men and women. Men go to "Priesthood" and women go to "Relief Society". I believe the lesson in each are the same. This year the focus has been on teachings of Joseph Smith. Other times it is a lesson from the Ensign - the monthly church magazine - that one of the church leaders has given. In addition, the women focus on service, visiting teaching and activities of the church relating to women and the same goes for the men and their meetings.

I've had so many non-L.D.S. friends look at these meetings as mysterious and weird and the reality is that they area really quite enlightening and help church members connect and I learn something each and every time I go.

Yesterday was one of two Sundays in the year when there is a fifth Sunday. On these fifth Sundays the Bishop speaks and the Priesthood and Relief Society meetings are combined. In this particular Sunday the Bishop spoke about a speech the last Prophet of the Church - Gordon B. Hinckley - made to the Young Women of the church called "Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts Unceasingly". President Hinckley made four points here: (1) pray, (2) study, (3) pay your tithing, and (4) attend your meetings. With this, every aspect of your life will be blessed. I believe this. I believe that if I do this that things will change. I need to just do it. Mind you, I am a convert and I'm also aware that if you follow the tenets of whatever church or spiritual path you follow that "every aspect of your life will be blessed". I do not think this is something exclusive of the L.D.S. church.

One of the other things he spoke of was service. "Do something for someone else". I think I said I was going to do 29 things for 29 people in the month of November. I did not. It was a goal I felt short of, but still I did do some things for some people and plan to continue that road in December.

The last thing I wrote down was the reason that we need to do these things: he made an analogy with having been a paramedic for many years where medicines in a patient needed to be kept at "therapeutic levels". I don't even know if I translated what he said accurately, but I got the gist. We need to do these things daily to keep our spiritual levels up. Once we stop doing this we lose ground and the noise of the world creeps in and before we know things are no longer going our way.

I love going to church. I love our Bishop. I love what I get to ponder. The part I need to get better at is a) forgiving myself if I don't do it perfectly b) getting better at doing what is suggested of me.

Honestly, yesterday I didn't want go to church. I was still suffering from my weekend of angst. I want these weekends of angst to end. I feel like it doesn't matter what I follow...I just need to follow the tenets of the spiritual experience I have chosen. I know I will experience more joy and I know that my days will flow better.

I'm still healing from going off the anti-depressants. I know for me that the only other answer is a spiritual one and there I must go.

What about Thanksgiving Day?

2009-11-29T23:29:00.000-07:00

Here are some random Thanksgiving Day photos.

Oh right..after writing my last post, I forgot to talk about Thanksgiving Day. Well, it was nice. I was in a funk on Wednesday that was similar to Friday but Thanksgiving Day? I was determined to have a 1/2 way decent time.

I woke up Thanksgiving morning anxious because my sister and I are barely speaking and Madeleine and I were scheduled to go there for dinner at around 4. I changed that script. I wrote my gratitude list on my blog and shortly after finishing I got dressed, told Madeleine we're going out and we headed to my sister's house at 7 in the morning.

I thought we needed a little connection before the whole gang was there.   Her husband was flying in from Alabama in the afternoon (he now lives there because that is where he works) and my niece and her husband were going to be there so I knew there would be no time then to connect and I felt like we needed to do just that. So off we went.

We didn't have any big long drawn out conversation but we talked. I told her that I loved her and that I wanted her in my life. The kids played. I helped her clean the house a bit and then Madeleine and I were off until later in the day.

One of the things that we were going to do after dinner was go bowling. Once again my money situation was going to cause a problem and I felt bad for Madeleine because I wanted her to go and be with family and while Madeleine doesn't necessarily need me to participate in every activity, she likes when I'm there. So I wanted to go bowling too.   Here is another blessing: my friend Nancy wanted us to be able to go bowling and offered to help. I accepted.

So, after we left my sisters we headed back home with a couple of pit stops. My sister and I live nearly 30 miles a part and there are a few people to visit between there and here. We first visited Vicky - quite spontaneously I might add.

When I first moved to the Phoenix area I lived for 3 months with Vicky. I probably have a post or two on this blog from that time period back in November/December 2006. We spent our first Thanksgiving with her. I had just moved in at the beginning of the month, but I don't think I had anywhere to go. My sister was off to California, I think, with Lary's Mom so Madeleine and I were here to fend for ourselves.   I guess the memory of that prompted me to stop in.

Vicky was going to school at that time to be a naturopathic doctor. I think she was just starting. Well, she has since finished school and seems to be doing well for herself. I remember she wanted so badly to landscape the backyard: done! Her daughter was 15 and had dropped out of high school and started going on line: her daughter is out of the house and out of school!

Madeleine remembered a few things about Vicky's house which is pretty amazing since she was only just two! As I said, Vicky was going to school. She had a full size skeleton in her office in the front of the house and every time you would come up to the door you saw that skeleton. Madeleine was enamored and frightened by that skeleton so much so that it left a mark on her brain. It was the first question out of her mouth when we walked in the house: Vicky: "where is your skeleton?". It turns out that it was on hiatus for only a couple of days because she was painting. It was out in the garage and would be back to standing guard in just a few more days.

The other thing that Madeleine remembered about Vicky's house was Copper..the dog. Well, in 3 years Copper has aged a lot. Back then, Copper was thin, wild and had a loud, howling and annoying bark. He is a beagle. In these three years Copper has mellowed, gotten fat and doesn't seem to have as much of a bark in him. Madeleine and I would walk Copper on a regular basis.

We didn't stay long at Vicky's house..maybe 1/2 hour or so. I'm not sure she was happy to see us, but she welcomed us in.

After leaving here we went ot my friend Nancy's house. Madeleine got a chance to play with Nancy's kids, I got a chance to chat with Nancy and we were on our way back home.

While we were driving my sister called and asked us to come over early.   You see, she ordered dinner from a restaurant and Lary caught an earlier flight and the food was near the airport so it was picked up early and she didn't want it to sit around too long. In the morning I was afraid of the thought of being home alone for a long period of time and as it turned out we were hardly home at all on Thanksgiving.

We got home, fed the dogs and cat, changed our clothes and were on our way back to Sue's house for dinner. It wasn't a huge celebration but it was nice. My sister, her husband, Ryan and Ben and my sister's older daughter Michele and her husband Devin. We ate a typical Thanksgiving dinner. We talked. I enjoyed seeing Lary who hasn't been around much lately. And, of course I love to see my nephews and niece and her husband. That is the best part of any holiday really....seeing the kids.

After dinner, we did go bowling.   It was Madeleine's first time playing. Yes, Madeleine..your first game of bowling was on Thanksgiving 2009 and you were 5.   I decided I had to get a picture and the lane next to us was empty. I did not know that the lanes are slicked and oiled. Did you?

Anyway, my attempt at taking a picture of Madeleine ended up with me flat on my back on a bowling alley lane with the entire bowling alley crowd watching. No one was sure how hurt I was. It turned out that I was ok! I got up, a little embarrassed and picked up my camera and the batteries which had gone flying in the fall and bowled...not great..but still, I bowled...and I did get a couple of pictures of Madeleine.

Kicking Me in The A--

2009-11-28T23:30:00.000-07:00

I have really tried to make this weekend "OK". But it really kicked my a--. I had a friend tell me after asking her how her new stint in Denver has been that the town is kicking her a-- and it really is how I feel about this Thanksgiving weekend. I'd like to blame it on being a single Mom but I've had countless holidays in my 18 single years that have kicked my a-- just as furiously. When you don't have a large family close at hand and a large network of single friends who get together on the holidays (when you are single) and even if you do have a large network of single friends these holidays can be extremely difficult if you haven't formulated a clear plan or have little money to do anything or are just depressed!

Having little money, little gas and being as far as I am from things to do AND now having a child who needs my attention and wants to play pretty much all of the time brings an even bigger challenge. I'm just a little edgy about it all.

Top that with taking care of someone elses dog along with our dogs and finding that their dog pees every chance it gets whether it is inside or outside....well this adds a little stress.

Put it all together - especially when your thinking in your head "I can't do this" and well..you have a problem Will Roger!! What ever happened to Lost in Space anyway. I would watch it if it was on television.

OK, so despite myself, yes despite myself - there were many blessings this weekend as well that helped me get through it all at times when I felt like I was going to throw in the towel: A friend from back east offered to send us out to dinner last night after a day where I felt like I was bouncing off the walls and spiraling out of control. We went and it was wonderful and the change of scenery and getting out with people definitely changed my mind set and helped me show up for Madeleine in a better way. After dinner we went to the nearby mall and Madeleine looked at shoes, clothes and I took her to the play area. We couldn't get anything, but we were able to dream of things we might like.

Today early on I got a phone call from the mother of one of Madeleine's classmates to say that she didn't get my call until this morning because she had left her phone in the car on Thanksgiving and didn't get it out til this morning. I had called her to ask if perhaps Madeleine and her daughter could have a play date on Friday. She said that today in the morning would be good. Well, we had already gotten a call from Mackenzy's Mom Jen that they could come over Saturday morning...so the playdate was out of the question for the day.

We spent the morning catching up. Madeleine with Mackenzy and I with Jen. This was a treat for both of us given we hadn't seen a soul all day on Friday.

In addition to this the same friend who gifted us dinner the night before, gifted us a movie for today. So, Madeleine and I just got back from seeing "Old Dogs" with another friend of ours - Sharon. While I thought it would be a kids movie, it was not really a kids movie.   Madeleine pointed out shortly after we got there that most of the people in the theatre were old...and she was right! There were only two other kids in the whole theatre and I can pretty much gurantee that they were both older kids. The rest of the crowd were geriatrics. It appealed to them, I guess.

Robin Williams and John Travolta were a hoot. It could have been better..but I laughed enough that it made the movie worth it all.

I prayed, I called people, I tried to make plans, I read spiritual literature and still I spiraled. Help came, thank God. I don't want to keep going through these days though. They are so unnecessary I think. I just haven't figured out how not to have them.

It would help if I plan activities with Madeleine for these days. I need more tools and I need more diversions. We need some more games in the house. We need some more craft activities.   I need to learn how to do this better because unless and perhaps even if I find a partner these days will come again.

I need to find a way to learn to nip the spiraling before it starts. The loneliness just gets to me and I can just keep creating detail after detail after detail that helps me go out of control until I'm lost and afraid and anxious and believing that nothing will ever get better. I'm better today. Plans definitely help.

It occurred to me that Tony was in my life for the last couple of years so even if we weren't a couple, we did keep each other company. He was there last Thanksgiving weekend. We might not have spent Thanksgiving day together, but we did spend part of the weekend together and I know for both of us having the other person around helped us not feel so lonely. I spent so much time worrying about him too that I didn't have to think about my situation as much.

It isn't the reason to have a partner, but I want someone to share life with again. I want a person in my life - a man - to enjoy and spend these holidays with and plan and experience joy and all the things that come along with thtat. Someone who will embrace Madeleine and treat her like his own. I want to feel connected. This has alluded me in my life...feeling connected and wanting to stay in that connection.

I want to change my script. I'm positive that it doesn't have to be this way. That I don't have to spiral. That there is love out there for every day of the year. I hear another voice .....you know....that one "you have to love yourself first"...I've always believed that I can't have a partner because "I don't love myself enough" and once I do it will be a piece of cake. Somehow I don't think that's fair. There are plenty of people in the world who struggle with loving themselves and they still have a partner in life. "I can do this!".

All I know is I don't want the feelings to overtake me the way they did this weekend. I'm determined to find another way. Help me universe, God, light of life. Help me.

p.s. being off the anti-depressants has changed many things for me - good and bad.   One of the good things is its given me the fight for life back even when I do go through these low points.....

Your Soul is Rooting for You

2009-11-27T11:56:00.006-07:00

A friend of mine sent this to me this morning. She received it in her in box. She received it from http://whitehottruth.com/. Thanks!

I loved it and thought I'd pass it on.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T06:10:00.004-07:00

Gratitude List (for today)

Being alive
Madeleine
This beautiful property that we live on
The enormous support and help I have gotten from people in my life during this trying time - it amazes me sometimes.
My incredibly kind neighbors and the people who own my house - Boni Le and Robert
To have food in the fridge and clothes on my back
Linda, Shana, Nancy, Sharon
Unemployment insurance
Jack, Ellie, April (the pets)
Roses
My camera
Gas in my car (lol)

People who are in my life where something needs to be healed and I love you:

My sister
My niece

People (and beloved pets) who have come and gone who I'm thinking of today:

Tony
Cindy
Julie
My Dad
Laura
Joweyne

Things I pray for today

To be the best mother I can be
To heal the weight issue that has been crushing my soul (and whatever is the cause) and find my way back to a healthy life style
To find a way to be self supporting in a way that honors my role as a mother and allows that to come first
To clear the cobwebs from the vision for my life that lives inside of me
To live in an attitude of service

Amen

Sunday Devotional (from MMB)

2009-11-22T07:02:00.002-07:00

H1N1?

2009-11-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday or Wednesday of this week I got sick...suddenly. When I get a cold or flu, I usually have some indication of it coming on -- start feeling run down, get a sore throat and know that I'm getting sick. This happened in a matter of minutes really. One minute I was fine and the next minute I felt like I had a full blown cold. I still didn't think much of it...just thought I had a cold. The next day I felt a little worse and the next day when I coughed it hurt and I hadn't even coughed that much over the past two days...and I felt even worse! I went to the doctor on Friday and she pretty much told me I had H1N1 in less than 2 minutes. She said that one of the common symptoms of H1N1 is the sudden onslaught.

Well, I question pretty much everything. How does she know I have H1N1 if she didn't give me some type of test? Perhaps it is one of a million other strains of flu going around? It IS just a flu. I've heard people say that there is vomiting along with everything else with H1N1 which I don't have at all. My chest hurts, I feel miserable and all I want to do is sleep. Even now as I write this. I want to go back to bed and I will in just a minute.

Whether this is or is no H1N1, I definitely have a flu. Sometimes good things come out of these trials we have and this was one of those times. My sister and I have been estranged for a while. We haven't been talking, she removed me from her e-mail and dropped me as a Facebook friend. So goes life with two sisters who've had a cyclic relationship of being really, really close and then not so close and really, really close and then not so close for most of our lives.

As I was coming home from the doctor I thought I really need help this weekend. Madeleine can't stay here...she just has to go somewhere else while I go through this. I decided that despite the fact that my sister and I weren't speaking that surely she would watch Madeleine given that I was really sick. I got home and listened to my messages and found a message from my sister. And what did the message say? - "I'm wondering if Madeleine can come over this weekend. I'll pick her up tonight and bring her back tomorrow. If she doesn't want to sleep over I can pick her up in the morning and she can spend the day with us."

These types of things happen with my sister frequently. I don't know why we are in sync this way but it does happen quite a bit. I called her back and left a message that I was going to call her when I got home to see if she could watch Madeleine for the weekend. She called back, we talked for a bit about how funny it was that we both had the same inclination for this weekened and she said that she would pick Madeleine later in the day.

Phew..I really needed the help. So Madeleine is off with Aunt Sue, Cousins Ben and Ryan and probably so excited to be doing something different this weekend having been kind of stuck in our little town for so long cause I never have any money to do anything at the moment. This will change...I just know it will. :)

So H1N1, Flu or whatever it is...it gave Madeleine a break from me and me some alone time that I needed. To bad I can't really enjoy it. I'm off to make some chicken noodle soup and watch some old movie that I haven't seen in a while or ever and sleep.

Letting go of...

2009-11-19T05:08:00.002-07:00

As much as I loved the picture of Madeleine and I on my profile page, I thought it was about time to change it and update it to match the current day. I guess I'm really trying to stay in the present and let go of the past.

I think I mentioned that I cut my hair off and as days goes by I love it more and more for the shear fact that I don't have to mess with it. I go in the shower, get out, put a little gel in it and I'm off and running. I think the whole desire of cutting the hair off was a symbolic gesture of letting go of the past and starting a new for me. It feels like this whole time of not having a job is about renewal, letting go, creating a different present and future.

One of the things I've been creating lately is having people over for dinner. I'm trying for once a week - although it might have to be every other week soon. I've always wanted to fill my house with friends and family. I love sitting around the table at dinner and talking about life and current events and our lives. I want Madeleine to feel the presence of people in our home. It feels to me for a lot of my life I've always gone to other people's homes but rarely had people at my home for fear of who knows what.

I'm certainly not doing it perfectly. But I'm doing it. My meals have been welcomed and enjoyed and Madeleine gets to have a house full of people. This past Sunday my friend Nancy and her family came over (4 kids, Dad and Nancy) and it was lovely. My house was messier than I wanted it to be. I had planned to get the place in order. But, I was also busy getting ready to be "chorister" at the church and there was an overwhelming amount of work to be done.

What ended up happening is it gave me the impetus to get the place cleaned up for our next visitors. I have managed to clean every room and clear out some of the debris. The trick now is to keep up with it and continuing the process of clearing out and letting go since that is where it seems I am these days.

12 years old and .....

2009-11-18T05:10:00.001-07:00

When I was in High School I basically had two boyfriends: Mike for the first two years and Michael for the remainder. I referred to them that way and still do so I can separate them out in my head and heart.

Lately a lot of memories are coming back to me or are always there but I've wanted to record them lately. I was out riding the other day and I guess because I've become defensive when people ask "why haven't your found a job yet?" or in this particular time period my sister and I are estranged and I think part of the reason is that she just can't handle what I'm going through and has a lot of judgments about the way I'm handling things.

With that, the other day I was out riding with all this defensiveness going on in my head about my work life. The truth of which is I've been working since I was 12. I've always liked to work, I don't have a problem with working and I'm not avoiding work now. I happen to enjoy work. I enjoy the act of working, I enjoy the interaction that comes along with work and feeling the sense of accomplishment that comes along with working.

At 12 I started babysitting 3 little boys on a regular basis. Jonathan, the older brother and two younger twins Andy and Scotty. I bring that up because I've recently befriended a couple from church "Andy" the wife and "Scott" the husband. I've found myself referring to them in my head as "Andy and Scotty" and I couldn't at first figure out why until I started thinking along the lines of work and how long I've been working and all the jobs I've had, etc., etc.

Well, when I was 14/15 years old I had a boy friend named "Mike"..my first boyfriend really. There were a group of us kids that would "hang out" at Mike's house along with his brother "Pat". There were a few things I remember about this house and our "hanging out" time there. One of them being we got away with a lot there which is why we hung out there. His mother was an alcoholic and starting drinking beers at 8 in the morning. I remember that her birthday was August 1 because it was so close to mine. I'd come over early in the morning and I'd sit with her in the kitchen while she cooked and drank her beer. I felt sorry for her I think but also knew that there was nothing I could do for her. I believe that she gave up drinking later in life from what I've gleened from conversations with Mike more recently. I was happy to hear it.

Mike had 4 brothers and 2 older sisters if my mind remembers correctly. It wasn't that big of a house for that many kids and the 5 brothers slept in twin beds that surrounded a pool table in the downstairs of the house. The pool table from what I remember acted as dressers for all the boys, unless we were playing pool and then all of the clothes would end up on the beds. The girls of the crew of kids that hung out and I have no idea how we got into doing this would clean this room. Perhaps because their Mom just wasn't really there because of the drinking. I can specifically remember using Scrubbing Bubbles bathroom cleaner to clean. I have no idea why I remember this, but I do.

While the house was not that big, the backyard was huge and they lived on the Great South Bay on Ocean Avenue in the town I grew up in. They were really on the Bay and not on a canal where most waterfront homes were. They had an old wooden boat with a cabin that sometimes ran and sometimes didn't but we always managed to get the engine started.

We went through a period of time where we all wanted to make money and somehow we got into going out in the bay to what was known as "seeded" areas of clams and clam, bring the clams back in and Mike's mom would take the bushels of clams to area restaurants and sell them. We would then all split the money. I remember coming home a couple of times with 40 or 50 dollars in my pocket from clamming shocked that I had that I could make that much money at such a young age. I know that what we were doing was not totally legal and I had a lot of nervousness about that...but we were a bunch of crazy kids with a lot of ideas, I guess, for making a buck.

This was a short lived job that was followed by my life in the produce section of Foodtown where I stayed until the summer after my first year of college when I decided that I wanted to spend the summer at the beach and not among fruits and vegetables in Foodtown. I guess I was blessed even then that I could make that decision. I don't think my Dad was happy about it though.

The rest of my work life is another story but I guess my point is that work is in my bones and I will find another job and get on with it.

Cinque Terre

2009-11-13T08:15:00.003-07:00

On Veteran's Day my friend Linda and I took our kids hiking to the Hieroglyphic Canyon Trail in Gold Canyon in the Superstition Mountains. It said it was an easy hike, but it wasn't .. at least for me. I took a walking stick and I made it all the way to the Hieroglyphic Canyon. The trail was so rocky. I wish I knew! That was what made it so difficult. The distance was 1.5 miles...not so bad but the rocks!!

I told Linda and the kids to go ahead of me..just go. Every once in a while sweet Madeleine would look back and scream "Mom, are you ok?" and I would scream back "Yes, baby I'm fine! Just go..have fun!!". It saddened me that I couldn't keep up with them..but hey I went, I did it and I made it back to tell about our day. The way down was actually harder than the way up. I took it really slow. Really, really slow and I made it. We all made it.

What I enjoyed most of that hike was that Madeleine had fun. She loves to hike! We went alone a week a go or so and she wanted to be with other people. I was mad.."why doesn't she just want to hike with me?" But you know? She was right to want to be with a group. We both had a lot more fun. She could run ahead with the kids and I didn't have to feel like I was keeping her back.

A lot of times lately when I go on an adventure of some sort I'm reminded of some other adventure I went on in my life. This time, well two things came up. One less significant than the other ...so I'll start with that.

I spent a good portion of my 30's in upstate New York in the Woodstock/Phoenicia area going to "Pathwork" weekends studying Pathwork lectures uncovering my "lower self" so that I could truly be close to God and live most of my life in my "higher self". For 5 years I drove upstate from the city one weekend a month leaving on a Friday night, coming back on Sunday evening and learning everything I could about these lectures, the meaning of life, getting really close to the people I went with and having fun in the process as well. This a story unto itself so I'll leave it for a full post at a later date.

In this time I went hiking a lot in the Catskill mountains. While the landscape of Gold Canyon was completely different from the Catskills, Gold Canyon reminded me of Woodstock and the Superstitions of the Catskill mountains.

On another note I was reminded of a hike I took in Italy in 1999 with my roommate from college Tori. I say my roommate from college...and since I didn't graduate college until I was older, I will clarify that this was my roommate from college, the first time around. I didn't graduate back then but Tori and I roomed together for a year and a 1/2 and became quite close and kept in touch. Anyway I finally graduated from college in 1998 and the following summer I decided to take that back packing trip through Europe that most kids will take at 22. I was 37 going on 38. We hiked the mountains between two of the "Five Towns" along the Mediterranean. I believe we started out in the town of Riomaggiore and hiked to Manarola although I'm not 100% sure. It was a vigorous hike and we were hiking with our traveling backpacks on our backs - and fronts!

When we were in college Tori was weight conscious and always felt uncomfortable with her weight. I think back on it now and I imagine that she wasn't overweight at all. I on the other hand was skinny as a rail in college happily eating whatever I wanted and ignorant of what that would mean as I got older. Well, when we went on this trip almost 20 years later Tori was in awesome shape and while I thought I was in good shape seemed always to fall behind on our trek. I got so frustrated that I couldn't keep up with her and I was totally weight conscious and feeling REALLY overweight.

I guess I thought about it so much because while 10 years is a long time and that was about 10 years a go it also isn't that long a go! The amount of weight I've gained since then is about 100 pounds and the knees that were able to transverse those mountains 10 years a go both up and down felt almost like they weren't going to hold me up on this hike a week a go.

Oh gosh! The weight thing permeates everything for me these days, doesn't it? It really is about my weight and my knees and my desire to be able to do more with Madeleine. I've gotta keep that body moving and lose the 100 pounds! By 50, I say.

I've been riding my bicycle with Ellie and taking walks and working in the yard and well, taking hikes. I haven't lost a pound and I don't think the movement will do it for me....it's definitely the food.

Despite the "weight" and "knee" issue it has brought to the surface for me, it was nice to remember Cinque Terre and my other travels. How life can change in 10 years. A lot has happened. I hope the next 10 years will bring more adventures and travels. I miss that part of my life a bit. With one child I can travel. I'm lucky. It's a reason too to get back in shape. I'll get there. I will get there.

M is for Madeleine

2009-11-12T16:17:00.002-07:00

is for Madeleine! And Mommy! And Michele! And?

Veteran's Day Plans

2009-11-11T05:52:00.000-07:00

Off on a hike this morning with a friend and her kids. I've been up 1/2 the night. I'll be fine til this afternoon....when I am babysitting some other friend's kids. :) Pictures to follow.

Thank you all service men/women who work to try and keep our country safe................

Angels Among Us

2009-11-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

I truly believe that there are angels all around us in human form. My old therapist in New York always told me that Claudio was an angel in my life. I'm still trying to wrap my arms around that one..BUT..a couple of months a go a woman in her mid 60's at my Ward (Church building for those unfamiliar with LDS lingo) - the chorister in Relief Society (a one hour meeting every Sunday for the woman of the Ward) asked me if I would fill in for her as chorister for a couple of months because she was going away. I did. A few weeks after I did this I was speaking with the Bishop and I told me in that meeting that I really need a calling as I've been in the Ward since February and still didn't have a calling. He said "Oh, I already thought we called you as the chorister"? I said, "no that was just temporary." He said "No. We called you full time, I guess you haven't been told yet." I said "OK then, I guess I'm the chorister!" I have no idea what I'm doing but I will learn and do the best I can.

What does the chorister do, you ask? Well, I look at the lesson for each week and choose three songs: the opening song, a practice song and a closing song. Then, I practice the three songs and basically lead the singing in Relief Society. It's fun and I envision liking it more and more as I get more confident in what I'm doing.

Speeding things up a bit, yesterday this same woman from who was the chorister called me and said "you need to come over. I have something for you. Can you come today?" I said "yes! I have a meeting in a couple of hours, I'll stop by on my way to town." Well, I stopped by and she said "I want to help you!" And, we played a couple of church songs and stood in front of the mirror and watched ourselves conducting. She said "you need to make sure everyone can see your arms!" and "keep your head up and smile!". So we did this. for a while and then she said "I have such a sense that I'm supposed to help you get your life energy back! - I don't know what it is I just feel like I'm supposed to help you!!"

After this, she asked if she could fix up the back of my hair and I said of course! She did. She also told me not to let anyone shave it because I will look like a boy.

Then, we got to talking about theater and she asked me if I was ever in a play because I have a presence about me. I said "Well YES, I was in a play once in the mid-90's when I was taking acting classes and a director friend of mine needed actors to play adult roles in a local college's played". I play an old drunk woman and a young Jackie O type Mom in the same play. I wish I could remember the name of the play but it escapes me. Anyway she said that they always need people in the local community theatre. She gave me the name of the person to contact. In the spring they are doing the Wizard of Oz and I'm going to see if Madeleine might want to be a part of it. It would be a blast for her and I and I'm sure it would be an awesome experience.

Lastly she said she would look into getting us free tickets to the current play "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" and she would love for Madeleine and I to come with she and her grandchildren to the performance.

I got a call a couple of hours later that she did, in fact, get tickets for us and we are all going together.

Our time together yesterday was short...perhaps 1/2 hour. We are all angels to each other and this person is an angel to me. Awesome!

Lost and Found

2009-11-09T14:40:00.001-07:00

My house and my life has been a game of lose it, find it lately. On any given day I can't find my keys, my brush, "the other shoe", the leash, the scissors (we have 4 pairs), a pen (we must have thousand), my glasses (I now have three pairs) and any myriad of other necessary daily items. Have you been through this?

I've thought for a long time ....well since the buzz word was invented 20 years a go (don't quote me on that) that I have ADD. I found an article called "A Quilted Career" on a table at some career networking meeting I went to on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. I then found a book about ADD and devoured it. I thought I had found the key to all of my problems!! It it MUST be the reason I lose my keys all the time, can't concentrate often, jump from one subject to the other in a millisecond, etc. This book led me to a support meeting. I want to tell you when I went to that ADD meeting I thought I would be among my peers, not feel all alone. I ended up in a room of only men, all geeky and I couldn't call it a support group at all. They were arguing about doses of Ritilin, what really determines someone as having ADD and I left pretty quickly disappointed that I wasn't going to find my "peeps" in that meeting. Still, I was convinced I had ADD. After the idea settled in a bit I realized whether I had ADD or not...it didn't matter, I was just going to live with it and accept that it was a part of the fabric of my soul.

When I lived alone in my litte 4th floor walk-up apartment for as long as I did, I didn't lose things as much. I had a hook at the front door where I habitually put my keys when I walked in the door. I had a job that was intense and the tasks focused and while I still had issues around the ADD, the tackling of other peoples computer issues was good for me and the routine intense enough that it kept my wandering mind at bay.

Fast forward to lately. I'm losing things like crazy as I said. Well, yesterday I probably couldn't find at least 5 things by 10:00 in the morning. We were going to church that day and I so wanted to look 1/2 way decent. A friend of mine lent me a curling iron and I was even going to curl my hair. As you know I'm off the anti-depressants and there are times when I just get frustrated. I'm working on this. Really, really working on this.

Yesterday though when after not being able to find: my camera, my license and insurance cards, my keys and coupled with my desire to be on time and looking as good as I could for church when it came time to do my hair and I couldn't find a brush to brush my hair...I lost it! I lost it and decided I'm sick of trying to find a brush to brush my hair and I went in the bathroom and cut my hair off. All of it. Yes, all of it. Here is the result:

As I was ending my haircut extravagantza , our neighbor who owns the property was coming over to give me some clothes she found for Madeleine at a yard sale. Madeleine had opened the door and let her in. I came out from back of the house took one look at her as she was saying "your hair looks really good short" and I started balling. I told her what had happened - that I had slight melt down....and she said no worries...she has been through that many times (never cut her hair off though) and said that while she doesn't cut hair her daughter could fix it up for me, we could moose it up and all would be fine. It turns out I got my period yesterday also which explains some of why I was out of my mind a bit yesterday but all is good.

My neighbor has been an angel to us and this was no exception. Her daughter fixed my hair, geled and moosed it and we were off to church.

Madeleine had mixed reactions to my outburst...she was fascinated on the other hand. She's ok. We're ok.

As a metaphor I think this "losing it" and losing my hair is me finding myself again. Slowly, with mistakes but something big is happening in my life right now and strength is returning to my soul.

Roses they are a bloomin

2009-11-05T00:01:00.001-07:00

The many rose bushes are blooming around our property. Wish I had a better camera to show them off!

The begininng of the "Play Date" and other MAD news

2009-11-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

Well, lets see.......

I got another babysitting gig and can thus add gas to my car and by some cat food.   Yippeee! That was the extent of my excitement for yesterday.

No, not really. Madeleine had a play date at our house yesterday. This was her first real "playdate". The 2 girls have been talking about it since last Friday when her DFM (dear friend's mom) and I decided to do this. The school is doing a program called "character counts" and everyday one of the things I see on a chart is Madeleine's behavior. There are four colors for behavior: green, yellow, orange and red. Madeleine was a consistent "green girl" until about a month a go and SUDDENLY all those beautiful greens started turning YELLOW. I bumped into the teacher and said "Madeleine must be coming out of her shell, huh?" and she said "oh yeah"! and giggled.

I don't consider yellow bad so I'm not all that concerned BUT evidently she has turned into quite the chatter box.   Madeleine's DF (dear friend) had never gotten a yellow in school until yesterday when Madeleine and she were talking incessantly about their play date and what they were going to do (mind you they had ideas that were not going to come to fruition). When DFM came to pick up DF she began telling me how Madeleine might be a good influence on her shy daughter. And then...I told her about the yellow and I said "maybe not". Her mom said she had told the teacher on more than one occasion that DF would eventually come out of her shell and no longer be a constant green queen so DFM was not too concerned.

The two had a really nice time and next week Madeleine gets to go to DF's house for another play date.   They road the bus together here and were very excited about that independence. They will do the same next week.

On another MAD note, and maybe I've said this before, Madeleine is each day convincing me more and more that she is a future clothes designer that will be ready to design her own clothes line before she leaves high school. As of late she has been creating shirts out of paper (or patterns perhaps?) and most recently has begun cutting clothes..YES cutting CLOTHES. First it was a pair of pajamas and I was ok with that but now she has managed to cut up two shirts. The pajamas were turned into a matching top and skirt. The shirts are being cut up and rearranged. One shirt was turned into a pair of shorts - that need to be sewed up, of course. What's a mother to do? I am hopefully going to get her a sewing machine for kids at xMas with the new job Ihaven't found yet. :)

I better check up on her right now. She is in her room with the door shut and not answering my shouts. She is, I'm sure in the midst of another design. Time to put those scissors away.

The new do

2009-11-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

For someone who is technically inclined, sometimes I just don't think!! I realized all I have to do is take the memory card out of the camera and put it in the computer and voilà I can load the pictures. Duh!

Anyway here is Madeleine's new do...which I love.

Transparency

2009-11-03T07:14:00.000-07:00

I had a family member send me an e-mail yesterday with her concerns no only about what is going on in my life but also about the transparency of my posts on this site. I took my last post down overnight so that I could think about and perhaps regroup about what this site was originally about and decide whether or not I should make some changes not only to my most current post, but also to many of the posts on this website.

I decided to re-post my October 30th post and write a post about transparency and this site's goal. There is no doubt that I am going through a tough time right now and have gone through a lot of "trials and tribulations" since becoming a single mother in 2004. At the time of the birth of Madeleine, I had a very good job making a very good salary. I was able to support us in ways that I can only dream of now.   Had I known about the coming trials over the next few years I think I would have shuddered in my boots.

I am not writing these posts so that my family and friends will worry and "feel sorry for me" and perhaps I have to look at the tone of them and/or carve out a new direction from her. I am writing these posts to tell the truth about what it is like being a single mom from my vantage point. My hope and belief is that I will rise like the Phoenix from the ashes and flourish as a single mom OR a married mom. Little did I know what the culmination of these past 5 years would look like in writing and it is not pretty.

My hope is that someone (another single mom) will see that despite how hard this journey can sometimes be, there is always joy, love, happiness to be had. As hard as this journey has been, I would not trade having Madeleine for the world.   I love her, I love how she has changed me, I love how she teaches me, I love being her mom.

I also want people to see that GOD never gives us more than we can handle and will always make sure we are taken care of. We have always been taken care of. I have found that despite everything, Madeleine and I have always had food on the table. Madeleine has never gone without. She always has enough clothes, enough food and despite my circumstances she is always my number one priority in the day-to-day operations of my life.

I see from this experience however, that being a single mom is not a good idea unless you have the finances and support to prop you up because a lot of people cannot handle the trials and a lot of people cannot handle how different your life is and a lot of people will leave you.

I have focused my life more on being a Mom and less on being a provider. I know that as a single mom I've put myself in a position of having to deal with this dichotomy.   Perhaps I could/should have made the decision to put Madeleine up for adoption so that she could be raised in a proper 2 parent home to grow up in. But I didn't. Perhaps if I really thought that her father wasn't going to be around and I had listened to the words he was saying and the clear actions he was taking I would have taken a different path. But, I convinced myself that he would come around. I trusted that my job would last. And, he did come around - or so I thought and I gave up everything in my world and went to Florida to believe in the crazy dream that her father and I would become a couple and Madeleine would have a mother and a father. Reality slapped me in the face and we had to move on.

So here I sit in the remnants of all that has happened trying to carve out a clear, right, consistent, happy, spiritual, loving home for my daughter and struggling to be both mother and father which I cannot do well. I could focus on the financial and career aspect and my mothering will suffer or/and I can focus on the mothering and the financial and the fathering will suffer. It is my conclusion that it is almost impossible to be a single mother alone. You must have a dedicated support system. You must have a spiritual basis for your life. I still do not have the total support system I need, but I am a survivor and I've created what I can given the circumstances I've lived in and am living in.

What is happening now will change. My hope is that eventually I will figure this all out and we will be thriving and all of the trials of Madeleine's early life will be but a distant memory and someone will look at this site and say ...wow ....things can get better!!   Look at what this person has been through and look at where she is now. My hope. I've always been pretty transparent and I don't intend to change now.

Waking Up

2009-11-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes getting to a place of health - body, mind and spirit requires one to go through and heal all of the feelings that have been bottled up inside once we wake up and SEE what has happened over a period of time. Then we can let go and move forward. I'm waking up and feeling.......and it ain't pretty at the moment.

October 2009

2009-10-30T06:32:00.000-07:00

Another month, another post.

Well, this month has been eventful in perhaps a different way than September but still eventful. I don't have a lot of time to write either because I'm going to Madeleine's school for their Halloween party. I baked cookies - no candy to be had.

Anyway ... October. I did not find a job. I thought that I might be working for Madeleine's old pre-school teacher but as quickly as her assistant (her daughter) said she was leaving she was back. It did tide me through one week for gas. We've managed this month due to a gift from a friend - a gift that I was very grateful for because otherwise I'm not sure what we would have done. We're back to nothing, but we're ok. My medical and food assistance has kicked in and unemployment should kick in in about 2 weeks so we'll have something to keep us going. I'm kind of bound to the house at the moment with no gas - but hey we'll be ok. A friend is taking me grocery shopping this weekend and I'm sure I can get a ride to church on Sunday. Thank goodness Madeleine's school is just over a 1/2 mile away. 11/2/09 UPDATE: I babysat for a friend on Friday night which gave us some gas money. :) I was able to drive to church and get myself to the grocery store ****

With that though, I didn't even know it, but she is on the bus route so to make things easier I had her start taking the bus yesterday which she is thrilled about! A little more independence and there are two kids in her class that take the same bus. The best part about it is it picks her up at the end of the driveway...how lucky is she!! I will go by foot today to her party and a friend will drive us home. We'll make it through this part of our trial like we've made it through everything else.

Madeleine also finally got her cast off. At first she was afraid she would never be able to move her arm again having been stuck in one place for 6 weeks but after a day she forgot she ever had a cast on and she is on to bigger and better things.

We also got her class pictures back and you can just see a tinge of her cast in the picture. Note that her hair is up. Well, just a few a go we got her very long hair cut...short. She LOVES it and so do I. Unfortunately, I don't have pictures to share because Ellie (you know, the puppy) chew threw the wire I use(d) to upload pictures to the computer. I will be able to get this back in order shortly, but not today.

Speaking of Ellie, she has stopped growing so fast. She has also turned into the sweetest and softest dog I've ever known. I have let her out of the kennel at night and she has now decided the bed is HER bed. Now, with Cindy this was not an issue, but Ellie, well, she takes up the entire bottom half of the bed and Madeleine ends up with her feet sprawled over my body. I wake up in the middle of the night and have to rearrange everyone so that I can sleep! We were going to give her away, but I decided to keep her and we are glad I did. Here is Madeleine and Ellie having a moment:

Have I mentioned lately how much I love that little girl. I really, really do!!

In other news I finally when off Cymbalta and as of now have decided I will NEVER go on an anti-depressant again in my life. For nearly two weeks I felt like I had the flu. My brain felt and still feels detached from my skull and I realize that it has done more harm than good. If your depressed on an anti-depressant and it takes away your motivation, I can't think that is a good thing. I spoke of my anger back in June when off anti-depressants and while I have had a couple of anger spots this month it isn't as bad as I imagined. Perhaps because I'm not working and don't have as much time pressure. I decided that I should do it while I wasn't working because I could go through this bad period without that pressure.

I have a lot on my plate, I really do but I can only go through this one day at a time. It could be better and it could be worse....so "it is what it is" as someone reminded me of a while back.

My sister-in-law asked me if I've thought of coming back ot New York. Yes, I have. At least for today, it just doesn't feel right. I wanted to move away from there for so long that I think going back is not the answer. My 5 year old designer daughter who is already asking for a sewing machine may disagree...but I'm not ready to move back to the northeast or New York. This may change but for now that is my story and I'm sticking to it.

I do need to find a way to bring an income in. Some new things have happened here. I have been going to the churches employment center and they have a weekly seminar on resume writing. I already knew I needed to updated my resume, but I clearly need to make some serious changes so that it will make it through all of these companies scanning systems. It turns out that one's resume might not ever make it to anyone's desk if the resume doesn't have the right wording in it. It will be spit out by a computer and never seen by anyone. I've had a lot of anxiety about changing it..but I must.

I truly loved working with the pre-schoolers at Madeleine's old school. I adore them actually. I also volunteered again at Madeleine's school this week and love being around the little ones there as well. My dilemma? I want to make good money - really good money so I never have to go through this SHIT again. I also do not want to be at anyone's beck and call again. Quite frankly - it sucks! I'm a hard worker and I know that but it also takes the right set of circumstances to really make me shine. My last job did NOT help me shine. The situation was not right for me.

As hard as it sometimes was to work at Wachtell - the one and only place I ever lasted as long as I did (and I didn't want to go there initially)...something about it helped me shine. While there was a high expectation of producing good work, there was also a subtle and underlying commeraderie and trust - I had proved myself early on to the attorneys and that never went away and they in turn let me experiment, grow, stumble, learn and prosper.......I know it was difficult there and perhaps I'm able to color it rosy now that so much time has gone by.....but something in the mix was right for me and I want to be able to shine again in whatever I do. I want what I do to matter to the people I'm doing it for.

One of my older sisters has consistently suggested the government. I think about it and then think a bureaucracy might not be good for me. BUT, there are other things I need consider in all of this: Madeleine. She will be 18 and going away to college when I'm 61. Not only does that totally make me want to puke, I want to buckle over because of the fear of that thought. I need to make sure we have some kind of safety net. Insurance, savings, a pension. I am thinking of these things and it is scaring the living crap out of me. Which leads to another on-going thought and issue:

My weight. If I don't get this weight off and do something about my knees and arthritis I may very well be in wheel chair at 61. Seriously. I'm absolutely serious about this. I must, must, must light a fire under my butt and get the show on the road in this area of my life!! I am in so much pain and I hate it. I took the dogs for a walk and my hips started hurting and I couldn't believe it. I love walking and that was hurting. I figure the weight is a big factor in all of my physical issues - carrying around 130 EXTRA pounds is a lot of extra weight. This I need God's help with because I'm obviously not able to do anything about it left to my own devices.

My last thought cause I've got to go to Madeleine's party is I've been given a "calling" at my church: Chorister in Relief Society. I did this for a few weeks while someone went away and enjoyed it. I'm nervous it but I'm happy to have a calling. It makes me feel better and it helps me to feel like I'm contributing something to someone...I just need to make sure I study before the big day every week. I need to study the song, the tempo, etc. Today would be a good day to start practicing. After the party.

Perhaps I will write more this month, perhaps not but these are my goals for November (note: I was only successful in one of my goals for October and I had nothing to do with it except get Madeleine to the doctor so they could get the cast off)

Goals for November:
Be one step closer to having a job- FINISH working on my resume
Write everyday - everyday, everyday, everyday
Pray 2x's per day - and one time with Madeleine
Read Scriptures everyday
BE aware of everything I'm grateful for
Consciously and unknowingly do 29 things for other people by the end of the month
Write a letter to my step-mother (I haven't spoken to her or written her since Mother's Day)
Keep the house clean
Love

September 2009

2009-09-30T03:18:00.002-07:00

I just had an entire post here that I deleted because I decided to start over.

September came and is about to leave soooo quickly. I could sware yesterday was labor day! I really need to keep a daily journal because I don't remember what has happened this entire month. My brain has gotten very foggy as I've gotten older!!

We celebrated my sister's birthday at a restaurant in Central Phoenix called "True Food Kitchen". This restaurant has all natural selections and is based on the eating philosophy of Dr. Andrew Weil. My sister is heavily into him and she was very excited that there is a restaurant in Phoenix that promotes him. I loved it but could certainly not afford to go there on a regular basis - at least not right now....expensive! Here are some pictures. Why I couldn't get us all in one picture is beyond me but here we all are. I'm just learning how to use this new blogger enhancement where you can put more than one picture on a line - which is awesome - so it took me a while to get these pictures aligned.

The Birthday Girl

On Labor Day weekend we went to the West Phoenix Valley to catch up with and meet some cousins - 1st, 2nd, 1st once removed, etc. We really had a nice time. Madeleine hadn't been in her cast very long - hot pink and we brought little Ellie (our white lab) with us.

The rest of the month is a blur mostly. A snake on the patio. Madeleine's pink cast changing to glow-in-the-dark.

Watching Ellie grow...and ...grow....and grow.

and deciding to give Ellie up and then changing our minds.

A month where my money ran out way before I anticipated and struggling to keep us afloat.

A month when I started looking for a job and also realized I had no idea what I wanted to do.

A month when Madeleine started to read, ever so slowly with words the size of a pea.

A month when everything was no longer and we have no idea what's next.

Goals for October:
Write everyday
Find a job
get Madeleine's cast off................................................................................

Circa 1919?

2009-09-23T05:53:00.000-07:00

Madeleine and Ellie - Blissful Sleep

2009-09-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

Cindy.........................

2009-09-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

I want to have this really positive website where I can share great things happening and oh so spiritual and lovely and yet that is not my life for today. I was so inspired by reading "Just Alaska". She writes every Tuesday things that make her smile for the week and adds pictures about Juneau every Friday - bloggers sharing about their communities. I would like to incorporate things like this to my site.

For today I can tell you that Madeleine, Ellie and Jack on a daily basis make me smile. Inspired talks at church make me smile. The land where we are blessed to live on makes me smile. The funny things that Madeleine and other kids say make me smiling. Taking pictures make me smile. The fact that I finally have Madeleine's room in order makes me smile.

But, I must admit that right now, well not right now, but lately "sadness has engulfed my soul". I don't want it to be that way..but it has. A week a go this past Thursday we lost our beloved chihuahua girl Cindy. It was a tragic accident that left Madeleine and I very, very sad. She was with us all of the time. She slept with us, rode in the car with us, followed us around whenever she could. She was a part of our family and she is sorely missed.

In Arizona it is very, very important never to leave an animal or child in the car with doors or windows shut for any length of time.....I guess this goes for anywhere..but here especially because the temps are so high. I have always been very aware of this. In fact, Cindy would jump in the car with me to go to pick up Madeleine and I would leave the car on and the air conditioning running when I got out of the car to go get Madeleine. This happened that Thursday. Everything was fine. Cindy also had a terrible habit of staying in the car when we returned home and jumping in the car whenever she could. I would leave the door open so she could run out (she was small so we would be always playing a game, I would go to the front door to get her out and she would jump in the back, I would go to the back and she would go to the front and hide under the seats...I'd call Madeleine and we would have to corner her ..hence the idea of just leaving the door open so she could jump out). This time the door got closed and our sweet innocent Cindy was inside. I was tired, Madeleine and I were in a bit of a bicker, we went inside and about an hour later I looked around, looked at Madeleine, looked at the glass doors leading outside and realized that Cindy was no where to be found. I ran out to the car to find her laying on the floor. I was horrified. She was still alive. I picked up her very limp body and put her in water. Found keys and high-tailed it to the vet. The vet iced her down, put an i.v. in her and gave her shot of steroids. Her temperature went from 106 when we got her there (too high) to 93 (too low). They then were covering her with blankets to increase her temp to normal. It did get up to 97. It was close to 5 O'clock at this point and they wanted me to keep her over night even though everyone was gone at 6 and no one would be there to watch her....so I said we were taking her home The vet warned me that it would be a very long night and that she might die. I stayed up with her until 4:15am...when in fact Cindy passed away. I knew by about 2am that she wasn't going to make it.

Madeleine woke the next morning and asked how Cindy was. Madeleine was going to school and to her it looked like she was sleeping so that is what I told her because I couldn't bear to tell her at that point that she passed away and I didn't want her to go to school with that information.

My dear and sweet neighbor and landlord offered to bury Cindy. I thought this would be better than bringing her to the vet to be taken who knows where. At least we can visit her grave here. Madeleine does almost every day.

I've gone through every feeling in the book. Guilt, anger, fear, saddness, shame. How could I let this happen? How could I have so much on my mind to not realize sooner that Cindy might be in the car? It was a tragic accident that I wish I could take back ....and can't. This came just a week after Madeleine broke her wrist and just a few short weeks after we got Ellie. I hit myself too because I wonder if we didn't get Ellie if I would have been more aware.

I don't know...all I know is we just have to keep moving forward.

Cindy was a light in our lives..an angel really. She was the kookiest dog I ever knew. I often said I didn't like small dogs...and then we got Cindy...and I fell in love with her. I just adored her from the minute we got her. Madeleine misses her greatly and I hate that she had to suffer yet another loss.

Adding this to the pile of s--t that has happened this year....I must say this has not been a great year. I'm thinking a lot about choices...I feel like this has been a year spiraling downward based on choices.

I have more to say but this post is dedicated to Cindy - our beloved Cindy. May she be running free in heaven, chasing dogs that are chasing balls and by side of Tony H. and Maggie.

How did you Break it?

2009-08-27T02:52:00.003-07:00

I have never broken a bone in my body. At least not yet. I still have time I suppose. I had no intentions of participating in the writer's workshop this week. I was just going to see how things were going. Then I saw it: "How did you Break it?" So this is not my story, it is my daughter's - you know Rose - Madeleine Rose that is of Allegra Posts for Rose.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009. I go about my day as usual. I make breakfast for Madeleine, nudge her to finish her kindergarten homework, make her lunch, help her pick out her clothes, get us out the door and around the block to school. She seemed soooooo happy this morning. She seemed finally integrated, playing with kids as I watch from the bench at the playground. When I told her I was leaving she waved and continued to play while the bell loomed close - ushering them in to school.

I've been helping her pre-school teacher (Montyne) in the mornings this week. She needed help because her daughter - her assistant had a baby. We bartered. Madeleine can go there whenever I need her in the afternoons after school while I'm looking for a job. It is a win-win for both.

So, I'm feeding the kids and my phone rings. I tell Montyne that I'm not going to answer it. I'll get it in a bit. One hour later, having left Montyne's and ready to pick up Madeleine on her early release day and awaiting a wonderful afternoon at the pool with a friend and her kids that have been away for most of the summer I check my messages. Dread.

Dread, dread, dread.

Why didn't I pick up the phone?

The nurse speaks from my voicemail "Michele, this is blah, blah, blah - the nurse at Madeleine's elementary school" I need you to call me back as soon as possible. That is A.S.A.P.

I pound (#) to check the next message. My sister - "uh, Michele, I just got a call from Madeleine's school, um, Madeleine fell from the monkey bars. I don't know where you are but I'm going to pick her up"

I sit in the car asking myself in my head again and again "why didn't I pick up the phone?"

Anyway, I call the school and they tell me that my sister has picked her up. I call my sister and she tells me that she has Madeleine...where should they go? We meet, she follows with Madeleine in her car and we go to the nearest emergency room. A great hospital I might add.

We got there and park. I run to my sister's car and immediately go to Madeleine's side. She is crying and in great pain. I can't see the broken bone because it is wrapped up in gauze or something. Without me having to ask she says "I FELLLLLLLLLLLLL OFFFFFFF THE MONKEY BARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" "MY HANDS WERE SWEATY AND I FELL"

We proceed to the emergency room entrance get checked in and are ushered to a room pretty quickly. I finally get to see the break. Her wrist is deformed or so it seems. I'm hyperventilating inside but I'm trying to keep it cool...although I'm not. We take xRays and see that both bones in her wrist are broken and one bone is overlaying on top of another. The second bone has a break, but is in place. The doctor warns us that she may need surgery. He also says we may need to stay overnight. They can't help her at that hospital because they don't have a pediatric orthopedic. We must be transported to another hospital.

They stabilize the break, give her some pain meds (morphine) and we wait for the ambulance to take us to the next hospital.

The paramedics and ambulance arrive. The paramedic who sits with us in the back has a 7 year old daughter. He treats Madeleine like a princess and keeps her smiling. The morphine did wonders...10 minutes after she had the drip in her arm she was a different person..no longer screaming...happy and feeling no pain. She even said in the first hospital "Mommy, if I need to go to the doctor again, I want to come here"...she also said "except I don't want them to put one of those (and i.v. drip) in my arm". I say ok.

We get to the second hospital and the pediatric orhopedic tells us he can perform the "fracture reduction" in the emergency room. He tells us that Madeleine will be under conscious sedation. I had no idea what this meant. He also said that she would not remember any of what happened. The minute I saw her eyes open but an inability to do anything I was a little freaked out. The doctor told me that when they were repositioning the bone I might want to leave because I might hear cracking. I immediately decide this was a good time to go to the bathroom. When I returned she was still out of it, but the procedure was over.

She starts coming out of it and is totally freaked out because she sees two of me. She starts counting my eyes ... 1, 2, 3, 4 and my nose 1, 2 and my mouth 1,2 and starts crying. She looks at my niece who arrived earlier and she sees two of her and four eyes and 2 noses and 2 mouths and she is beside herself. The nurse tells her to close her eyes and that it will get better. She does. It gets better - eventually. My sister had to leave earlier but returns with food, and my two nephews Ryan and Ben. We stand around her. She feels like a
princess. She is treated like a princess. She is a princess for a day.

The blessings for the day were that she was surrounded by family who love her. We experienced angels everywhere we went. Oh, and I still have insurance. Ends Monday. How interesting that this should happen now ... and not in the middle of September?

Madeleine returns to the orthopedic doctors office on Monday for a full arm cast...this will stay on for 4 weeks. This will come off and then she will have a 1/2 arm cast for 2 weeks.

It hasn't been a fun day but we will get through this ...just one more challenge to add to the history books of our lives. Perhaps someone hasn't been through this or has gone through this or will go through this and something here will help them.

After the break has been stabilized and pain medication administered ..so much happier than before

attempts at a smile

Madeleine's first (and only I hope) ambulance ride

Madeleine with her Cousin - Michele

August.....breathe........sigh

2009-08-12T05:30:00.006-07:00

It's August and I haven't written anything here in almost two weeks! I haven't worked since July 31st and I will tell you this is the first time I have had this much time to myself since Madeleine was born and I've been elated! I feel as if a weight has been lifted from me that has kept me buried underneath the surface....and I can breathe....and even talking about it makes me want to cry.

Not to say that I haven't been busy. I'm keeping the time occupied with looking for work, volunteering at Madeleine's school, swimming at the gym, getting back to church and taking on a service position (thank you!), having people over for dinner, going to birthday parties, having a birthday and finding unexpected but welcomed guests coming to see me, catching up with friends on the phone and spending more time on Facebook (ugh - is this a good thing?) Well, and if you've been reading my posts, we have acquired a new puppy named Ellie.

Somewhere in there I've cleaned a little. Not my forte, but the house looks better than it has. It would help to have a dishwasher.

Madeleine's first week of kindergarten went well. She is now in her second week and is adjusting just fine. She does seem to be doing many of the same things she did at pre-school, but I'm sure this is to assess where each of the kids is in their learning abilities.

I volunteered this past Monday and the teacher seemed on top of things and had many methods to keep the kids occupied and interested in what she was discussing. There was a lot of dancing and singing and they were at their desks for only a very short period of time.

This past weekend we had Montyne over for dinner her teacher from preschool. We had a nice time and Madeleine was in heaven having Montyne at our house. We had planned to do this way back when we moved into this house, but it just never worked out.

I actually am going to be helping Montyne out over the next couple of weeks. We are bartering - she will take care of Madeleine when I need her in the afternoons and I will help her over the next few weeks while her daughter Jessica goes off to have her baby (Jessica works with Montyne). I'm actually kind of excited about it. I'm going to a job fair today and she is going to watch Madeleine and tomorrow I will go to Montyne's house and learn the ropes. Next week I will be ready to help out.

Needless to say while I've been unemployed, I certainly have not been free from activity. Phew!

Meet Ellie

2009-08-10T18:21:00.002-07:00

Madeleine & Ellie
Originally uploaded by mallegrac

Yes, I'm crazy, but I always said I wanted to get a puppy for Madeleine when she was Five. She is Five. We got her for a nominal price. It's crazy because I don't have a job, but it is also the best time for me to get a puppy because I don't have a job. She is sweet, very mellow and is already getting the hang of "outside" - although she has had a couple tinkle accidents.

Montyne and Madeleine

2009-08-10T12:57:00.001-07:00

Montyne and Madeleine
Originally uploaded by mallegrac

This is a picture of Madeleine and her beloved teacher for almost two years. I couldn't have wished for a better teacher and role model for my daughter while I worked.

Check in

2009-07-29T07:24:00.002-07:00

I've been too focused and somewhat wound up about my last week of work and Madeleine's last week at Montyne's house and our new situation that starts next week to write here.

I have so many things to do after work ends and as Madeleine begins school that I probably won't focus fully on finding a job for another two weeks.

I have decided that I will sign up for substitute teaching in the district and look into teaching elementary school full time by next year. That way Madeleine and I will be on the same schedule and we'll have off in the summer. I like that idea. Perhaps we'll look into spending our summers elsewhere?

More to say ....but time to get ready.

A Free Day

2009-07-25T06:06:00.002-07:00

When I go over the days of the week with Madeleine we basically have three types: school day, free day and church day. It keeps things simple. For the most part, we only have one free day a week...and this is it! We do what we want, have fun, keep things simple and except for the occasional wedding, dinner plan or fun excursion with friends we take the day as it comes.

Of course, the place is a mess so I'm choosing to stay home and clean a bit this morning. Put things in their place.

It's a little more than a week before Madeleine starts kindergarten and the excitement builds. I did finally call the charter schools and tell them we're not going to be attending this year. I was planning on going to the open house at one of them on Monday, but it doesn't make sense. As sad I sometimes feel, it also feels great that Madeleine will be going to school so close to home! We've never had that before.

I have my first interview next week. I've decided that if I get an opportunity, even if it doesn't seem like something I particularly want, I'm going for the interview anyway. It can't hurt to have that practice. It's been a while.

My last day of work is this coming Friday. Going to work everyday is difficult, but I'm trying to just do as much as I can do everyday. There have been a couple of things that have happened over the past week there that have shot at my confidence and abilities but I've decided I'm not leaving there with my tail between my legs because you know? I did a lot for them. I wasn't the perfect worker by any means, but I know I did more than they asked me to do and I did the assignment that I was originally asked to do. Period. Moving on.

I've worked all of my life...since I was 12...and I've always liked working and tried creative ways
to make it interesting even when the work itself was boring. I know that I've lived below my potential for most of my work life and I've had a lot of pain around that. It doesn't mean I haven't challenged myself or been challenged..but I definitely had (have?) the potential to do more. My insecurities and perhaps my "need" to remain unattached, free, without bounds and who knows what else (believe me I've done enough therapy around this and I'm done) has kept me back.

I was reading some Facebook entries last night and I was reminded of something Elenor Roosevelt said: ""You must do the thing you think you cannot do." and "“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” --

I think it might be time to challenge myself and face some fear and stretch. I've kind of been living in a state of personal homostatis. There have certainly been challenges and changes outside of me, but I've chosen keep myself pretty steady inside for that reason. As Madeleine enters Kindergarten and I leave this job that has kept us safe and fed and housed and stable it might be time..........................................

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2009-07-22T21:01:00.003-07:00

I'm sitting watching some show with Madeleine about a mermaid - "The Thirteenth Year" so I'm 1/2 in and 1/2 out of writing mode. Yes, yes, its a Disney movie.

I have been completely vexed about Madeleine's schooling. I've been pondering it day and night and so frustrated that I haven't been able to make a decision. I talked to a dear friend last night who reminded me that no matter where Madeleine ends up she'll be fine. She also reminded me that I'm allowed to make my life simpler and that if that means she goes to the public school that's o.k. Lastly she reminded me of what I already knew..that some of this has more to do with how I wished my schooling was and wanting her education to be the best! My schooling wasn't so bad actually. I went to one of the best school districts in New York and one of the best school districts in the country..but it was very traditional and I think I could have done better had we had more experiential learning....since this is how I learn best.

I finally am letting go of the charter school idea for now. I actually feel like I'm grieving a loss. A loss of what I wanted for Madeleine. It isn't the end of the world but it reminds me of so many things that I wanted in my life, but they didn't go that way ...they went a different way. To name just a few: wanting to have a natural birth and ending up with a cesarean, wanting to live at the Pathwork Center and instead it closed down, wanting a sober trip to Europe and ending up with two drinkers in my midst....somehow things that I really want...or things that I think I really want slip through my fingers and end differently than I intended them to end up.

As another friend of mine would say...this is actually a high end problem. There are many, many, many, many children in the world who don't have the opportunity of an education at all. And when I look at it that way it doesn't really matter to me and she will be ok.

After I find a job and I know what the landscape looks like, perhaps I can pursue the charter school idea again, but until our lives have some form simpler is better. It may not be what we want, but it is what we need at the moment.

Monsoon Season

2009-07-21T05:53:00.004-07:00

photo courtesy of Ralph Freso of the East Valley Tribune

Monsoon season in Arizona is nothing like monsoon season, let's say, in India, BUT it rains more here during the monsoon than any other time of year. It's so nice when it rains here as I've probably already said a couple of times. We've had a few days of thunderstorms and rain and given the otherwise hot days it is a welcomed relief...aaaaahhhhhh.

Emily stays another day

2009-07-20T06:13:00.004-07:00

Well, Emily is still here. The two little ones are sleeping but I must wake them shortly because we need to start our day. For a number of reasons I thought it was best if Emily stayed another night including Madeleine having a friend for a second night. We will take her across town this evening.

My days of work are coming to a close. I have two more weeks. I've started sending resumes out.

At the same time, Madeleine starts school. The charter school is still on my mind. Yesterday, Madeleine and Emily were creating a long chain out of these clips. I don't even know what they are called, but it is an educational toy. Madeleine was so excited about experimenting with the chain: well if we hook it to this door and that door ...how will it effect the closing of the doors?? The chain links are red, green, yellow and blue and she wanted to see how many different combinations of color they could put together with the links. I am so afraid she is going to get bored in the public school! I am thrilled by the way Eduprize teaches and this is the school I want her to go to.

I never finished this..but I'm publishing it....it is part of my process about Madeleine's schooling.

Madeleine and Emily

2009-07-19T09:35:00.002-07:00

Emily finally arrived at about 1:30 yesterday afternoon. So, as you can imagine Madeleine asked at least another 50 times "when is Emily going to get here". We survived. I'm so happy Emily is here for Madeleine and for me!! I get a break from being the main focus for a few hours.

OK, so Emily is quite a bit older than Madeleine - 3 years. She just turned 8. When they met Emily was 6 and Madeleine was 3. Emily is the youngest of 3 kids and the product of a broken home. She sees her father rarely and isn't connected. Madeleine as you already know is an only child.

First, I think Emily is young for her age. Perhaps 7 instead of 8. And Madeleine is emotionally a little older for her age - perhaps 6 instead of 5. So, instead of 3 years apart, I think they are actually just a year apart emotionally. They play really well together.

The other thing is that Emily loves being an older sister to Madeleine given that she is the youngest. And Madeleine just love having someone to call her sister for a bit. Being an only child is difficult, especially for someone as social as Madeleine. Off topic, but Honestly, here we are living on a farm and I think Madeleine would LOVE living in Manhattan.

When we lived with Tony Emily and her family lived across the street. Despite their ages they became fast friends and spent a lot of time together in the 2 years we lived near each other. Emily now lives on the other side of the Phoenix metro area - 70 miles or so. If it wasn't for Madeleine's relentless requests to see Emily and my relentless phone calls to Emily's Mom - Stephanie because of Madeleine's relentless requests we probably would have never seen her again.

I want to instill for Madeleine that just because people move or we move that we can still continue our relationship with people. We can still see people we love when we don't live close. It my be my own desperation because of the many changes I went through in my life or my desperation because of all the changes I have put Madeleine through in her life. I don't think it's a bad thing as long as we also move on and meet new friends and accept our current situation.

As for what we've done since yesterday: I took them swimming at the Superstition Shadows Aquatic Center in Apache Junction. Slides, whirlpools, sprinklers and more for a whopping $1.00 per child and $1.50 per adult...for a total of $3.50!! Cheapest fun in town!! We ate dinner, played with the puppies, fed the horses, watched a movie and they've been playing -- however wonderful that I can do other things......aaaaaaaaah.

We go to church in a couple of hours and then I've got to get Emily across town - her Mom dropped her off and I said I would take her back. Can you say gas?? I have no idea how I'm going to get her across town..but I'll figure it out before time comes.

Time to take a shower.

Emily

2009-07-18T11:01:00.003-07:00

Madeleine and I are waiting for her friend Emily to come to our house. We have not seen her since January. I am sure she has grown. Madeleine asks me when Emily is coming at least every 5 minutes. Every 5 minutes since 6:30 this morning. She should be here shortly. Thank goodness cause I don't think I can take one more "when is Emily coming Mom?" question.

I think I will take a short nap before Emily comes. More later.

Mama Kat's Writers Workshop

2009-07-16T05:46:00.003-07:00

I never thought about writing about appliances, but this week the prompts led me to this. I thought about writing about 3 things you would want to know about me but I just didn't want to go there today.

Dishwashers, Refrigerators, Microwaves and Washers
Dryers, Vacuums, Ovens and Stoves
which of these appliances would you survive with.....
out

Dishwashers clean the dishes
Fridges keep the food cool
Waves heat the foot
and Washers clean the clothes

Dryers dry
Vacuums suck the dirt
Ovens bake
stoves boil, fry and simmer

Which of these can you do without?

None, I say. I can't live without any of them!
All, I say. I can live without all of them....for a time

What would life be like without?

No dishwasher? I'm doing this now....waiting, waiting, waiting for a new one and in the meantime? Rubber gloves, mile high dishes over and over and over again.

No fridge? I don't think so....melting food, rotting food, dry ice and and an ice box?

No microwave? This, I can do without if I have an stove and oven.

No washer? how does this work? wash on one of those rollers? this I would have a problem with.

No dryer? hang the clothes, hang the clothes, hang the clothes and WAIT. Yes, I could do this but I really don't want to.

No vacuum? I wouldn't like this one bit. My entire house is carpeted except the kitchen, second bathroom and the laundry room. What would I do, sweep the carpet with a broom? No, no, no! In fact I want the best, most expensive vacuum ever. I dream of having a vacuum that sucks up every last particle of dirt, hair and dust. I may be messy but I hate dirt!

No oven? I use this rarely..I could do without this?

No stove? I wouldn't like this...but hey I could do the fire thing.

I'm sure there are other appliances I'm forgetting about, but these are the appliances that come to mind...and with that, I feel complete.

My Typical Morning

2009-07-16T05:28:00.003-07:00

It is 5am and I'm hoping to get up and write and look for a job and be by myself for 5 minutes. Alas this is my typical morning: I wake and put my feet to the floor....Jack, my 10 year old lab pants SO quickly you would think he is about to keel over, Cindy...my 2 year old chihuahua starts jumping almost as quickly as Jack is panting and higher than the height of my hips and scratching my legs at the same time....April, my 15 year old cat starts meowing in sync with Jack's panting and Cindy's jumping. I tell them all to be patient and I will get to them as if they can understand me and I head to take care of myself first in the bathroom (trying to model myself after the message you get on the plane to give yourself the oxygen mask before your kids)...all three push thier way into the bathroom and continue their cacophony while I do my thing. Suddenly from the other room "....mama?........mama? ..........MAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"....I'm in the bathroom sweetie...I'm rolling my eyes with the knowledge that there will be no peace for me this morning -- at least for the moment. I hear her voice again "Mama, its light out, its time to get up."

I feel a lump in my throat, I want to cry, once again I had this idea of peace that will not come.

I open the door to let out Jack and Cindy, I feed April, I turn on the T.V. for Madeleine so she can watch Lilo and Stitch and I accept that this will be a typical morning.

The Job Search Begins

2009-07-15T05:56:00.003-07:00

I'm not happy about this job search at the moment. There was a time when job searching was almost like a game that I knew I would win. That was in my 20's and 30's. And, the truth of the matter is I did very little to find a job then. Within one or two job interviews, I had a job. Now? I'm sure I will be up against all kinds of discrimination - age and weight to name just two.

The last time I seriously looked for a job was the last time I was in New York and it wasn't pretty and I was very frustrated. It seemed like I had passed my prime. I would be invited back for 2, 3, 4 interviews and in the end I lost to someone younger who they would be able to pay less and who had all of the necessary certifications that I did not have. I had experience, but it wasn't enough.

Yesterday everything was finalized at my job about me leaving. I have 2 1/2 weeks left to go. And, at the same time I'm preparing for Madeleine to go to Kindergarten. Given my situation, the most logical place for her to go is the public school around the block, but the full-time kindergarten is full. She is registered at two charter schools one that has full-time and one that sort of has full-time. Both would be inconvenient should I find I job outside of our town.

My boss asked me if I was staying in Arizona - or at least that is what I think he meant. I don't really know what I'm doing yet. I keep going back and forth about it and my Mom always said (and it is one of the few things I remember her saying that I've listened to) if you're not sure stay put. I don' have any idea where we would go if I left. Go back to New York? Really, I have more family here than there and for Madeleine's sake I think staying is a better idea than leaving.

Now, if I get a job in downtown Phoenix, or Scottsdale we will probably have to move closer to town. I've never liked commuting long distances and I don't intend to start liking them now.

I don't even know what I want to do!!

I said in an older post that I dont' want to work for anyone anymore...and I really don't! Guess what? I probably will have to.....ugh. I just want to do something different!!

I'm rambling.....which I will probably be doing a lot of until I figure out what it is I and Madeleine are doing.

We're off for another day of fun.

It's Bastille Day!

2009-07-14T07:25:00.001-07:00

Another Monday Morning?

2009-07-13T06:20:00.002-07:00

Wow! This weekend went fast. After days of being with family our routine returns. There are a few things this particular Monday brings: today is Tony Hurst's birthday (my old roommate who died in April), I have 15 days left of my job, I have to turn Madeleine's application in at her new elementary school.

Yesterday we spent the entire day at my sister's house. Eating, talking, swimming, sleeping and eating again. It was so comfortable and sweet to just have a relaxing day that didn't have any monster events in it..just a lot of interaction with family and friends (again). Today I'm exhausted from our festive weekend and I need a break...but alas...I go to work.

I had a dream last night that my Godmother's daughter was critiquing the writing of several blogs and she came across mine. She critiqued some other blogs saying they were creative, insightful, witty and she got to mine and said stop writing ..this is boring. I felt hurt when I woke up and decided it doesn't really matter if it is boring or not..I'm writing for me and hopefully if someone gets something out of it or enjoys it or whatever it's fine. I'm going to keep writing.

I ready something today on "One Day at a Time" - a fellow blogger who quoted from the Bible:

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour"

I have not been to church in three weeks. I know what I need to do to stay close to God, but I've been choosing not to lately. I know I always come back to God, but am very human and stray. It's actually very simple to get back to God: read scripture, pray, serve - it's time to bring my devotion back to what is good about life. This is my goal for today.

The Wedding

2009-07-12T06:23:00.005-07:00

Well, the Wedding was quite beautiful. The ceremony was outside in the 6:00pm heat of the Arizona summer (it was 111 degrees F yesterday) but despite this, the love of Michele and Devin and the beauty of the ceremony and oh those misters kept us all from killing each other before going inside to "party" as Madeleine excitedly exclaimed when I was telling her the sequence of events for the evening.

I didn't get as many pictures as I would have liked, but I did get a few and I share them here with you:

Yup, the only pictures I took at the wedding were of the bride and my daughter. I was too busy enjoying the ceremony and the party. I also have a hard time when a million other people are taking pictures. It feels intrusive to me and so I was reluctant to over burden them. I would have liked to have gotten a picture of the bridge and groom, but that was not to be. I am sure I will get many pictures of them over the next few days.

We enjoyed a great dinner, danced, enjoyed time with family - those that we see often and those that we don't see too often and went home. It was quite lovely and I was able to let go of whatever sadness (again) I had and just enjoy!

Wedding Day

2009-07-11T07:51:00.006-07:00

Today my two older sisters come to see how Madeleine, Jack, Cindy, April and I live. Here they are at the rehearsal dinner last night with my niece Michele who is getting married tonight:

The place is a mess so I have a lot to do over the next couple of hours. I must say I'm really, really tired...have a headache and feel really sad today. I always end up getting this way when I spend too much time with family.

It is further being compounded by the fact that I've lost my job and everywhere I turn I hear stories of people who have been out of work forever and haven't even gotten an interview. It brings me to a place that I have a couple of choices:

do the teaching thing
work for myself

I really don't want to work for anyone anyway.

Back to the wedding or my niece as the case may be. My niece and I were very close when she was little. She came to see me in 1999 with the exchange student who was living with my sister at the time. They came to see the ball drop in Time Square. I think before this time my niece had me on a pedestal...a very tall pedestal and on this particular trip that pedestal crashed. Our relationship has never been the same. We have a lot to talk about and I've never been able to get her alone for a minute to talk about it. Lately I've really wanted to but the wedding has been looming for months so I just figured I'd wait until after the wedding. So here it is and it is time for us to resolve what happened. I'll see if we can talk when she is back from her honeymoon. I'll certainly have more time because I won't be working.

Here is a picture of my niece and I at the rehearsal dinner:

She didn't used to be so much taller than I...but now well, you can see she is MUCH taller. I love her dearly and she is forever in my heart.

Here is the father and mother of the bride: my sister and her husband Lary:

Lastly my nephew Ryan and Ben are so happy to have their Dad home. He has been living in Alabama since he lost his job back in March because this is where he found a job. My sister and the boys are still living here and the hope is that Lary can move back here rather than all of them going back to Alabama. I too hope they stay. I really don't want them moving to Alabama.

Well, I hope this isn't running like a home video that no one wants to see. Actually, I love home videos and going into other peoples lives for a moment, but some people get really bored.

I had a better time last night than I thought I might. The kids had a blast swimming and playing, there was a running video of Michele and Devin as they grew up and came together with pictures from both of their lives on the television and it was nice to have everyone in the same place. I felt a lot of heart for my beautiful niece and that was enough for everything to be ok.

More tomorrow about today (aren't you lucky?)

Here we go....

2009-07-10T18:26:00.005-07:00

Well, in just a few minutes I take off for my niece and her soon to be new husband's rehearsal dinner. How many people are invited to a rehearsal dinner? Well, in this case it is 150. 150? This is BIGGER than most weddings.

I guess I'm nervous. I hate crowds and big social events especially since I'm not comfortable in my own skin these days. I am going to put a smile on my face, wipe off my smart-ass cynicism and have a good time. If for no other reason than for my daughter's sake.

I'm very happy for my niece and her soon to be husband. They look like they belong together:

Madeleine is already with everyone. She spent the day with my sister, husband, nephews and a few other relatives. I was so happy for her that I was able to make that happen for her today since I had to go to work. Here she is with her cousin Ben (and other cousin Haley) from last night:

What a pair they make. You can see them here to see how much they have both changed over the last 3 years. They are 8 months a part but they both start kindergarten in the fall - I mean summer (back east they start in September...here they start in the beginning of August).

Anyway, I'm procrastinating...so I'm off. More pictures to come of the event of the decade!!

Circa 1978.....if only

2009-07-10T04:27:00.002-07:00

MichaelMichele1978
Originally uploaded by mallegrac

This is me with my high school boyfriend getting ready to go to the High School prom on Long Beach, NY. As you can see I was SKINNY. Perhaps 110 pounds and about as tall as I am now. Farah Fawcett hair do.

I showed this to a friend a couple of weeks a go and she said "THAT'S YOU!!" and I said "YES THAT'S ME!!". She said it like it couldn't possibly be me. Mind you this is almost 30 years a go.

While I know I can't possibly get to this size, I'd like to get close and this is going to take a VERY long time. How did I get so big? What happened to that athletic girl who couldn't go a day without running or biking or swimming or SOMETHING.

I think the first key is acceptance...acceptance of how I am now...scars, weight, and declining muscle mass.

I think the second key is finding the motivation. While I have a lot of ideas of what I need to do there is either too much stress or too much good food around or perhaps I'm just incorrigible?

What does it matter really? I want to be healthy, but the goal shouldn't be skinny, it should be health. I want to be healthy so I can be around for Madeleine. I want to be healthy because this is what I want in a partner so this is what I need to be myself.

But, I have it in my mind somewhere that "if you are BIG, you are unlovable and don't deserve to have anyone in your life" and I'm living as if this statement is true - because I believe this about other people too...I don't want a partner who is big..I want a partner who is healthy. But you see this statement is false and therein lies my dilemma and if this is the premise with which I live from I certainly am not going to me anyone.

I hear this from thin people all the time "you have to accept yourself the way you are". Nice to hear from someone who knows nothing of my problem. Or "just do it" as if they know how to do it when in fact they only ever had to lose 10 or 20 pounds.

The "Biggest Loser" is coming to town...it might even be this or next weekend. Since I don't have a job for the next while perhaps I should give it a shot?

I need to know...how do you deal with your weight (or food) issues? how do you motivate yourself? what is the key?

I do know that diets don't work. It is a change of life style. Food choices have to be planned and prepared every day. Exercise - cardio, strength, stretching. I have the cardio down - I falter in the area of strength and stretching. Its been proven to me though over and over again that as you get older while exercise is important - the only way to lose the weight is to change the food choices.

I think the other element to all of this is finding the emotional component that doesn't want the change. There is a part of me, I think, that doesn't want people to come too close and I think this exists for a lot of people who are overweight. Some kind of safety mechanism has been triggered - usually from some sort of abuse - that causes us to use this method to protect ourselves. I don't want this protection anymore!!

I can go one day eating well. Tonight I have a rehearsal dinner to go to and tomorrow my beautiful niece (also Michele) is getting married. Perhaps I can make a commitment to myself to eat well all day and not too much and then allow a little extra at dinner both today and tomorrow. We'll see. I haven't committed to starting the process of losing weight quite yes...just willing to explore this issue here and hear feedback from others dealing with the same issue. So comment away ...I'm open to what you have to say ......

Mama Kat's Wednesday Writers Workshop

2009-07-08T21:34:00.004-07:00

1.) Tell us about a "dirt cheap" vacation you've taken this summer.

Well, I've only gone on one vacation in the last 4 years and that was a trip to San Diego on Memorial Day weekend. We stayed with friends, did not go to Sea World or the San Diego Zoo, ate dinner at my friends house BUT enjoyed a day at the beach, a day at the Tide Pools and La Jolla and spent time with an old friend all treasures and a welcomed retreat from the Arizona desert.

2.) When I grow up I want to be like: Jamie Lee Curtis

She doesn't try to be anything other than who she is. I like that. I like when I can be like that too.

3.) Describe a difficult moment that you survived.

I was just laid off from my job. My boss came to my office and quickly said "we've decided to eliminate your position and we're letting you go. You can work til the end of the month and we will give you a severance that will help you until you bridge the gap in your job search - I'm sorry" Gulp. Well, I did survive and despite my worries, concerns, fears I believe the universe has a plan that is better than what I have now...and things are so much better than they were even a year a go. "I will survive....as long as I know how to love...I know I will survive...I will survive"..you know how the song goes.

4.) List 5 things you like to do while camping...or 5 places you'd like to go.
I haven't gone camping since I was about 25. I have no clue what I like to do when I'm camping. As far as 5 places I'd like to go here they are:

Australia: I've wanted to go to Australia since I read the book "On the Beach" in the 10th Grade. At around the same time my Dad - an engineer for a major aerospace company was given the possibility of moving to Australia for a consulting gig for a year or two....the two melded together to peak my curiosity. I would like to go from Sydney to Melbourne to the Outback all the way to Perth and discover all the ins and outs of this amazing and mysterious continent.

Other interactions that have peaked my interest in Australia: Rabbit-Proof Fence - the movie about the Fence that runs along the border of the State of Western Australia. It was built in the early 1900's to keep rabbits and other animals away from the pasture lands of Western Australia.

A also read a book in the early1990's called "Mutant Message Down Un der". I understand that it became quite controversial in Australia and while when I read it it was released as a piece of non-fiction writing it has been re-released as fiction. Either way, the book further intrigued my desire to go to Australia. The book is about a woman who lived among the Aboriginal tribes of the Outback and the experiences she had with them while in their presence.

Along with these little dots along the way, there is beauty and history of the place that also intrigues me.

New Zealand - I had a friend from New Zealand and a boss from New Zealand. My friend rode a horse (or so he says) around the entire perimeter of the south island! My boss was from Wellington. It is also one the few really pristine places in the world.

Italy - I went to Italy in the late '90s. I took a train from the South of France and I have to say the change in personality of the people over that border was astonishing. Loving, warm, light-hearted. Now I'm not one of those people who found the French to be uninviting, however the Italians just seem to have their arms streatched out to greet you the minute you are within its borders. Take that along with its history and beauty and I'm a gonner. I want to go back because I was only priveledged to see the northern half...Venice, Milan, Lake Como. I'd like go back and see the southern half and then take the ferry across to Greece.

Brazil - My daughter is 1/2 Brazilian. I'd like to take her there so she can experience that side of her heritage.

Alaska - Need I say more?

5.) What are you paranoid about?

There is a fable called "Chicken Licken, The Sky is Falling" which I heard when I was four. One day shortly after I heard this fable ... I was walking from a friends house to my house - a few short doorways away - moms at both doors - the clouds were moving in the sky at a rapid pace. I became hysterical and paniced that th sky was falling and screamed all the way home until I got in the door of my home. OK, this is the beginning of a VERY long tale of paranoia that I will not bore you with but here goes a short list....I seem to have recovered slightly....but my mind is filled with scenarios of disaster and I am the central character with God out to get back me:

Getting stuck under the river in a subway (see poem)
Getting stuck in an elevator
Being in a bumpy plane 35,000 feet above the earth
People driving too close behind me (this is actually realistic I must say)

OK, perhaps it is all claustraphopia..perhaps living in Arizona has cured me a bit....living in New York I was confronted with my paranoia on a daily basis...here...I don't have to deal with it much.
Phew.................................................

Madeleine, Immunizations and Kindergarten

2009-07-08T06:24:00.005-07:00

Madeleine gets the last of her immunizations today. I never feel 100% great about immunizations and do feel there is some connection between some children with autism and immunizations. I've been catching Madeleine up since January since she missed a few in the time we were moving around and then I forgot about them until we were approaching her start in school.

I decided to do one a month instead of doing them all at one time. We have two left and we're going to do both of those today. Thank goodness this is over for now. I remember the first ones she got when she was just a baby and the doctor basically stabs your child in the thigh. I'm a new mom, my baby is perfectly content and then boom ...they stick it to the baby and she's wailing at the top of her lungs. Not fun. It's over in a couple of seconds, but those seconds are excruciating for baby and mom.

After this is done it is time for school registration. After all my glee of getting her into the charter school it turns out that because I lost my job and I may have to go in the opposite direction from home than I would have had I still had my job that it doesn't make sense for her to go to the charter school way over there --- meaning near work. The liklihood that I'll get a job over there again is slim. She will instead go to the public school here near home. The school is basically around the corner and I can actually walk her there. I feel a little relieved in a way. My life will be a lot easier. My plan is to just make sure to get involved with the school and PTA and make sure that Madeleine is getting the education she deserves. She's a smart girl and needs mental stimulation so I want to make sure she gets that.

Now it is time to wake up my little cherub and head out to the doctor. Until next time.

p.s. we went to look at the apartment where Mackenzy and her Mom live. Something in me keeps saying we should stay put for now.

At a Loss

2009-07-07T09:32:00.002-07:00

Almost exactly four years a go I was laid off from my job. I've been laid off from my job again. This time the circumstances are different and my life is different and even the feelings are different, but I've been laid off from my job.

The good news is is there is a severance. I have some time to figure out what I am going to do.

On the other hand, I'm at a loss. I live in a beautiful place. But, it is more than I can really handle financially. Madeleine is about to start school. We live far from civilization - far enough that if I find a job it will more than likely be further away than I'd like. I am not at all interested in moving at the moment. I'd like to be moved, but I don't want to go through the process. I'm putting pressure on myself that we need to make a decision this month. I want Madeleine to be settled in school for the year. I don't want to move her one month, two months, three months in.

Option: I can sometimes become a broken record. I skip and can't get the skip out until I act on the thing I'm skipping. Right now that skip is move in an apartment complex in Mesa where Mackenzy (our old roommate's daughter) and Jen live (Mackenzy's Mom). This way Madeleine will have some sense of familiarity, we'll have support and we will be closer to civilization where I have a better shot of finding a new job. The elementary school is pretty close and has a good reputation.

Option issues: Can you say apartment? Small space? We've lived in houses since we moved to Arizona. Of course, I lived in apartments for 20 some odd years. We'll survive. Oh Gosh...I just don't know.....a

Option: Get a roommate at the house. Not sure.

Option: Move some place else? Move to a different place, a different city, a different state, country?

I REALLY AM AT A LOSS AND FEEL GREAT FRUSTRATION AT THE MOMENT.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!